Filed Notes- Saturday September 23rd- AGAIN

 Huge Emotional Family Thing.

Husband is home.  Possibly a mistake but it seemed like the right way to go.  The rehab was far away- daughter working  (she took this week off) and I am still not driving- and would NEVER drive that far or that fast.. for 40 minutes one way......Everyday like I did when he had his heart attack in 2004.  I was so much younger then.

His hospital doctor said it was the right way to go....we talked about it on the phone and then he sent over release orders. (to the desk on husband's floor.)

He is coughing quite a bit- wasn't at hospital. (air might be drier here)  Doing word search on the couch. 

Daughter rolled all the carpets and made a pile of them.  Moved furniture to clear spaces for walking. I made up the bed in the guest room as it is easiest to get in and out of no chance of a slip on wood floor- as it has carpet.   And he has the walker to pull up on.

Cross the street neighbor loaned us her walker (from the time she had surgery) and also a toilet frame that G can pull up on and also helps steady him as he sits.  He's on the couch doing Word Search puzzles.

Mistake or right thing to do.......we'll see but not having visitors......that's the deal breaker for me.  Being alone.  I know the staff was very pleasant and cheerful...there was that.....

Field Notes- Saturday, September 23rd. Moving Day for husband. Not home......

 By accident- on the worst choice of day possible- I took husband's clothing home- the stuff he was wearing Monday......and today when they transfer him- he won't have any clothes to put on.

He'll have eyeglasses and hearing aids.

It's almost 9am and no one has called the house.....so..

Sam hasn't come by or called as yet....she has to mark all the clothing with his name and then pack his suitcase. 

I went and got the newspaper, the front lawn was littered with broken tree branches over night or during the week......I tossed them into the "not grass" area.  The Lawn Mowing People did not come. Yesterday was their mowing day.  Hasn't been mowed.

I actually ate food....a dinner- here at home.  Watched some tv and went to bed.  Fell asleep right away and AGAIN woke up at 4am.  Did not go back to sleep.  I tried. But it never happened.

This is what happens every night so far.  The not going back to sleep wears me out.

Telling him he wasn't coming home yesterday- gutted me.  His face.  I wanted to say- forget it- get dressed and we would bring him home.  I knew in my heart that would be a huge mistake....so I kept it to myself. But I have been crying non-stop since.   I think how I would feel.....being sent to "somewhere" to stay for "some time" and maybe after that come home.  Maybe.  The key word here is Maybe.

Well. I need to have breakfast.  Daughter called and was all  "ALL" with me so it wasn't a great call.

She knows where the place is located now....same long drive there.   But I can start asking neighbors for a ride.  They are wanting to be doing something to help.

I just want.......what?  It can't be over.  It is just beginning............so, I guess I wish it never happened.  We never called 911.  We took him to his regular doctor and got antibiotics for the urinary track infection and  who knows how that would have gone.

I am so tired.  So sad.  So tired of crying.  

Don't Know What Notes- Friday, September 22nd. The end of one thing and preview of another.

 No pictures-  It's been a really HARD Day.  

We had to tell him he wasn't going home... thinking about how he looked at us- breaks my heart. We had ordered him dinner- I doubt he ate any of it.....

As we packed his suitcase for tomorrow's move to the place he's going- I can't remember what it's called. I remembered- Clover.  Auburn, Me. 

They will assess whether he goes forward- home or Assisted Living.  Five to Six weeks.  It got a Five Case Manager YES rating from Sam's former coworkers.  She also started a Case File on him- for her own peace of mind.

So.....I can barely see the screen- crying so much....we stopped at Target and bought him new shorter sweatpants.  The ones he has are too long and are an accident waiting to happen.

I have some items that needed to be washed (before packing) in the machine.

I should eat something.

Sam will pack the suitcase in the morning.  After she writes his name on all the clothing.

I need to eat......watch some tv- I haven't read a book since  Monday.  That's how bad this is.

Field Notes- Updated and Still Friday September 22nd.

 A night photo from my Master Gardener Friend Patty.  An RN.  We talked for a long time last night.

That picture above the stove is a painting of a little house that I made for her..... she calls it the Happy Home Painting.

Daughter contacted her friends still in Social Work.  We are waiting.  Hospital is calling our one choice form the list and a new choice.....not on the list.  Fingers crossed...all of you.....that they have a bed open. And that hospital will keep him until they do have a bed open.  So many old people in the state of Maine....we are most likely whistling in the wind.

I started this second post because I wanted to send all of you this picture of the Happy House.....the way I used to be long long ago before I knew any of you.   I want to get back to being that person......I want that.

Now I need to find someone to attach a fold down shower bench to the master bath wall.   So, eventually husband can come home.

Field Notes- Friday September 22nd.

 No photo.  Yesterday he was in a brand new room- a single and the Palliative Care person was sitting next to him explaining everything.  But after I had a long  midnight phone call with my friend who is a nurse and went thru with this with her parents.  Both at the same time  She has straightened the information out.

Let's just say my Life going forward is just completely SCREWED.

