Thursday, November 05, 2009

What A Difference A Day Makes

It snowed overnight. Yesterday was chilly but there was strong enough sunshine to make it jacket weather. No gloves. No hat. And this morning big fluffy flakes are falling. And I still have bulbs to get into the earth and perennials to plant. I have waited too long again. BUT we do have the majority of the leaves in bags.

I have a (now) huge, hot, itchy spider bite on my left shoulder which is making me crazy right now. It started small. Each morning it's got a wider spread. Each morning I ask G to look at it and each morning he says "it's just the size of a dime, (quarter) and this morning he will say...I have no idea what he will say, but it feels like it's the size of my hand. I hate spider bites.

I also hate myself this morning. I hate that my eating is so out of control. I hate that I have no self control. I hate that 365 days of self control was thrown away just to satisfy a craving for donuts, cookies, potato chips, cake and ice cream. I hate most of all that the only comfortable clothes I have right now are baggy pajamas. Getting dressed to go out yesterday was unpleasant. Trying to find something that wasn't tight and constricting. I refuse to buy any larger clothes. And I am relieved that I gave all the large clothes to Goodwill. My choices right now are to continue to eat incorrectly and wear one pair of pajamas and my baggy red robe and never go out of the house (my winter coats don't fit) or to start eating a sensible diet and eventually be able to wear my clothing again. How did it come to this???? Why did it come to this????

I know myself. So the choices of what I eat will be limited. Salads with lots of carrots. Soups. Oatmeal. No sugar raspberry Jello. I would like to add bananas or apples. Vegetable stir fry. I started listing things with "NO" in front and decided to stop doing that. Better to type things I can have and not long lists of what I can't have. I need to go buy lettuce for salads and some escarole for soup. And some low fat milk for my oatmeal.

I will be making some "Art Everyday" today. Collage in paper or fabric. Stitching more circles on to squares. Keeping busy. Putting things away. Sorting. Starting the past due baby quilt. Doing something. When I started my 365 day diet, I also spent lots of time sorting through magazines, cleaning out cupboards etc. Not watching television more than 2 total hours each day. Reading uses more calories than watching television. And I have to include blogging in that 2 hours of "screen" time. Oh, West Wing!!

I will move forward one day at a time. Today I will finish mourning the waste of all that was, in the past, and move forward, one tiny step. The alternative is unacceptable.

My bowl today is filled with frustration, low self esteem and acceptance. In that order.

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