Field Notes- Checkin in. The 4 to 5am Can't Breathe Thing...Me not him. Terrifying.

 The right side of my neck is tight.  Very very tight- where ALL the tension stays. I need to apply Arnica.

I almost choked to death last night...could not get my breath.  Panic. Lots of Panic. 4 am. till 5 am.

When I finally got my breath- saw husband sitting in bedside chair- scared. I got up and found my rescue inhaler and used it more than the recommended amount of times.  It was like drowning....I could not get oxygen into my lungs.

I am fine now.  Oatmeal and Sweet Tea for breakfast and lots of Inhaler. Perfect Storm.

On my walk to the street for the morning paper, I decided to pull the junky looking annuals out of two pots and shake off the soil on their roots.  I walked to a side weedy patch in the back and threw the plants there.  

I tried the method for restoring the volume to the TiVo:following the directions twice.  Nothing happened......to say I was disappointed is a vast understatement. I set husband dup with the "As SeenOn TV Sound Amplifier" to watch a Jackie Chan movie.  The notes inside the packaging were about how to get your money back for the purchase of this item.  Husband said it worked.  Good enough.

I am hoping daughter stops by today or tomorrow as I have bills I would like to have taken to postoffice. No one on the street has any idea if or when the Post Office delivers mail. And there is a Grifter taking mail from street side mailboxes to get ID and credit card numbers.....well, there is possibly more than one of  Grifter..

Many "accidents" which required several washing machine usages.. and a shower for him- which worked best if I was also in the shower.. I am so thankful that I bought this new wonderful machine.......in March. 

Well, I need more very sweet hot tea, Arnica and the heating pad......and it would be grand if I fell asleep. Rescue inhaler in my pocket.  Good to go.  Husband is now afraid I will die.......sigh. I said I would not.

Field Notes- Friday September 29th. Chilly...Decided to do what is called Death Cleaning.

 So, the ins and outs of a shower chair purchase....this was the one I chose...then daughter brought home another.. So we have the other.  VERY MUCH like this one...no cross bars under the seat and no blue seat.

I keep trying to send messages to daughter on husband's iPhone.  They don't go anywhere.  He has the stupid Cloud thing.  My son the computer genius will have to get rid of it. All of it.  Then the iPhone can be mine or not- it's so damned LARGE.  Heavy.

I need a BELL. So husband can call me to come help him to bathroom instead of trying to get there SOLO. He has been seriously depressed since the doctor's visit....yesterday.  I guess he thought there would be a shot or a pill and he would be just fine....... Baby Monitor????? Instead of bell?

My goal for today is to fill a few garbage bags with stuff....I called it Death Cleaning to the RN who dropped off doughnuts..(she shuttered)..Frosty's-   a Legend in Doughnuts here in Maine.  The Glazed yeast doughnut is Heaven!!! Seriously...and I had just made a fresh cup of coffee.  Patty says they freeze well.....good because one is going to be enough sugar and fat for a WEEK.

I started in the area around the sink in the kitchen....a magnet for junk.  One small bag already filled. Everything else was fine in recycling box.

I have been in a state of....do nothing --for a few years now....maybe since COVID began and I stopped being social. teaching classes etc.  Being out and about.  I am thinking I was and am depressed.

Now I think I need a box of large Town Garbage Bags....Filled with crap I have been ignoring.

There is a tub I need to investigate...no idea what it is filled with- bags?

Sorry content here will be boring as all get out....I don't have a lick of cheerful or happy in me right now...Husband has shut down and just looks away when I ask questions....so he gets lecture on his behavior.  His sulking.  His refusal to speak.  His refusal to eat or drink.  His refusal to get out of bed. 

Hello!!!! Thursday, September 28th. The kindness of friends and neighbors.

 Not this pasta dish but one with shrimp.  And a fresh bottle of mouthwash.  From the Twins Dad. They are back home for a bit and then going back for funeral.  Her mom didn't make it..........

Former Library Co-worker drove us to the doctor's appointment.......and waited- there-- hours later deposited us back home.  We had a more than 2 hours wait..... luckily husband slept most of it.  He wanted water- I gave him one glass and then more when we got home....he's in bed- exhausted. Sleeping.

Social Services will be knocking on the door.......I am resistant.  I will need to get over that. But will likely argue with them.  I am in that sort of frame of mind.

So......

The phone message was beeping.......Florist...Pretty Flowers on the front porch from our Investment Bankers.........for me....

