Saturday, December 31, 2011

Looking Ahead to 2012

I have a few ideas on how I will spend the coming 366 days.  Yes, an extra day!  Figuring out how to eliminate the glare in photo booth would be nice.  But you do get to see my jade ring.  Many compliments on this old ring of mine.  When I lose weight I can wear it.  Purchased in the 1970's.  I haven't worn it very much.  I would like to wear it for the rest of my life.

I now have so many really interesting ideas for the 12 by 20 challenge that I think I will try them all. I also will be adding three new blogs to the sidebar.  I am trying to expand my view of the internet art world.

It was very cold last night.  Today is warmer.  One day freezing, next day, not. One day sunny, next day, not.  Forsythia, iris and lilacs are all budded and ready for Spring.  In December. In Maine. The Witch Hazel has bloomed twice since October. The grass, when the day is warm, is bright green.

I have most of the laundry finished and now have all G's shirts to iron.  Start the New Year with clean clothes and a closet full of freshly ironed shirts.  Clean sheets on the bed, also.

My pen and paper journal will come to a close by the end of January--time to think of a new theme for the next book.  This year has been spent on recording what I eat everyday.  I did try to draw something each day, at the beginning of the journal.  Very nice pictures of pears.  Why did I stop?  Oh, yes, I went back to work.  It is difficult for me to have two "work" experiences at the same time.  Why is that?

During my furlough from the greenhouse, I find the time to draw in the journal, make art and do my Pilates exercise.  Once I return to work, there is no time for these things.  My days are full of work, housework and dog walks.  And I am always tired.  Falling asleep as soon as I sit still for 20 minutes.  The greenhouse work, from March to July, is labor intensive and very physical.  From June to September my own garden is very labor intensive.  And then it's October and we start rolling our way thru the three holidays.  And here we are--December 31.

I think, in 2012, I'd like things to be a bit less of a struggle.  The only thing I can actually control, and eliminate, is the time I spend sitting here typing words for you to read.  And I don't want to do that.  Time Management.  That's where I can begin making changes.

I was reading today, that one blogger has a "daily art" thing she does.  For her, it will be to hand embroider a 4 inch square each day.  I could say I would hand appliqué one of my circles on a square each day.  I have them piled up waiting for some work to actually be done.  I think the end result, a French looking quilt, would be nice to have.

So.  Time Management and One Circle on a Square each day.  And I think I would like to create a drawing or a doodle each week.  Work on it a bit each day without the pressure of having to finish quickly.

I wonder how Time Management works?

Friday, December 30, 2011

Returning the After Christmas Shopping

Yes, I returned the swimsuit and got the same suit, again, in the next smaller size.  The "roomy-ness" of the bust portion of the suit wasn't what I wanted, especially if I intend to go into the pool.  And the cherry red cashmere looked "threadbare" when I finally tried it on.  And here we have the morale deflating part of shopping.  The 16 was too big and the XL was too small.

I wore my new down LLBean jacket on my errands today.  Yes, it was light as a feather.  But it wasn't warm.  It is so loose that air feels free to climb under the hem and chill my back.  It was very expensive. So, even though all the opinions at the library (staff and a patron who worked for Macy's for 40 years) was that it was the right size, I don't like it.  I'm going to ask G to return it tomorrow when he drives past Bean's on the way to work.  Who needs a drafty down jacket?

I did come home with a pair of brown tights.  To wear with the tan corduroy skirt and my brown Dansko clogs.  Lets hope the size chart on the package is truthful. My impression, while watching the sales people mark down packages of tights, was that the cheaper, less size worthy brands were the ones being marked down.  I could be wrong.

Thank you all for suggesting I return to school.  I don't qualify for any "aid" packages so the tuition would be mine to pay.  But, since, I don't have any driving desire for any more higher education, I will not.

I did investigate a few things on the internet this morning in regard to the 12 by 12 challenge due on February 12.  Metamorphosis.  I had, what I thought was a great idea, but now I am going elsewhere to see if this new idea can work out.  I also need to begin work on "Winter" the new challenge I began.  The four seasons in a 12 by 12 format.  Calling it 12 by Four.   Winter will be created during the winter months and shown, right here, just before Spring arrives.  The four individual pieces can be shown as one if the artists involved are interested in showing their work.  So far there are four of us working on this challenge but feel free to join in if you want.  On reveal day, I will link my blog to everyone who is participating.

What am I reading?  Asa Larsson's second book.  What am I watching?  That 70's Show.  A trip back in time to the fashions when I was a young mother.  All the harvest gold and avocado green appliances and patterned wallpapers.  High waisted bell bottoms with chunky big heeled shoes.  The Vista Cruiser.  A boat of a station wagon just like the one my dad tried to give me.  I kept it for about a month and then gave it back.  It was like driving the house around town.  I can manage to find something to laugh at during most episodes but I really enjoy the parents most of all.  Red and Kitty.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

After Christmas Shopping

Since my car needed an oil change (in Portland), G and decided to spend the day there.  We started by dropping the car off at Honda and using their Courtesy Car Service to get a ride over to the new Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  The boyfriend had given us a gift certificate.  The food was good, the serving sizes much smaller than at the Cracker Barrels we always stopped at on road trips to Georgia or Florida. The service was nonexistent.  We had to practically stand up and shout to get a coffee refill.  My breakfast was from the Low Carb section.  Three eggs (over easy) with bacon and sausage.  I brought my own MIM biscuit to eat with the sugar free grape jelly and butter provided. Coffee with cream and Splenda.

I used the remainder of the gift certificate to buy really cute Christmas ornaments.  This way I'll always remember the boyfriend's gift when I decorate the tree.

Honda.  Well, I got oil changed and new winter windshield wipers.  And, I finally bought floor mats.  For some very odd reason, my dad custom ordered a Fit with leather seats and no floor mats.  Unless he removed them and we just didn't find them when we emptied his garage.  Who knows.  The mats should arrive this week or by Tuesday.  $135.  G put some old Jeep mats in the Fit and they move around making me nervous that they will get caught under the gas pedal.  I also had the headlamp switch recall taken care of.  Now I don't have to wonder if the headlights will shut off when I drive in the dark (something I decided not to do anymore).

I also purchased a Coach credit card holder which cost almost as much as the car mats.  Coach gift wrapped the card holder.  Nice box and ribbon.  My first Christmas Gift to myself.

Second gift was a set of four Wustof Classic steak knives.  Twice as much as the card holder.  No gift wrapping offered at William Sonoma.

Third gift was a very nice black sweater jacket at J Jill (new to our mall) which was on sale.  It's very cute. Has an interesting asymmetrical  collar.  Little useless pockets.  They asked if I wanted tissue paper or a bag.  I said I wanted both.

