Field Notes- Overcast...no rain yesterday. Snow Today? 36 degrees. Slight ray of sunshine.

 Wow.  Chili with Toppings.  I am ALWAYS an Admirer of TOPPINGS.

I just never have the topping ingredients here in the fridge.  Red onion, jalapeño, avocado, yellow cheese. Sour cream.  sigh.  Perhaps someone will ring the doorbell and hand me a bowl of chili??? Not. So NOT.

I have one or two more servings of the Cherry Tomato Pasta.  It's very good. After it's done I have Romaine Lettuce with toppings of Pulled Pork, Cheese and Sour Cream. I actually thought it would be WARM this week.  I was WRONG.

I am struggling with the 2020 Silent Wife. By Karen Slaughter.  I can't figure out who the Silent Wife is. Things are not going well with Will and Sara.  And we keep drifting back into Time to when Jeffery wasn't dead.  I recall the mailbox blowing up (a pipe bomb) and Jeffery getting the full blast.  Now we are rewriting history with him getting a bullet to the forehead?  Come on......I don't like this.

I put the book before Silent Wife on the return pile after only 20 or so pages.   Now this.

Hallmark had sort of a good movie yesterday- a series of weddings every weekend.. same two people invited to each of them.  But not good enough to keep me... and MSNBC lost me..and there was ZERO Law and Order.  So...I went up into the Attic.  Found two nice enough sweaters for husband to wear. and found myself an adorable brown Teddy Bear. By Gund.  He can sit up by himself.  He's right over there on the top of the printer lid.  Looking like he wants a hug.

Hope the Teddy likes Fringe.  It's on this weekend....all day.

Field Notes- Friday. March 24th. Overcast, Clouds A chance of What????

 Little weedy things coming up in this file photo.  Also the daffodils are "budding"in my own weedy patch.  I have quite a few purple blue crocuses.  No photo as I can't get close to them- there is a fence to keep deer from eating them..and it also keeps me out.  This photo is from a gardening site. It was in the photo file.  Which is getting thin.

Work continues on the puzzle.  Not me.  Husband.

I need to turn on lights.  I started the very last of the Will Trent Books.  A Prison Riot.  A case that turns back on the early books.  Sara'a first husband, Lena etc.  I don't like Sara with the first husband.  Lena. We seem to be full circle and back to where we started- erasing any progress we might have made.. Perhaps that's what the author wanted???? Why?

It's the last book.  I stopped reading the second to last book after less than 100 pages.  This one might have the same fate.  Why.  When the others were so good.....? did the publisher force her to write more??? I have a suspicion that the way back parts were written and tossed and now shuffled into a last book. I will give the book another hour and then put it on the return pile.  I am not a fan of Jeffery.

My desk top calendar is a riot of pasted newspaper headlines and images.  Even some cartoons.  I like it.

 (A) Murdock is being investigated about the murder of a friend of his when they were young. The surviving son.  Great family.

I did make my pasta yesterday and had a bowl while watching MSNBC.  All the regulars are off on Spring Break.  So I moved on the Law and Order : Criminal Intent.  Yesterday was BORING.....

Field Notes- Thursday March 23rd. Dark, Clouds.....good chance for Rain.

 Western Honey Bee.

Battlebots.  On tv today.  Husband watches while doing word search puzzles.  I watched last week and it was awesome.  I might check in on the Bots again today. Engineers At Play. Sort of Wack A Mole with engines and wheels and controllers. Oh, and the big sharp AX.  Chopping the other Bot. And they let Girl Engineers play.

We also have a new puzzle on the puzzle table.  We've done it before.  It's a hard one. I walk over and do a few pieces...not too many..

Not much to read in the Morning Newspaper.  How can MSNBC and FOX fill WHOLE DAYS with news and the newspaper find little to nothing "new" to report.  I am guessing the key word here is "new."

I am finding MSNBC to be getting repetitive.  I think it used to be called "flogging a dead horse". All the regulars seem to have taken a Spring Break Vacation. I spent most of MSNBC wishing someone, during the breaks, would fix that one guy's hair.  A section was sticking out.  It was ALL I could look at.

I think I am "recovered" from Tuesday.....the key to this, going forward, is letting go of what I cannot ever change or improve.  Just accept.  Just accept.  Just accept.

I am NOT good at that......but I am going to be learning how to be good at it.

I am going to make a nice supper for myself today....I had planned to do that yesterday but ..it didn't happen.  Today it will. It's also going to RAIN today. So...a nice hot supper.......pasta.  Made with a thawed container of tomatoes I grew, harvested, roasted and packed into a freezer container......it will be good. Lots of pectin.  That's it for today......

Field Notes- Sunshine with a Chance of Clouds, Rain and Snow. Everything Bagel.

 Yesterday........it was like a slow motion movie.  

Everything I thought....isn't.  Everything I thought mattered... doesn't.

It all changed as we were driving thru Town on the way to the Pulmonary doctor's office.  A 45 minute harrowing drive (for me) west......and husband says- I don't know how to get there...

As in.....he had no memory of how to get there.  Even thought he got there just fine six months ago.

And just like that.........my new reality hit me....HARD.   Yes, I could have driven.......but I have never driven the Button Car (has no key)....it's too large....I can hardly see over the dash....etc.  And I haven't driven a car (mine is on a Battery charging 24/7) since that day in the Summer.  And best of all-- my license hasn't been renewed..... my intention was to stop driving. Forever.

So, I did know, in basic terms where we were going.  I got us there. He drove. I gave directions. The appointment was mine.  The doctor is retiring.  We aren't going back.  I got my inhaler situation clarified and simplified. Prescriptions ordered......

But the Us that arrived...is not the Us that got up, dressed and had breakfast yesterday.  That Us is gone.

Forever.  That is all the past....this is now..the NOW.

I will continue to have him drive me to the Library and Grocery Store just 10 minutes from the house.  Until...I get my driver's license renewed.  Until I get my car in working order.  I don't think I am capable of driving the Button Car. I can drive SIMPLE......I cannot drive COMPLEX.   All the bells and whistles. I cannot even turn off the radio.

Do I feel OLD? Yes. All 76 years of it.  Do I feel overwhelmed?  Totally. Do I want to just crawl back into bed and sleep for a few months?  Yes.  Deep Depression sounds like a Holiday right now.....

I made pizza when we got home.  He started a new puzzle..... I sat and stared at the wall. Then Law and Order. I was way past even being able to read a book.

Fate is pretty decent....it gave me a woman at the grocery store on Monday. I knew her and her husband when I worked at the greenhouse.  He also lost his memory and was in a place with diapers etc.  He passed awhile ago. She is doing fine, alone....we normally wouldn't have stopped to talk ....but we did on Monday. Before I knew.. for sure.

Fate wanted me to SEE the other side of this........the After.  Which is going to be okay.