Well, I took a break to do something...can't recall what exactly.  Husband went to bed right after we got home and is sleeping.  and I am back hours later to finish this post...I had washed a favorite sweater that had I don't no what on the front....perhaps dirty water from dish washing that had bacteria that grew on the sweater.  It's now washed and drying.

Until I sat down her to type- the tendon in my neck was not tight or hurting.  Not it is.  Husband has my desk chair and this chair must not be ergonomic.  I am going to read now....looks like it might rain.

Daily Notes- Wednesday September 27th. I woke up tired.

 The Amazing Care Worker That I AM (image).......... who takes care of me?  Patty my Master Gardener Nurse Pal. Comes over each day and we sit and talk and she visits Gary and brings me something to eat. She will also run out to get me orange juice and milk.   

I need to make a phone call to a stranger and ask him to take the window AC units out.....it's getting pretty CHILL here in Maine overnight and G is complaining about being COLD.  I'm not saying anymore. 

I was cold last night and this morning struggled getting the down comforter into the outer covering....and onto the bed. Folded the Summer Bed Quilt.  I had to stop (several times) to take G to bathroom and stop again to do clean up and new undies etc.  He had some orange juice and his morning pills....now sitting up to do Word Search.  We (I ) haven't attempted the shower as yet.... he seems a bit iffy ....shaky.

I forgot what day it was again....found out exactly what day it was when I got the morning paper. I found out what day yesterday was - morning paper.

I sorted thru a pile of TiVo papers and found something that says it can fix the volume problem.  since they have a solution printed up.....I am guessing its a common problem.....I am waiting for a time period where my hands and NERVES are steady to work the buttons in the proper order........It- the TiVo TV is my only source of happiness...since book reading is now interrupted very very often.  By needs and wants.

That's it for today....

Field Notes- Tuesday, September 26th. Hitting a Brick Wall and Admitting Defeat.

 Street Flowers.

So, I admit I cannot do things I need to be doing.  I am a great caretaker.  In the house.  the out of the house stuff is going to put me under.

I need to drive.  But I lost my confidence in driving and my car 's battery is dead and I am not so sure I should be driving.....as nervous and unstable as I am not right --emotionally.  

I accept defeat.  

Husband has a doctor's appointment.  I have asked everyone.  Busy or not home.  I reached out to a former library coworker and she- amazingly said yes.   So I am thankful for the transportation...and the reality check that REALLY No One is for sure going to help me when I need help........they might be busy with their own lives.  This Library friend gave me the number for the Town Taxi.

I also have the number for Roadside Assistance for AAA and I can call and get my car- the one I haven't driven in a YEAR- charged and gassed up and back on the ROAD.  Because I actually HAVE to. Because I have NO OTHER CHOICE.  Husband is up and moving around.......gotta go

Field Notes- Monday September 25th...Neck Muscles already tight.

 Brownies.  Not good for me but...Right now having a Pumpkin Muffin Patty gave me yesterday. She is dropping off some sort of Vegetarian Bean Soup....on her way somewhere.  She is always on her way somewhere.  She is the MAJOR- JUST CALL person.

I am being TOLD to  JUST CALL Triple A to have my car jumped ( no idea where to find the number).  JUST CALL doctors.

JUST CALL for sure my least favorite words this week and it's only Monday.

I have already called His Primary Care Doctor and His Heart Doctor.  We need authorization for Palliative Care going forward.  I need to look it up and see what it is.....not a clue. And an in person visit is required.

I discovered I can't fix his rolling desk chair- I am sitting in mine so I think the FIX will be just rolling mine where he sits and rolling his into the garage with end game being the dump???

Daughter called before heading to work- to pick up the two pills we should have given him the day he got home....but better late than never.....he wants a shave...... told daughter and told me.  Will tell anyone he sees today... "I want a shave".

I had bills to pay this morning.....I had books to renew at Library if I EVER AGAIN have time to read a book.  Really, No time to read a book.....I have no idea where the hours GO.  But they are GONE.

I wish I knew why the tension of these days localizes in the large tendon on the right side of my neck. It really really HURTS.

Across the street neighbor is the JUST DO neighbor....she walks  (or drives from across the street) and delivers  a nice protective bed liner and then orders two more from Amazon- Today she is going out to get  husband a clip board for his word search books at Staples......Just Doing.

So...I need to hydrate.....drink a big glass of water.  I trimmed and re-arranged My Birthday Flowers in fresh water....I never got to eat ANY of my Birthday Cake.   