Nothing at Gap or Eddie Bauer or Pottery Barn.  By then I was bored with shopping so I backtracked, looking for G.  He was in the Apple store finalizing his purchase of an iPad2.  He had also gotten some helpful information regarding his new iPhone which he purchased two days before Christmas.  Those two purchases don't even come close to what I spent on the iMac I am using right now, but I wonder when he will find time to use these two items.  When will he be awake long enough?

Fourth purchase was at TJ Maxx.  I purchased a bathing suit.  I think it's awful but it was my size and had a skirt.  At my age and with my saggy skin, I need to cover as much as possible when wearing a bathing suit.  A skirt was necessary.  The shape and style of the suit is perfect.  The fabric they used is horrifying.  Black, fuchsia and this livid green that doesn't exist in nature.  It also came in black, neon yellow and the same terrible green. I decided the fuchsia and the black were receding colors.  Somehow, in the store that made sense to me.  I also got a cherry red double cashmere turtleneck marked down.

Then we drove to Trader Joe's and I bought 8 bottles of that Sicilian red wine I like: Nero d'Avalo.  $4.99 each.  Can't beat TJ's wine prices.  I also bought five ruby red grapefruit and three sugar free dark chocolate bars.

At Whole Foods I got really big beets (to roast), two bunches of red radishes (to eat with salt instead of chips), good cheese (Robusto aged gouda), some zucchini (which was delicious last time I bought it) and a handful of California rhubarb to make a dessert sauce.  I haven't had a dessert all holiday season.  Rhubarb is considered a vegetable so I can eat it.  Also very low carb with all the fiber.  Avocados were 5 for $5.

Late lunch was at On The Border.  I had a skinny margarita (100 calories) and the steak fajitas with sour cream, cheese and avocado.  I brought the handmade flour tortillas home.  They look so delicious.  But I didn't eat any.  I also had a "moment" when I was holding a big bag of Big Sky Granola Chunks at Whole Foods.  I LOVE that stuff.  Once I open the package I can't stop eating it until it's gone.  This was the first time I actually considered going off the diet and eating forbidden food.  It was a close call.  I put the bag down.

Here we are at home now.  I have had a large glass of water (the restaurant food is salty) and a large cup of coffee.  G has walked the dog.  I got my first unemployment claim form in the mail.  I also got a letter almost begging me to apply to go to school for some kind of training.  I would do it, if I had any idea what I wanted to be when I grow up.  But I kinda think it's too late?

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Another Repeated Photo

Today, after a night of rough winds and lots of rain, we have Spring.  The grass is green, there is no snow and the weather is so mild, I could open windows to air out the house.  It is December.  Nearly January.

I am so glad I didn't waste any time yesterday (or the days before) shoveling snow off the driveway.

Tomorrow, Doggie Day Care for Riley and a trip to Portland for G&I.  My car needs to have it's oil changed and there was a recall on the headlight switch.  So, I want those things taken care of before it actually becomes winter here in Maine.  I think we will have breakfast at Cracker Barrel while they work on the car. And we might visit Trader Joes and Whole Foods.  Perhaps the Mall.  Today, I am meeting a friend for a long lunch.  We have weeks and weeks of news to catch up on.

I had planned to wear one of my 1980's Laura Ashley dresses to lunch, but discovered that I don't have even one pair of pantyhose in the sock drawer (other than the new black tights which would not work).  Hard to believe.  LOL.  Hard to believe I actually thought there would be a pair in that drawer.  I haven't owned a skirt or dress (that fit) in years, so why would I have pantyhose????  Instead I will wear a pair of charcoal gray wool trousers (1986), a black belt and a white blouse (1983).  Perhaps some pearls.  So Dolly Madison.  Did you know that in the 1800's pearls were considered to be an American jewel?  Dolly wore them to the first Inaugural Ball.  Years before the British burned down the White House.  Can you tell I've been watching PBS?

This is my second "unemployed" day.  The first, yesterday, was a great success.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a string of, perhaps, three such days?  I think so.  I don't want to be greedy and ask for all the remaining days of 2011 to be carefree and wonderful.  But it would be welcome.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Winning The Goodwill Jackpot

I just had to post again--I am so darn happy!!!

I delivered the two giant bags of winter jackets and coats to Goodwill and then went inside to see if I could find a skirt or a pair of jeans.

For $56 I scored:
One dressy black skirt
One tan corduroy skirt
One pair of LLBean Perfect Pant cropped pants (for warm weather dog walking)
One pair of Lee Jeans (tall) in grey denim
One pair LLBean jeans (tall) in black denim
One pair of LLBean dark green corduroy pants (tall) (winter dog walking)
One pair of recently dry cleaned 100% wool LLBean slacks (lined) in my favorite color-- dark green
And best of all, right before I walked off to the checkout
One navy wool LLBean Blazer (three button) that fits PERFECTLY!!!!

PLUS!  All the coats I dropped off were on hangers and on the racks with good prices ($14.99 and 19.99) so they opened the bags and quickly priced and got the coats out into the store for sale.  Than made me very happy.

So, with my BLAZER and the rest of my goodies in my arms I arrived at the cash register with a huge smile and I think I was giggling.  The big smile has been firmly in place ever since.

I just wanted to share this miracle of thrift shopping with you.  This has never happened to me before!!! Remember I was trying to fit into that other "test" blazer (14) during the diet.  And it just wasn't working for me (the sleeves were too long, the shoulder pads too wide, the hip too narrow).  This blazer fits in the sleeve, no big shoulder pads, the hem cuts above my widest parts.  This is something I can wear almost everyday.

Two days after Christmas is the time to visit Goodwill!!!

Good Things

One:   I stayed in the house and finished reading my Tudor mystery yesterday.  I sipped coffee and munched on almonds.  I let the dog in and out.  I did not do one bit of laundry.  I made a wheat free biscuit and covered it in butter and 2 teaspoons of my homemade grape jelly and called it lunch.

Two: This morning I slept late.  Woke up and stepped on the scale.  It was good.  Then I tried on clothes to see if I could create an outfit or two or three for any events in the next few weeks (I did).  I still need a long, drapey tunic type "thing" to layer and wear under a sweater.  It needs to be a print. And I need a thin belt to wear over it. 100% of my closet is solids.  No prints.

Three:  My breakfasts (yesterday and today) have been delicious.  Still eggs, sausage, and cheese but these two mornings I have had diced onions and shredded cheese.  Yesterday I added a whole avocado and this morning green peppers.

Four: My supper last night was so horrible that the only good part was shoveling the store bought meatballs into the disposal unit and watching them get chewed up.  The taste and texture made me actually gag.  I saved the marinara sauce they were in and will be making my own, homemade meatballs this afternoon.

