An ad arrived in my mailbox telling me this cashmere tunic is for sale. I looked. $399. And the one review mentioned that the cashmere wasn't of the best quality (stated as best in advertisement) and over priced in her opinion. But the buyer kept the tunic. This is my sort of clothing item- pockets-- minus the turtleneck. I feel gagged with anything round my neck. Possibly hanged or choked in a past life.
I had a difficult re-entry from sleep to awake. A bad dream. I had gone somewhere with my Boston friend Patty. She had left me in Boston alone. I hadn't brought my phone since it's very heavy. The longer I carry it the heavier it gets. So I had no "numbers" to call for a pick up, find the train etc..
And you know what.....it seems to not be about a trip to Boston at all. It seemed to be about me in the here and now, in this house, with it getting heavier......and having no one to call.
So, my waking up was tears and great sadness. My dad must have felt this way at the end. I arrived but not soon enough. Either time. And he always knew I would leave again no matter how long I stayed.
And I realized I have been letting almost everything go. I do the laundry and make the bed. I watered the containers all Summer. But I don't cook. I vacuumed recently but couldn't remember the time before that.
He has the prepared pasta meal from the grocery and I have toast with melted cheese and pickles. I was having yogurt, bran buds and fruit but I stopped. I was eating a big salad with the chicken, honey and mayo. But I stopped. I just stopped. And now I have all the stuff for a French Apple Cake and I ...stopped. And I might just eat the apples. Forget about making the cake.
And I bought things for Vegetable Bean Soup...... Dee's Pantry Soup (Pandemic Soup) but I haven't made it. That's the way I am right now. Not Doing. Overwhelmed. It's just getting heavier. Tears always on the verge. I am tired. Even reading my books doesn't help anymore.
When I stayed with my Dad..I sewed my appliqué Chicken Quilt. It still needs binding.
Yesterday my husband entered my sewing room and started moving things around........disrupting "making things better". I finally shouted at him that I don't QUILT anymore because EVERYONE I used to QUILT WITH IS DEAD!!!!! So I don't need a BETTER quilting room........... he refused to leave. So I did. I may never go back in there. The Quilted Red and the Buttons aren't in that room. So I have something.
I am not suicidal. I was going to delete- but this place has always been honest. Let's keep it that way.
2 comments:
I am the opposite. I love turtlenecks and I button my shirts up to my throat. I have always been that way. I do love that tunic and anything with pockets always collecting. Right now it is walnuts. I am so sorry you are sad what can I do to help. I am so lucky that my son is here. He moved here over twenty years ago to help me as spouse was no help on this farm. He is a long sad story which makes me angry and frustrated most days. Scratch that every day.
Guy my son and I switch alot making meals. He is so creative I have to have a recipe.
The world is a sorry state these days and I think that wears us out. Does me anyway.
Please know I think about you alot the same with Kim on the Something blog. You two are the first I check on everyday well after I do Wordle.
Tomorrow football and maybe pizza here too,
You're not alone - I've had days like that. Coincidentally, I shed some tears today myself for health reasons and just plain having a pity party because I am totally alone-a singular sensation. What caught me off guard was my kitty kat came running TOWARD me looking at me intently instead of the usual run the other way when there are strange noises. Love that kitty kat.
Hang in there...
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