I have taken the garbage and recycling out to the street so many times now- and it's never the right day. NEVER.......I might get it right this tomorrow??? Or miss it entirely......

I just switched husband's roll office chair with mine.....I am now sitting much closer to my keyboard and noticing how filthy the keys are.......can't unsee that......

Field Notes- Sunday, September 24th. It seems like Years Have Passed.

 From the picture file.  I don't have much in there right now......So.  We made it thru the night.

Husband at some point- between 5 am and 7:30...moved to the back bedroom and is asleep in there- we had both settled in on the two living room couches.  He on his usual napping couch and me on my reading, stitching, law and order watching couch.  Where Riley and I hung out all day.

I will be limiting evening liquids so he doesn't need to get up and pee at night. Not that he is drinking much of anything at all.  So it's a mystery why he needs to pee so often.

Just as  "settling in" things were happening here I got a call from Sondra- from the Way Back Times,,,,we had just begin to chat - when husband decided to get..up..off the couch for the first time and move around....so I had to end the call....sorry Sondra.  It was a while before I got him back onto the couch.

The walker and the very great contraption for the toilet so you can have bars to hold onto while going down or up.  So great- Thank you Peggy (and her sister in law who bought and sent it to Peggy who let me borrow it).

Patty or Patty and I will be trying to get husband's evening medication- prescribed as we were leaving hospital...from the Pharmacy.  We have to actually get here when the Pharmacy is open and hope they sent it to the right one....two in my Town.  The Pharmacy now has strange hours....must have trouble with staffing or something...On my usual Monday visits-- it was open  but by 2pm closed..

I admit to being confused by medications right now...sorting husband's into his pill container and trying to recall if I was taking anything...I think I was but don't see it anywhere.  Oh, now I recall.  I need to find those bottles.

Same sleeping thing...deep deep sleep until 4am.  (today was closer to 5am)  Even on the couch.  Which is comfortable for a nap but not a night's sleep- usually.  I slept really well...I was exhausted.

Our first full day... today.  Sigh.  I feel edgy....I think my daughter's anxiety has rubbed off on me... now I worry I will make mistakes......and she will blame me forever.  I am trying my very best but I can already see aging in my thoughts and actions.....or it could be anxiety messing me up. Or second guessing myself. 

Whatever it is...I hope I can work my way thru it.  And I need my car to be serviced back into working order......I need to drive into Town.  Groceries, drugstore, bank and Library.  Thought I have not read more than a few pages in a book in a WEEK.   That should be my marker that things are "not as they should be".

Headline here- husband is home...not in skilled rehab.  Only time will tell who was right in this altercation.  But...with memory loss- no one can actually win.  I need to find Palliative Care for him- recommendation needed from his Primary....so making an appointment.  Loving the thought of the wait time on hold....... days maybe.   I won't bore you with anymore of this- just wanted to set the guideposts of what was and will not be happening.......we are just going hour by hour here.  The Long Goodbye.

Filed Notes- Saturday September 23rd- AGAIN

 Huge Emotional Family Thing.

Husband is home.  Possibly a mistake but it seemed like the right way to go.  The rehab was far away- daughter working  (she took this week off) and I am still not driving- and would NEVER drive that far or that fast.. for 40 minutes one way......Everyday like I did when he had his heart attack in 2004.  I was so much younger then.

His hospital doctor said it was the right way to go....we talked about it on the phone and then he sent over release orders. (to the desk on husband's floor.)

He is coughing quite a bit- wasn't at hospital. (air might be drier here)  Doing word search on the couch. 

Daughter rolled all the carpets and made a pile of them.  Moved furniture to clear spaces for walking. I made up the bed in the guest room as it is easiest to get in and out of no chance of a slip on wood floor- as it has carpet.   And he has the walker to pull up on.

Cross the street neighbor loaned us her walker (from the time she had surgery) and also a toilet frame that G can pull up on and also helps steady him as he sits.  He's on the couch doing Word Search puzzles.

Mistake or right thing to do.......we'll see but not having visitors......that's the deal breaker for me.  Being alone.  I know the staff was very pleasant and cheerful...there was that.....

Field Notes- Saturday, September 23rd. Moving Day for husband. Not home......

 By accident- on the worst choice of day possible- I took husband's clothing home- the stuff he was wearing Monday......and today when they transfer him- he won't have any clothes to put on.

He'll have eyeglasses and hearing aids.