Five:  The sun is shining (timidly) but the weather is warm (40's) so the dog walking today will be delightful.  It would have been yesterday, also, but I just didn't want to.  There are days (most) when I am happy to provide for the dog and there are days (not many) when I resent his needs.  On those days, Riley has to "make do" with the fenced half acre he has out back.  For some dogs, that would be enough.  The boyfriend has suggested Riley needs a "dog brother or sister" to play with.  I feel like G and I are people who do best with only one of anything.  One dog, one house (we are being encouraged to buy a vacation home by our friends), one wife or husband, one credit card and one car each.  I can't explain the four vehicles in the garage, only to say that two are never used.

Six: I applied for unemployment yesterday.  Now I wait.  Twenty three days until we leave on our vacation to Florida.  I need to search my storage box for Florida (summer) clothing for the week.  That fits.  I am not buying a bathing suit.  I have one.  It may fit now (it didn't when I bought it at the thrift store) but showing all that wrinkly 65 year old skin is so not a "good thing".

Seven:  I am taking the two huge bags of clothes to Goodwill  now and looking to see what I might try on in the size 14 section.  Perhaps a skirt or tunic.  Or a skort.  LOL.  A stop to return books to the library and then home to walk the dog.  Oh, and a stop to get meat for the meatballs.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Boxing Day

I remember the ONE time we were invited to a Boxing Day brunch while living in Germany.  It was really quite a delight to be having "Christmas" the day after.  The food was wonderful and the glasses of Sekt were even better.  And best of all, no presents necessary.  I think this is the day the "help" gets their presents and any leftovers from the Christmas Day bash.

My Christmas was filled with Hello Kitty.  More pajama pants (which must be worn low under the navel and not pulled up Urkle like to the waist), notepads and the cutest HK pen which I love, love, love.  And a wrist purse.  White HK head and a big red bow.  A big fat red squishy bow.  Too sweet.  It even snowed.

The dog loved his bone, the snow and the treats.  The daughter loved her down pillow, scarf and Santa Cash.  The son called from California wondering how and where he was to wear the Ralph Lauren sweater I sent him (like a sweatshirt).  The boyfriend arrived in time to have Christmas Burritos with us (he had to work) and there were no leftovers.  The daughter and boyfriend  packed up their pumpkin pie to eat today, I think.  I had forgotten to use the Splenda brown sugar blend I bought for the pie, so I couldn't have any.  I had a portion of the whipped cream for my Christmas dessert.  Then I cleaned everything up and sat down to read.  My eyes were so dry.  We tried drops and finally I gave up and went to bed.

I started the day with a shower, fresh clothes, Smartwool socks.  The dog has finally eaten his breakfast and is back outside.  I don't know what to eat for my breakfast.  I did make coffee.  My book is due on the 28th so I know I will try to read if my eyes don't get all grainy.  I've taken an allergy tab.  All the laundry is washed, dried and folded ( I did it yesterday), the floors are vacuumed (G did it yesterday), the bills are all paid (I wrote the checks yesterday).  The holiday was spent doing household chores, walking the dog and cooking.

One of my favorite day after Christmas days was while we lived in Germany.  We had company (my brother and his family) for Christmas day and they helped us undecorated the tree before they left for their home.  We were leaving the next morning for 10 days of ski vacation in Switzerland.  I got very sick. A bad chest cold. I either napped in a deep hot bath, walked for hours in the crisp winter sunshine or sat by the fire drinking the homemade cherry brandy the innkeeper made himself.  The husband and kids were off skiing each day. The catered evening meals were shared with other McD's families on the ski trip with us.  I actually had nothing to do for 10 days.  Wonderful.

But, I can pretend to be in a Swiss ski chalet, with my breakfast, a snowy view out the window, crisp air and sunshine and, for the moment, nothing to do.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve- 2011

My camera is working again, with new batteries.  We think the charging cradle is broken.  I don't have the knowledge or equipment (to hand) to attach the camera directly to the computer (but I will) so, since this is what I wanted to take a picture of anyway, I decided to use last winter's picture.   This year's clementines are a bit darker orange and shinier (and in a different, darker blue square bowl).  Full of seeds.  But spicy tasting.

I have my daughter's cheese pierogi to make today.  The house to clean (after making a floury mess with the pierogi).  A few packages to wrap. Bills to pay.  I've already been to the library to get G a book to read over the weekend (priority).  And I visited the grocery for the items we need for the Christmas Burritos.  Every cart (and there seemed to be hundreds of carts) had a large prime rib roast in it.  With more in the meat cases waiting for pick up.  I've never cooked one and don't intend to begin at 65.  With only three eating (one of whom would never eat prime rib).

Yesterday was my final day at work for 2011. Hurrah!!  I transferred the "reins of power" to a lovely teenager.  She will now arrange, re-arrange, water and repot plants in the greenhouse on what will certainly be her last day at work in 2011.  She is delighted.  She loves it in the greenhouse.  Especially, on a day like today, with the sun shining.  Yes, it's freezing cold, but the sun is shining.  Doing it's best to melt the ice covering my driveway.

I am coughing and otherwise congested from my shoveling of that driveway after work yesterday.  So many wood fires burning in wood stoves and fireplaces.  And I am now seriously allergic to the wood smoke.  I may have to wear a face mask when outdoors from now on.

I heard on the news this morning, that people who ordered stuff on the internet on Black Friday and Cyber Monday (for delivery by Christmas) are now getting emails (or have gotten them this week) telling them that the stuff they ordered will NOT be arriving for Christmas.  Oh, Really????  A Giant Glitch.  Or Grinch. I wonder how this will effect the way people shop next year?

I do want to wish every one of you, Dear Readers, a Happy Christmas Holiday filled with everything you love.  Be warm, happy and well fed.  Laugh as much as possible.  Wear warm socks.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Christmas Miracle

I weighed myself this morning and am within 1.5 pounds of the goal weight I wanted when I started Atkins.  The "trick" to doing this?  Who knows.   The body is a strange and wondrous thing.

I am getting ready to eat my breakfast, make a bow for a gift G is purchasing today, packing my lunch for work.  I got all the laundry done yesterday.  I still have pierogi to make for my daughter's Christmas gift. I did manage to make another batch of pulled pork yesterday afternoon (late) and G and I will be having that with fried sauerkraut and gnocchi for supper tonight.  Deconstructed pork and dumplings.  No, I don't get any dumplings.

G set up the Christmas Express train around the Christmas tree  (very cute) and Riley has now decided to stay in the kitchen.  Period.  So, sadly, G is packing the train back up and taking it back to the store.  He also has to get a prescription as the one he had, lapsed.  And visit Petco for dog food and treats.  He and Riley will be having a busy day.

Yesterday's grim cold, wet icy rain, is a thing of the past today as we welcome the sunshine back into Maine.  My great room is flooded with warm sunshine.  I just wish the dining room table was clear of clutter so it would look wonderful, as well.  Instead, it is covered with shopping bags, boxes of beads, wrapping paper and the still unfinished plastic toy wreath.  I did find more small action figures so I think I have enough of them to get back to work.