I took a very long and hot shower this morning.  I am wearing red linen pants and a red multi colored plain shirt.   Can't miss me today.  No idea if we are going anywhere today. (I am NOT going anywhere right now)

I am eating breakfast.  I will get a Starbucks coffee in the.....nope NOT GOING TO HOSPITAL TODAY.

He is being FAST TRACKED and moved to a Skilled reHab...like in 5 minutes and we have to choose one. What a SHIT way to do things.....One was a definite NO the second was a ride into Portland and back everyday- NO-  so we have two in Lewiston-  One near a hospital where one of daughter's old co workers works -in adjacent hospital. Daughter contacted her and is talking to her now....  Our insurance covers Skilled Rehab.

He has to go to one of these before he can come home.  And I have to have the walker and the shower chair attached to the wall before that happens- I am guessing they send someone to "make sure".

My RN friend finds all this weird.

I call it "cover your ass so you don't get sued".

So they (hospital) is very eager to get G out of the hospital and into that "skilled rehab".   Daughter has a call in to some of her Social Worker peeps.......one has just called her back.  Now...we discover if our first choice has an opening.  All this having to be done as FAST AS POSSIBLE........ I HATE a RUSH JOB. Especially as it's a LIFE here we are talking about.

My community area has NO SKILLED REHAB.  So...... could my Life get more stressful?

This is a real time post......daughter's social worker friends have given insight and we have THREE HARD NO WAY IN HELL places and ONE OKAY and ONE REALLY GOOD  but not on the list place.

Hell on Earth.  Hospital is making calls....see if they have an open bed.   If not daughter will call back to see if he can stay until a bed opens........The tension in my back and neck...so so bad.

Field Notes- Thursday September 21st. 7 pm.

 Think Report.  

So...we walked in to reception this morning and asked about his room number.   Daughter thought it would be better to know the worst on the ground floor so we could walk out fast.

When we left yesterday he had a fever and sounds in his lungs no one was happy about.... and had more people in his room than I though could fit.  An all hands on deck blaze.

I waited at home for the call that he hadn't made it.

Walked in this morning to a new room (reportedly the best on the floor)--a single with wide screen tv and a full deluxe bathroom.  He looked better than he has in years.  Not allowed solid food or liquids.  Applesauce. Ice Cream. Yogurt. Period.  Nothing that could get sucked into lungs by accident. I'm certain he will manage to do it anyway.

We found the Palliative Care rep talking to him (excuse spelling) and explaining the difference between a "Natural Death" and a "DNR".  He has now chosen the Natural Death.  A late birthday present. For me.

So Palliative Care.   Rehab.  Assisted Living.  Period.  Just like that.

A friend is looking for a walker and a shower chair with arm things to hold on to....I am at a loss for words.

Daughter took me out for a "Pub" dinner.  Deep Fried Pickles, A Cheeseburger and Fries. I admitted I haven't eaten anything but half a bowl of oatmeal each day....today I even had a Starbucks coffee. Not even my Birthday Dessert.......

We'll be driving back to the hospital again...tomorrow. And the next tomorrow etc. etc. We left him doing a word search after reading a woodworking magazine.  Bright and cheerful and on point. Drugs????

I have leftovers of the Pub Dinner in the fridge.  Fries and Pickles.  And Cheesecake Bites dipped in dark chocolate.  But not tonight.  Tonight the heating pad..... and early to bed. I am whiplashed and exhausted.

Field Notes- No Pictures September 20th 10am.

 Yesterday daughter called Triage Nurse at husband's primary care doctor.... He had fallen again that morning slamming hard into the closet doors and then slumped on the floor in pool of urine.

Tricky getting him upright...and then into shower and then dressed.

Daughter arrived with belated Birthday Treats.  Thank goodness.

She used to be a Social Worker......not a  Gardener.  

She Social Worked.  

Called 911 and gave them a heads up of what they were going to find.

Took four of them to get husband down the front steps and onto the gurney without him face planting. It's like he has no idea where surfaces are......the ER tested (imaging) for brain malfunction. No results yet. Well, there may be results we don't know about. Yet.

The firemen looked at me in amazement.....how had I managed......yes...let's consider that.

So...he finally got a room well past midnight.  (we were in ER since noon)

We got home around 1am.  One cup of bad coffee from an ER tech.  Daughter had her work lunch with her. I packed for today- drinks and energy bars.

I had a load of wash in the dryer and one in the washer because he had wet the bed- I had to put sheets on the bed......so very late when I fell into bed.

I woke and wondered where husband was........it's like my mind erased the day. I was getting up to go find him and see what had befallen him......  It all came back.

It all just came back.......how had I forgotten?   Well, I have his real eye glasses for today.. Charged up iPhones....hearing aids.  Word Search Puzzles if he wants.  

And a Fresh Notebook and pen.  Not Washing Machine Pages... this notebook will start with the 911 call and record it all......  I might not be doing this much writing in future posts.....or I might.  I have no idea of what my Life will look like going forward.......not a clue.