It's almost 9am and no one has called the house.....so..

Sam hasn't come by or called as yet....she has to mark all the clothing with his name and then pack his suitcase. 

I went and got the newspaper, the front lawn was littered with broken tree branches over night or during the week......I tossed them into the "not grass" area.  The Lawn Mowing People did not come. Yesterday was their mowing day.  Hasn't been mowed.

I actually ate food....a dinner- here at home.  Watched some tv and went to bed.  Fell asleep right away and AGAIN woke up at 4am.  Did not go back to sleep.  I tried. But it never happened.

This is what happens every night so far.  The not going back to sleep wears me out.

Telling him he wasn't coming home yesterday- gutted me.  His face.  I wanted to say- forget it- get dressed and we would bring him home.  I knew in my heart that would be a huge mistake....so I kept it to myself. But I have been crying non-stop since.   I think how I would feel.....being sent to "somewhere" to stay for "some time" and maybe after that come home.  Maybe.  The key word here is Maybe.

Well. I need to have breakfast.  Daughter called and was all  "ALL" with me so it wasn't a great call.

She knows where the place is located now....same long drive there.   But I can start asking neighbors for a ride.  They are wanting to be doing something to help.

I just want.......what?  It can't be over.  It is just beginning............so, I guess I wish it never happened.  We never called 911.  We took him to his regular doctor and got antibiotics for the urinary track infection and  who knows how that would have gone.

I am so tired.  So sad.  So tired of crying.  

Don't Know What Notes- Friday, September 22nd. The end of one thing and preview of another.

 No pictures-  It's been a really HARD Day.  

We had to tell him he wasn't going home... thinking about how he looked at us- breaks my heart. We had ordered him dinner- I doubt he ate any of it.....

As we packed his suitcase for tomorrow's move to the place he's going- I can't remember what it's called. I remembered- Clover.  Auburn, Me. 

They will assess whether he goes forward- home or Assisted Living.  Five to Six weeks.  It got a Five Case Manager YES rating from Sam's former coworkers.  She also started a Case File on him- for her own peace of mind.

So.....I can barely see the screen- crying so much....we stopped at Target and bought him new shorter sweatpants.  The ones he has are too long and are an accident waiting to happen.

I have some items that needed to be washed (before packing) in the machine.

I should eat something.

Sam will pack the suitcase in the morning.  After she writes his name on all the clothing.

I need to eat......watch some tv- I haven't read a book since  Monday.  That's how bad this is.

Field Notes- Updated and Still Friday September 22nd.

 A night photo from my Master Gardener Friend Patty.  An RN.  We talked for a long time last night.

That picture above the stove is a painting of a little house that I made for her..... she calls it the Happy Home Painting.

Daughter contacted her friends still in Social Work.  We are waiting.  Hospital is calling our one choice form the list and a new choice.....not on the list.  Fingers crossed...all of you.....that they have a bed open. And that hospital will keep him until they do have a bed open.  So many old people in the state of Maine....we are most likely whistling in the wind.

I started this second post because I wanted to send all of you this picture of the Happy House.....the way I used to be long long ago before I knew any of you.   I want to get back to being that person......I want that.

Now I need to find someone to attach a fold down shower bench to the master bath wall.   So, eventually husband can come home.

Field Notes- Friday September 22nd.

 No photo.  Yesterday he was in a brand new room- a single and the Palliative Care person was sitting next to him explaining everything.  But after I had a long  midnight phone call with my friend who is a nurse and went thru with this with her parents.  Both at the same time  She has straightened the information out.

Let's just say my Life going forward is just completely SCREWED.

I took a very long and hot shower this morning.  I am wearing red linen pants and a red multi colored plain shirt.   Can't miss me today.  No idea if we are going anywhere today. (I am NOT going anywhere right now)

I am eating breakfast.  I will get a Starbucks coffee in the.....nope NOT GOING TO HOSPITAL TODAY.

He is being FAST TRACKED and moved to a Skilled reHab...like in 5 minutes and we have to choose one. What a SHIT way to do things.....One was a definite NO the second was a ride into Portland and back everyday- NO-  so we have two in Lewiston-  One near a hospital where one of daughter's old co workers works -in adjacent hospital. Daughter contacted her and is talking to her now....  Our insurance covers Skilled Rehab.

He has to go to one of these before he can come home.  And I have to have the walker and the shower chair attached to the wall before that happens- I am guessing they send someone to "make sure".

My RN friend finds all this weird.