My camera has officially died.  It will open but can't seem to muster the energy to actually take a picture.  It's sad.  We've been together for nearly 6 years and for as long as I have been blogging.  1300 posts worth of pictures.  A close and very personal relationship.

I have investigated new cameras.  I even selected two that I thought I would enjoy owning.  Another Fuji, the F500EXR and the expensive $1200 Fuji that is impossible to find available for purchase. I want rechargeable batteries again.  I do not want to be buying and replacing batteries all the time.  I have to do that with my wireless mouse and keyboard.  It annoys me to always have to stock up on batteries and have the huge package right next to the computer.  Something is always needing a battery.

Time to eat and make that bow.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Ice Covered Streets

It's dark gray outside today.  And it's raining.  And the ground is cold.  So the rain turned into ice covered roads this morning as I drove behind G towards the Toyota dealership where his truck was having work done, yet again.  It was only supposed to be an oil change.

Then G drove my car (with me in it) to Freeport where I wanted to buy two things.  A really cute down jacket (didn't have it in the color I wanted) and the gift my daughter had requested for Christmas.  I got the cute jacket in black.  And I bought another down coat in the men's department for walking the dog.  With a hood.  I'll look like a Pillsbury Doughboy in it but I'll be warm.  All the women's coats come in those awful dirty colors that Bean's seems to like.  Dirty, faded red.  Kelly green.  Purple.  And bright aqua.  The color of clothing donated to Goodwill.

I did find a black cotton skirt at the Gap but then talked myself out of it.  One skirt is enough.  I also tried on Gap jeans.  Size 14.  I just can't deal with the "waist" being 2 inches below my navel.  It's like you don't actually have the pants all the way ON.

We had breakfast at the Freeport Cafe.  I had the omelet with sausage, cheese, onion and peppers.  No home fries and no toast.  Waiter asked if I was gluten free as he had a bread they could toast for me.  It had 12 g of carbs per very thin slice. Too many. That intrigued him so he went and looked at the carb count on the other breads and found one that was only 7 grams per slice.  I then confessed that gluten didn't make me sick.  I said wheat made me fat.  He thought that was hilarious.

We are back home.  G has taken the dog for his walk.  I have chores to complete as this is my last day off until Saturday, which is Christmas Eve.  Not much Christmas Cheer.  It didn't even seem like Christmas at LL Bean.  It just seemed like a lot of people milling around and not finding what they wanted.

Customers at work say that the best part of Christmas Shopping is having lunch out.  Maybe that's why I am feeling gloomy.  No lunch, out.  It'll be dark in 90 minutes.  The entire day was wasted.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I deleted the picture and the post I have been working on for awhile now.  It all sounded like something better written in the paper/pen journal and not here.  That's the problem with this blogging thing.  We over share and make the readers a bit uncomfortable.  I was oversharing.

I decided, when I prepared the chili last week, to add one can of rinsed kidney beans to the chili.  I think I divided it into 6 (2 cup) servings for suppers and work lunches.  The first time I made it I didn't add the beans.  I also prepared a pot of Escarole and Tomato soup and didn't add the can of cannellini beans to the soup.  I tried eating it without any additions.  Added strips of precooked chicken.  Then, last night, rinsed a can of beans and added half a cup.

I'm breaking the Atkins Rules.  But I'm not sure beans and lentils are the diet breakers that cereal, bread and pasta would be.  I could be very wrong.  And soup, the way I make it, is very low calorie.  Fat free. So I have been adding sour cream or cheese to the chili.  Anyway, that's what I am doing.  It's cold and I need to eat food that warms me.

My visit to the dressing room of a women's clothing store has made me VERY sad and discouraged.  Seeing the body I thought was changing to a smaller size, in the mirrors, set me straight.  I don't look any different.  My saddlebags are still big and lumpy.  My knees are fat.  I still have my two Buddha bellies. Yes, I am wearing the smaller sizes of the clothes in my storage bin.  But they are still large sized clothes by ordinary standards.  Fourteen is considered Plus Size.  And I am solidly a Pear Shaped Woman.

The Potluck breads are at the potluck.  The shirts have been ironed.  Today's major jobs are packaging my son's Christmas box and putting lights on Fatso.  Oh, and walking the dog and going to the grocery store.

I watched Survivor last night.  Moments after Ozzy was voted off, I changed the channel.  At that point I didn't give a crap who won--the three "survivors" were all unworthy.  I was finished with it.  I wished there had been a way for the jury to just not vote for any of them.  Just refuse.  It's what I would have done. I discovered, this morning, that Coach did not win.  That's a good thing.

That's really the only good thing I have for you this morning.  I am not feeling the Christmas Spirit.  If I didn't already have the tree here in the house, I think I would skip it this year, along with the handmade cards etc.  We have received three cards.  I send one out (store bought) when I get a card. I don't feel depressed or sad.  I just don't feel interested.  I wish all my customers a happy holiday and smile.

I realized this morning, that it's been a long, long time since I actually laughed out loud.  I miss laughing. I think I have mentioned that before.  Realizing that, made me cry.  What a way to start the day, huh?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Saturday Morning Snowfall

Yes, Dear Readers, it snowed here in Maine.  After being 50 degrees or warmer the day before (the greenhouse roof vents opened it was so warm inside).  Yesterday was the day I should have been wearing my new red and white stripe thermal shirt from Old Navy with my green work tee over the top.  But, no.  I was bundled up.  Dressed too cool on Thursday and too warm on Friday.

G took me out to dinner last night, Beale Street Memphis BBQ, and he had Mr T's sweet BBQ spareribs and I had my usual brisket and coleslaw plate.  I also had a margarita.  Really.  Friday had been a truly trying day emotionally for me.  G shared one of his pile of ribs with me.  Delicious.  I was seriously sorry I hadn't ordered them myself.  I did wear my red and white stripe thermal under a cherry red quarter zip sweatshirt.  I thought I looked very seasonal.

My list of household chores today is very long.  Christmas Tree lights and decorations.  G's work shirts to be ironed.  Dog Walk.  Cheesy Monkey Bread Baking (even though I got the actual date of G's potluck wrong--it's Monday)  I'm baking them today.  Two for my work tomorrow and two for his on Monday.

I made an effort to dress well today.  Meaning, I am not sitting here in pajamas.  Green cord pants, green chenille sweater and one of the three V-neck Gap tees G had in the Goodwill pile.  Nice and thick and warm under my cotton sweater.  It was probably snugger than he likes.  Or is used to.  We are trying to limit the XL things in his closet and get him to wear L.  Hoping closer fitting clothes will limit his eating of cookies, chips and pasta.

My closet is looking fresh and interesting these days.  New striped items, older items that were too small, but now fit and a new pencil skirt and black tights from Coldwater Creek.  I even have new shoes to wear with the tights.  I have all the "new" stuff right where I can see it when opening the closet doors.  And if I create a good outfit, I stage it all together on a hanger so I can wear it again, without having to think about what goes with what.  Actually, a woman only really needs three daily outfits, one skirt outfit and one special occasion outfit.  If things are well selected, everything can mix and match.  I, personally, have more outfits for work than anything else.

On that topic, I can now wear the camo cargo pants I purchased in the early summer of 2008.  Buttoned, zipped and I have the requisite one finger space of room at the waist.  This was what I wore to work that first summer (after the diet), before I started eating Bacon Pizza for dinner and ham and cheese Yumbos for lunch everyday (because I thought the weight was gone forever).  What a fool I was!!!!

 I have a hint for all of you out there with pants that are a squidge too tight.  Stop drying them in the dryer.  I now hang all my pants to dry on skirt hangers or over a towel bar.  Everything fits much better.  And it doesn't matter if you always dried them in the dryer before.  Give it a try.  My daughter never puts her clothes in the dryer and everything fits like it did the day she purchased it.  And the clothes don't lose color.

That's about all I have to say this afternoon.  Riley is ringing the bell on the back door so we'll be bundling up for our one hour walk.  Then I'll start on my house work.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Friday : After Work

I'm tired, the light is gone (bad for photos), my Secret Santa recipient loved her sparkly purple pen and notepaper collection, and today, my Secret Santa gift giver gave me a Hello Kitty Pajama set.  I love it.  Can't wait to wear it.

Christmas (other than the mind numbing carols on the speaker system) is 75% over at work.  We took down the "Christmas Room" where we decorated wreaths and made Holiday Boxes.  It's really just two of the regular greenhouse tables with two extra cement blacks to raise it tall enough for table top work.  All the ribbons, pine cones and miter balls have been counted and packed away.  All the trees and bows that were in front of the entrance doors are also gone--- now the interest point is display centers filled with seed packages.

A coworker has "cellulitis"a scary skin infection.  She has no health insurance.  She went to the walk in clinic yesterday because the red and black bullseye infection just kept getting bigger and the pain (like being burned by a flame) was becoming too much for her.  She has a Walmart $4 prescription for the strongest antibiotic.  Thank goodness for Walmart's $4 prescriptions.  The infection site is now bleeding.  The doctor told her the next 72 hours are going to be a nightmare of pain, fever and diarrhea.  They are hoping it isn't MERSA (or however you spell that).

She thinks the infection was caused or made worse by the Hatha Yoga classes she began.  The yoga you do in a 120 degree room.  She hasn't felt good since her first class.  I think she had the infection already and the twice a week high heat just made it spread like wild fire.  She wishes she had gone to the doctor LAST week.  Now it's a very serious infection and she may need surgery to remove the infected tissue (if the medicine doesn't do it's job), especially if it has gone deep into the muscle.  I am very, very upset by this.  A sweet 25 year old, trying to pay her bills and get by.  I offered her any help she may need.

The Yin and Yang of life is always there isn't it.  Such sweet happiness in getting the perfect gift and the pain of watching someone suffer (in terror).

I am also going to have to work all of next week.  Crap.  But that means I will get holiday pay for Christmas Day.  Yin and Yang.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Tree Gets Lights Today

Fatso the Tree is drinking plenty of water, smells great and looks very festive.  Today I will put the lights on the tree.  Always a dangerous task, involving the step ladders.  From my first ever climb onto a step ladder or anything similar, I have had a problem when going down and getting off the ladders.  I tend to just step back.  And then hit the ground.  I forget that I am UP.  I will be "home alone" and therefore in an even more dangerous position.  Last year, I suggested to myself, a moment of thought before moving up or down.  It worked.

G was given permission to purchase a "Christmas Train" at his local grocery store.  He shops daily for his restaurant (lemons, limes, red onions and whole milk for the coffee drinkers) and sees things he wants.  The train looks awfully large (Polar Express style with moving elves) and will be directly next to Riley's bed.  I foresee trouble.  I'm thinking that letting him see "what happens" will be better than just saying no.  And then he can pack it up and return it to the grocery store.

I was incredibly busy at work yesterday.  I went home with an almost full thermos of coffee.  Never had a chance to drink any.  Needless to say, getting home at 4pm, I skipped walking the dog.  Riley felt that he had been short changed.  And then when G arrived home and spent time talking to me (not Riley) well, Riley moved to his bed and started crying.  So G, had to go and comfort the dog.  I went to take my shower.

I had my haircut yesterday.  I had made the appointment when I was still working 12 to 6 on Tuesdays.  So, I had to clock out and then back.  The hair stylist is just down the street from work, so I walked.  She did a nice job.  It's a bit different but still the same.  My next appointment is a few days before our trip to Florida. I'm going to take that as a "good" omen.

I still have no idea what to buy for my Secret Santa.  G is getting a gift card for his (and some candy).  So far, everyone is happy with the things they are getting.  There are two gifts waiting on top of the lunchroom fridge right now.  Another two have been opened and enjoyed. Nothing for me yet.  G also has a "pot luck" at work to go along with the Secret Santa gifts.  G will be making Spaghetti Bread (bread meant to be eaten with spaghetti).  Everyone likes it and it's easy to take to work.  I will be making 2 extra loaves to take to work with me for my co-workers.  It's like a very cheesy Monkey Bread.  We think we will add Pepperoni to spice it up this year. The table at G's work is usually covered with candy and baked (sweet) things.  Everyone snacks.  This is similar to what happens at my work.  Right now we have candy bars but soon there will be peanut butter fudge, cookies and Babka from New York.

I tried my Blazer With Belt idea and it wasn't successful.  I think it's the padded shoulders which give the whole thing a "Dynasty" look.  Joan Collins and her mile wide shoulders.  Oh, well.  I still want to buy a skirt and tights and wear that this winter.  I wanted to buy those two things in 2007 but for some reason I never did.  I don't have the best legs (ankles and knees aren't bone thin) but I think a shorter skirt is something I should attempt, at least once, in this part of my lifetime.  Rejoice in the ability to wear a knee length skirt.  A simple pleasure.  I hope I can find one.

I am getting dressed now, leaving the house to look for pink or purple "glittery" things for my Secret Santa, the skirt and that's about it.  Then, the dog walk and the tree lights.  I have the white wash done and will be putting the dark wash in while I get ready to go.  Shirts to be ironed later.  The verdict on the "shrinking" of the linen shirts will be made after they are ironed.  The sleeves seem shorter which is a good sign on some, but the 3X white linen with black embroidered dots (my favorite) is still 3X.

G is enjoying the homemade chicken soup each night after work.  Lots of noodles.