I call it "cover your ass so you don't get sued".

So they (hospital) is very eager to get G out of the hospital and into that "skilled rehab".   Daughter has a call in to some of her Social Worker peeps.......one has just called her back.  Now...we discover if our first choice has an opening.  All this having to be done as FAST AS POSSIBLE........ I HATE a RUSH JOB. Especially as it's a LIFE here we are talking about.

My community area has NO SKILLED REHAB.  So...... could my Life get more stressful?

This is a real time post......daughter's social worker friends have given insight and we have THREE HARD NO WAY IN HELL places and ONE OKAY and ONE REALLY GOOD  but not on the list place.

Hell on Earth.  Hospital is making calls....see if they have an open bed.   If not daughter will call back to see if he can stay until a bed opens........The tension in my back and neck...so so bad.

Field Notes- Thursday September 21st. 7 pm.

 Think Report.  

So...we walked in to reception this morning and asked about his room number.   Daughter thought it would be better to know the worst on the ground floor so we could walk out fast.

When we left yesterday he had a fever and sounds in his lungs no one was happy about.... and had more people in his room than I though could fit.  An all hands on deck blaze.

I waited at home for the call that he hadn't made it.

Walked in this morning to a new room (reportedly the best on the floor)--a single with wide screen tv and a full deluxe bathroom.  He looked better than he has in years.  Not allowed solid food or liquids.  Applesauce. Ice Cream. Yogurt. Period.  Nothing that could get sucked into lungs by accident. I'm certain he will manage to do it anyway.

We found the Palliative Care rep talking to him (excuse spelling) and explaining the difference between a "Natural Death" and a "DNR".  He has now chosen the Natural Death.  A late birthday present. For me.

So Palliative Care.   Rehab.  Assisted Living.  Period.  Just like that.

A friend is looking for a walker and a shower chair with arm things to hold on to....I am at a loss for words.

Daughter took me out for a "Pub" dinner.  Deep Fried Pickles, A Cheeseburger and Fries. I admitted I haven't eaten anything but half a bowl of oatmeal each day....today I even had a Starbucks coffee. Not even my Birthday Dessert.......

We'll be driving back to the hospital again...tomorrow. And the next tomorrow etc. etc. We left him doing a word search after reading a woodworking magazine.  Bright and cheerful and on point. Drugs????

I have leftovers of the Pub Dinner in the fridge.  Fries and Pickles.  And Cheesecake Bites dipped in dark chocolate.  But not tonight.  Tonight the heating pad..... and early to bed. I am whiplashed and exhausted.

Field Notes- No Pictures September 20th 10am.

 Yesterday daughter called Triage Nurse at husband's primary care doctor.... He had fallen again that morning slamming hard into the closet doors and then slumped on the floor in pool of urine.

Tricky getting him upright...and then into shower and then dressed.

Daughter arrived with belated Birthday Treats.  Thank goodness.

She used to be a Social Worker......not a  Gardener.  

She Social Worked.  

Called 911 and gave them a heads up of what they were going to find.

Took four of them to get husband down the front steps and onto the gurney without him face planting. It's like he has no idea where surfaces are......the ER tested (imaging) for brain malfunction. No results yet. Well, there may be results we don't know about. Yet.

The firemen looked at me in amazement.....how had I managed......yes...let's consider that.

So...he finally got a room well past midnight.  (we were in ER since noon)

We got home around 1am.  One cup of bad coffee from an ER tech.  Daughter had her work lunch with her. I packed for today- drinks and energy bars.

I had a load of wash in the dryer and one in the washer because he had wet the bed- I had to put sheets on the bed......so very late when I fell into bed.

I woke and wondered where husband was........it's like my mind erased the day. I was getting up to go find him and see what had befallen him......  It all came back.

It all just came back.......how had I forgotten?   Well, I have his real eye glasses for today.. Charged up iPhones....hearing aids.  Word Search Puzzles if he wants.  

And a Fresh Notebook and pen.  Not Washing Machine Pages... this notebook will start with the 911 call and record it all......  I might not be doing this much writing in future posts.....or I might.  I have no idea of what my Life will look like going forward.......not a clue.

Field Notes- Monday, September 18th. a Very wet Rainy Day.

 So, finally I get into my blog account.  It's been a real CHORE today.

My flowers (from my sister in law and I think my brother also) are very very beautiful.  Very NOT FLORIST looking.  Wild and just picked looking.  Lovely.

I snagged two slices of cheesecake for dessert.