Monday, December 12, 2011

When I Weighed 238 Pounds

I have this picture pinned to the bulletin board next to my computer.  It reminds me each and every day of how lost I was for so long.  Yes, I am smiling.  But I remember how heavy I felt that day.  How hot it was. How everyone else was slim.  Years and years later, I finally decide to lose weight.

Last winter I realized that the weight was coming back.  I had regained 40 of the 80 pounds I had originally lost in 2007.  I've now lost 25 of those pounds on Atkins.  Fifteen to go.

I know that statistics prove than within five years of successfully losing weight, the weight will be re-gained (plus more).  Our bodies have a "set point" of weight and fat cells.  Our DNA is programed for survival.  Diets read like "famine" to our DNA.  The body is always trying to regain what has been lost. It is a hard fought BATTLE.

Somedays it is enough just to have held the line.

Pieces Of Christmas

I collected the "fresh cuts" from the Christmas Tree Yard yesterday.  I collected some on Friday for a coworker.  She and her kids were going to make Charlie Brown Trees.  Drill a hole in the wood chunk, find a white pine branch (preferably droopy) and insert branch into hole.  Add a red ornament.  The guy in the tree yard (the one who helped sort out my tire pressure) made a really good CBTree and several customers wanted to buy it.  We figured he could have made $50 selling CBTrees at $5 each.  But he didn't.

I brought home these planter pots with holes all around.  Good for repotting my cymbidium orchids which are pushing the sides out of the pots they are in.  They would appreciate me removing dead stuff and freshening up their wood chips.  And feeding them some high Phosphate fertilizer.

The sun is finally shining.  Riley has been in and out three times now.  Very busy.

G and I had a chat about my concerns.  He says the tiredness is more from stress and nerves.  His day at work is difficult.  On the one hand he is supposed to provide excellent product and service.  On the other he is supposed to be cutting labor.  As I have said before, it's a tiny restaurant.  Not much room for "wiggle" when it comes to labor.  And he is working with teens and 20 somethings.  They have a different view of "employment" than management has.  But he has agreed to seek a medical opinion.  G does enjoy visiting the doctor.  I do not.

I have been wondering what to wear to Florida in January for our vacation.  I don't think it's really warm there in January.  Warmer than Maine.  Our friend's parents will also be in Florida when we visit.  That makes me happy (happier).  It will be the six of us.  Like old times.  Like good times.  I have decided not to buy a bathing suit.

It doesn't seem like Christmas here at home.  My tree is up, still crooked, no lights.  G added new lights to one of the outdoor wreaths (48 inches) but can't find the remote connector so we will have to go out on the porch to plug it in and unplug it at bedtime.  Which we won't want to do.  I suggested a "new" way of doing things.  G is to hand me anything he wants to actually "find" again.  I will put it away and then be able to lay hands on it when he wants it again.  He can never remember where he put something.Which wastes incredible amounts of his time while he unsuccessfully searches. The garbage bags are a big problem.  He carries them with him, uses one and then walks away but can't remember where he left the rest of the bags.  The remote connector box/plug and the little remote (also missing) is going to be a difficult item to find in the garage. All things Christmas (extra lights, remotes etc) are SUPPOSED to be in the coffee table drawer.  Period. Sad to say. The remote is no where to be seen.

G was very angry about me suggesting this "new" solution.  He sees this as criticism rather than me trying to be helpful.  If someone offered to take care of all your stuff--shouldn't you be happy?

I need to shop a bit in order to put supper on the table tonight.  Or look in the freezer for stuff.  I might have chicken thighs in there and then could make chicken soup.  G wants different noodles so I will have to go out anyway.  I need salad.  I need some form of protein for lunches this week.  And I think I will make chili again.  I'm at the point of not being overly thrilled with anything I have been eating.  I need something "new" and "fresh" to wake up my tastebuds.  My breakfast has gotten very dull as well.

Watched "While You Were Sleeping" last night.  What a delightful Christmas time movie.  With a warm and happy family.  I then attempted to watch Inspector Lewis but kept falling asleep so I just gave up and went to bed.  With 560 deleted programs still stored, I can go back and watch stuff from October and even September.  TiVo used to delete stuff permanently at the end of the month.  My son said that storage capacity has come "a long way in a short time".  Well, yeah!

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I tried a MIM recipe that had been on the back page of my Diet Recipe notebook for a long, long time.  It had an ingredient that I wasn't familiar with (wheat gluten) and I couldn't imagine how all the "one teaspoons" of things could add up to BISCUIT.  This morning I decided to experiment.  Yes.  It tastes like a biscuit.  I split the cake in half, toasted it and topped it with butter.  JOY.  I would have swooned with the addition of some blackberry jam, but didn't.

So many of these wheat free baked (microwave) goods read like chemistry experiments and taste like them. It was comforting to find a recipe that worked (for a change).  I can see this being a delightful addition to some sausage and egg on a day when I splurge with more carbs than usual.

I also was digging in the book case and found my original recipe book (which I carry on trips) and there was the Induction Chili recipe I had been looking for for weeks.  I actually thought I was going crazy.  Thinking I had this recipe written down (in the other book) and not finding it.  Gaslighting myself.

I also found a new blog which I will add to the sidebar after finishing this post.  The current post is a tutorial on making "perfect" reverse appliqué circles.  Tiny ones.  There is nothing I love more than perfection in appliqué.  This is a way to add dots to things already made and finished.  Back, cut, turn and admire. Repeat as needed.

I decided NOT to make handmade cards this Christmas.  I wasn't feeling the "spirit" just now.  What had always been a joy was now feeling like a responsibility.  I think I will bake cookies instead.

I have heard of a website called "auto-correct on iPhone" where they have the top 10 hilarious text messages where auto correct has inserted the word it "thinks" you are spelling into the text.  In the paragraph before this one, auto correct typed in "I think I will bake collies".  Trust me, they aren't this tame.

I also decided not to make a list of the things G doesn't do anymore.  Like vacuum the cars, check the tire pressure, wash the cars, sweep out the garage before winter, cut back the irises, vacuum the house floors.  That was just what I could think of this minute.  Instead, he lays down on the couch and reads until he falls asleep.  He does walk the dog, but off leash.  More fun for the dog and G can walk slow.  When I walk Riley on the leash, we walk faster.  I worry that all this "slowing" down will eventually become permanent.  And he will do nothing but nap on the couch.  I feel like I already carry too much of the household burden. I hardly have time for my arts and crafts anymore. Hell, I said I wasn't making a list and then I did.

I would like to get more art done when I get furloughed in a few weeks (or days).  After I cook, clean, wash and iron. I get so tired of doing all these things, over and over and over.  And taxes are just on the horizon and my car needs a check up and oil change.  And new wipers.  Going to work is actually a relief.

Time to feed the dog his lunch, get dressed, move the darks to the dryer and add the white load to the washer, fold the second white slipcover and put it away, make the bed,vacuum the floors, clean the glue gun and Gingerbread stuff off the dining room table, sort the catalogs and see if I can order anything for delivery by Christmas, put lights on Fatso the Tree (even though she is still crooked in the stand) and make something for supper tonight --after walking the dog.

Friday, December 09, 2011

My New Scarf & AAA

It's a bit more gold and slightly green in person but it looks as wonderful as I had hoped this color would look with silver white hair and a soft grey sweater.  I have it on right now.  It feels luxurious.  Not like the scratchy red acrylic scarf I wore to work.  It was red.  And I wanted something bright around my old neck this morning.  So I wore it.  And collected compliments.  Who ever knows what people will be excited by?

G had a horrible day at work.  I had a horrible (potentially dangerous) experience with AAA.  We are going to dinner to "get over it all".

 AAA.  My tire warning light came on and I used my card, which I have had for 23 years, to call AAA for service.  I stated, clearly, that one or more of my tires was low on air pressure which set the warning light off.  In 20 minutes a tow truck shows up with air but, get this, no tire gauge.  He proceeds to fill the front tires.  I mention it's front wheel drive and the tires are usually lower than the back tires.  No, it's all good.  He says the back tires "look full" and anyway, "I'm all out of air".  Bye.

I wasn't satisfied everything was okay and the warning light was still on when I turned the car on.  So, I asked one of the guys in the Christmas tree yard to check the tires before I drove home.  All the tires are supposed to have 32 pounds.  Each of the rear tires (the ones the AAA guy said "didn't need air") were down 5 to 8 pounds.  The front tires now had 42 and 48 pounds in them.  If I hadn't checked with the co-worker, if I had hit a pothole or something in the road, my front tires may have busted off the rims.  At worst, I could have been badly hurt in an accident.  AAA is going to hear from me and I never want Atlantic Towing to come to any service call I make in the future.

After dinner, I will shower and put on my Target Santa jammies.  Which are perfect in every way.  At some point in the weekend I hope G will straighten out the Christmas Tree.  It's tipping a bit.

Riley had a great day at school.  Tomorrow we will have an extra long walk.


Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Let's Be Jolly!

St Nicholas Day was yesterday.  I remember filling shoes with candy and small gifts the night before, for my teenagers, when we lived in Germany.  I received one card and sent one of these off, in reply.  I always write a short note on the card.  I never just sign my name.  What's the point of that?  I always intended to make a small quilt out of this Mary Englebreit image.  I adore her work.

It's raining.  And it seems cold.  I finished V is for Vengance last night and get to start reading the second to last Tudor mystery with Brother Shardlake.  Remember when I stated I would finish out the year in Tudor England?  Well, it is working out quite well. And I thank the Reader who recommended this series of mysteries to me, yet again.  My local library has none--so I suggested they buy the series.  I still plan to read the Zen mysteries (modern Rome) starting in the new year.  Even though I now have a new and excellent Swedish mystery series by Aso Larrson.  Also recommended by a Reader.  Such a choice.  Sweden or Italy for the winter months.

I get a little "newsletter" from Martha Stewart (usually recipes) but I looked at their sidebar and found some really cute slippers.  Of course the article was on adding embroidery to purchased slippers.  And even though all the commenters (from 2008 to now) asked "where do I get these slippers?"  MS NEVER replied.  Those slippers are very, very cozy looking.  I would buy multiple pairs.  I love good slippers.

Here they are, snatched from the MS website.  I really should avail myself of this "snatching" of images more often.  Then you could "see what I see" and know how I spend my days.  I tried finding a "how to website for these but my skill with the internet isn't very sophisticated.  Any of you better at this?  First published in 2008, I would imagine, if they could be found, they would have been already.  This is my absolute favorite style of slipper.  Dearfoam used to make something like this and I would buy 6 pair at a time.  They were never this cushy.  My last, very last, pair, in red, were purchased many years ago at a Big Lots outside of Atlanta.

I have considered tearing my last threadbare pair of slippers into pattern pieces.  What do you suppose the material is for these pictured slippers.

I also tried to visit the daily blog site for the Boro Jacket being made by Melly Testa but it seems to be a paid class.  How do you manage to get into these things?  Deborah (sidebar) is cutting up her husband's knit shirt and making a scarf.  Remaking seems to be the style for this Christmas.

I'm off to get dressed so I can go to the library and Target.  Later this afternoon, my Fatso Tree will be coming into the house and I need to have one more 150 light string of lights.  I made Broccoli Salad for my lunches this week (broccoli, onion, bacon, cheese and mayo)  I added slivered almonds but I think I've seen sunflower seeds added.  This is my first time making this salad.  Any tips and additions from any Readers? I "just" noticed the "salad" was Atkins Friendly (meaning full of FAT).  I'll try not to eat it all the first day. Because, I think, if I remember correctly, the salad is "mit Music"  as the Germans say (if it makes you toot).

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Tied Up & Tired Out

So many things going on this week, already.  Work has been crazy just because there are so few employees and so much territory to cover between gift shop, garden center, Floral, greenhouse, Christmas Room and tree yard.  And that isn't even taking into consideration the cash registers.  Or answering the phone.  Or taking phone orders.  Five of us this morning.  Crazy.

I called the central nursery and asked for the person my boss said would "set me up" with a good Christmas Tree.  He actually did.  G stopped by my work tonight and picked up "Fatso",  a tree that is almost as wide as she is tall (8-9 feet).  My coworkers thought I was crazy as Fatso would fill their living rooms.  Not mine.  The fatter the better.  I'll just move one of the big chairs and settle Fatso right there in front of the fireplace.  I had a choice between two great trees.  A fat one and a skinny one (by comparison).  Since my life is sort of ruled right now by Atkins and the need to eat FAT I decided to get the fat tree.  It has a certain "meaning" for me.  And makes me smile.

My daughter tells me I MUST go to Target tomorrow and SEE the HelloKitty appliances.  Especially the HelloKitty Toaster.  S says the Toaster is a big  Hello Kitty head.  Too cute.  S didn't buy it for me because I don't eat bread (toast).  I do want to go see it and take a picture.  They also have a HelloKitty pink hairdryer.  (I don't dry my hair)

I have to go to Target to buy more tree lights, if they still have any.  We have started moving stuff around already, getting ready for Christmas to be over.  Taking ornaments off trees etc.  If I remember correctly, Christmas merchandise will be in short supply momentarily.  Crazy, isn't it?

G and I went to Whole Foods and Trader Joes last night.  I purchased my favorite things at each.  Olive oil and marinara sauce at TJ's and fresh vegetables at Whole Foods along with sausage and cheeses.  Then I  stopped at our local grocery ( I hadn't gone during the day) for yogurt, eggs and Jimmy Dean sausage crumbles.  My breakfast was sausage, WF cheese, WF spinach and eggs.  Lunch was salad and goulash topped with sour cream.  I don't know what I will have for supper.  G is having two TJ rice noodle soups.  He's tired and has already taken his shower and put on his jammies.  It's 6 pm.

Riley is also tired and is cuddled up with his big squishy Moo Cow toy.  Time for me to take my shower.

Monday, December 05, 2011

Proceeding With Caution

My day has started with sunshine, good coffee, a happy dog.  Even the blogs I read this morning were filled with good things like Peppermint Bark, nut filled Chocolate Blocks, and even some Holiday Cheer. Last night, well, I will forget last night happened.  Let's just say G and I experienced  a "failure to communicate"  which resulted in three giant wreaths hung on the porch with 75% of the lights working on two out of three (I only wanted one that was 100%), no Christmas tree in the tree stand.  G would have had to trim 30 inches off the top or bottom.  He neglected to "think" about calling work.  Where I was.  He could have driven over with the tree and we could have exchanged it for a better height.  Now, I have another whole week without Christmas.

I was angry.  Ate my dinner alone while he continued to nap on the couch. (yes, I came home, yet again, to find him sleeping)  Then read my book.  I actually think coming home from work to find him asleep on the couch is the reason I get so angry with him.  What a "Welcome Home" that is?  And he just goes back to sleep after we talk about how he spent the day.

Never mind.

Today I have been thinking about what to make or buy for my Secret Santa at work.  I have the gal who loves Christmas, pink, glittery things but not Santa.  I have the recipe and list of ingredients for the Peppermint Bark.  I need to make cookies to send to my son.  I am cooking my breakfast omelet as I type this; egg, cheese and sausage.  I found the recipe K gave me for Broccoli Salad.  It has everything I can eat on Atkins so why not?  Broccoli, mayo, bacon, cheese and almonds.

We were busier than usual this weekend, at work.  Which is good and bad.  We are running out of trees.  And a new shipment doesn't arrive until Wednesday.  We are also running out of bows for the wreaths. And yesterday I had to stop making Holiday Boxes because we didn't have any more balsam bundles of greens.  Running tight is one thing.  Running out on December 4th is not a good thing.  Wreaths and trees are what we are selling this year.  And poinsettias.  I stayed busy.

I also have to decide on the annual handmade Christmas Card.  I am not all that excited by the "making" of the cards this year. (I am nearly ready to just "skip" Christmas this year)  I haven't had any great ideas for a "tree" variation.  I've painted, stitched, drawn, collaged (twice), pieced (twice or more) in years past.  I wanted to do something "else" but nothing is coming to mind.  I could send a sprig of Balsam and be done with it.  Perhaps, I could print a sprig of balsam?   One thing for certain, I won't be shopping for anything to make the cards.  If it isn't here in the house--I won't be using it.

Nearly done eating my breakfast.  Going to go iron shirts for G to wear to work, finish the laundry, make my grocery list, make the bed, straighten the living room (full of dog toys), start the dishwasher.

Saturday, December 03, 2011


Editorial Note:  Added many hours later.  I was trolling the blogs for a new diet--The Fat Smash which allows oatmeal, rice and even shredded wheat.  I was all set to go off course and then decided to try on an old vintage dress from the mid 80's when I thought I "looked great".  It fit.  Gobsmacked ME!  It even fit better than in the 80's which is saying something since I am much "fuller" at the bustline than I was then. I was a afraid of zipping up (to some point far from the top) and being stuck in the dress the remainder of the afternoon.   Not so.

I did try on another German dress and it is 5 inches shy of buttoning at the waist.  I think it might have fit for 15 minutes in 1986.

I am wearing a delightful fleece jacket (XL) which now fits perfectly as a swingy little jacket, as it was meant to be worn.  I lost the fleece flower to pin the top closed but have decided to add a button and button hole.   Now, I am warm and ready to walk the dog.  See you!!!!


My apple is made of wood but the image is real enough.  I sliced a loaf of sourdough bread for G last week and was lost in the smell, feel and observation of that crusty bread.  I wrapped it quickly and sent it into hiding in the freezer.  I wanted to eat it.  This was the first time, in the diet, that the urge to eat something was so strong.  Nearly overpowering.  Fresh bread and boxed cereals.  I managed to give away all the boxes of cereal.  I have to admit to feeling lost by the depth of desire I felt for that loaf.  Shaken.  Tempted.

I was reading LCC (it's in my sidebar), this morning and he admits that low carb diets don't work over a long period of time, and may not work more than once (the first time).  Why are most of the forum comments made by people, restarting Induction, time after time?  Because they fell victim to Temptation.

I want to return to my regular life.  Eventually.  But now, suddenly, like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown in my face, I can see that I will never be able to "return" to what I think of, still, as a normal life of eating.  I am not actually "on a diet".  I have actually changed the way I eat.  Forever.  One day at a time.

It is exhausting to try and get your body to give up it's "fat position".  Once fat, you have those newly accumulated fat cells forever.  And your body wants to fill those fat cells full of fat.  The solution? Never get fat in the first place.  Ha.  Too late.

Once upon a time, in the 70's, I weighed 188.  I stopped eating for 5 or 6 weeks (I drank only coffee all day) and lost 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds in less than 6 weeks.  My teeth felt loose and my hair fell out but I was finally THIN.  Size 8.  I managed to stay somewhere between 135 (my high school and college weight) and 160 for the next ten or fifteen years without dieting. Then I ballooned to 238.  I was depressed about living in Maine.  I stayed that heavy for a very long time.  But as I neared 60, I wanted to stop being fat.  I dieted.  1200 calories a day and a one hour walk.  Everyday for 365 days.  I reached 158.  And everyone was telling me how awful I looked and how mean I was.  So I started eating like I had when I was 238.  How incredibly stupid.  Over three years, my weigh fluctuated between 178 and 198.

Now, with Atkins, I have managed to go from 198 to 173 in seven months.  It doesn't seem like much.  No amazing 60 or 80 pound weight loss.  But no one is saying I look awful or act mean.  I am 13 pounds away from my goal of 160.  I actually want 158.  No good reason, other than at an emotional level, it seems like a good place for me.  I don't think I can ever get to 138, the weight where I felt best.  My body won't let itself go there.

The 1200 calories a day won't work it's magic any more.   I can't fast.  And, now, I learn that Atkins won't work for the long haul.  I feel lost and so very tired of the whole thing (which is how I managed to get to 238) and so I have decide to write about it all and just get everything out there.  Be honest and open.  Let the Universe see what I am troubled by and hope that some answer comes to me.  From somewhere.

Time for breakfast (eggs) and I have laundry and shirts to iron and a very large bag of large clothes to take to Goodwill.  And a dog to walk.  And a life to live.  And fat cells to struggle with for years to come.