Long call from our Son in California......we made some decisions.  Some really wonderful and some really hard ones....I cried a bit.  Moving van will arrive ...here.  

I am going to ask daughter if she wants a paying gig of organizing the Attic Storage area and moving things and sticking labels on everything.  So we can find what we put away.  We'll empty the the sewing room.  Try and find the guys who did the floors.....get then up there to do a bathroom and the floors.

And do the kitchen floors and we will choose a new stove together.

The BEST EVER BIRTHDAY GIFT.  My boy is coming home.

So......I might take a nap.

Field Notes- The Day After Nothing Happened. No Hurricane. Sunshine today.

 When I grew parsley in the herb garden....yes a specific garden- herbs like a dry crumbly soil- I added sand and some small rocky bits.......I would wash and roll the parsley leaves like this, freeze in a heavy duty plastic bag- like the one in the picture.....  then slice off what ever amount I needed...with the same knife you see here.....I could have taken this photo in my house.  My cutting board looks the same as well. And my rubber bands.  I loved seeing a photo (on a food server) that could have been taken in my kitchen.

Rule #7- Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the real thing.

I imagine quite a lot of things each day......and they are hard to bear.

My brother emailed from northern Georgia during the "hurricane" here in Maine.  We had wind gusts... that knocked a lot of acorns off the trees....the sun came out often.  It rained a bit. And was for the most part...just a wet windy Maine Day.  94,000 lost power on the coastline. Not all in Maine.  I kept him notified and then we signed off.

Today it's like it all never happened.  Husband is already napping.  He got up, dressed, read the paper and did his word search puzzle........now he is napping.  The bruise on his forehead looks worse.  He says it doesn't hurt- I applied Arnica to it.  He read the Sunday paper and then asked if I was ready to do the Monday grocery shopping.  It's like that......here.

The Sunday Grocery insert has a two slice cheesecake being offered.....with whip cream and strawberries. I think I will buy this tomorrow.  I was thinking Tiramisu.  If they have that in small servings- I will get one or two.  The Universe Provides.

In years PAST.......I would have a pot roast cooking in the oven.  I'd make mashed potatoes.  Cole Slaw.  Gravy. And have that for the Birthday Week.  Not any more.  I was the ONLY ONE eating it.  And I don't know why I stopped cooking.......you should cook for yourself......I should.  But I stopped.....and that is a real shame. I have a feeling most of the women reading this don't cook.......I know Paula does. Who else out there still cooks????

Field Notes- Saturday, September 16th. Windy. Not raining.

 So..we went to bed thinking the hurricane winds would knock out power.  We're still up and running. Knock Wood.

It's windy but not the howling wind of a hurricane.  Yet.  If.  The Twins are out on their battery operated vehicles. Using them in ways they were never meant to be used.  One example the motorized racing car is pulling the wheeled cart (for the garbage can) with a boy riding on the back. I checked to make sure they both had shoes on.  I was told to report them if they passed by bare footed.  Shoe Policewoman.

Husband tripped and fell on the porch steps - while out getting the morning paper...I was asleep.  He has a large red welt on his forehead.  Last time- years ago- when he did this- on an ice covered step- he hit his mouth.  And wow....just wow regarding the amount of blood.

He is now taking a nap.  He read the paper and ate breakfast in between so...I am not worried about him sleeping.  You know- Concussion protocol.

It's darkening up....so it might start raining.

I found a Library offered web site-- I wrote down hundreds of romance titles going back to 2013.  Some I had read and forgotten but most of the titles were new to me.   I used to read Murder Mysteries and Thrillers.  I moved on to Romance later in Life.  I missed out on so MANY BOOKS.

Well, sounds like my cup of coffee is ready.....gotta go...

Field Notes- Friday, September 15th. I've been married 55 years today. I'm the only one who remembers.

 I had no flowers on my wedding day- I have none today. I don't even wear a ring.

I finished reading a strange but wonderful book yesterday.  A young woman who was born a boy and a man who was born a girl.  They meet.  They pretend to be a couple.  They fall in love. Things do not work out. Then......all hell breaks loose. American girl and French guy.   Chef's Choice by TJ Alexander.

Today's calendar quote: Don't spend time brooding over sorrows or mistakes.

Spot on for an Anniversary of the day I made my biggest mistake. Really.

Well, tomorrow the hurricane arrives......but the Sun is shining right now and not even a tiny breeze.

I actually have nothing else to say or write.....  another phone call (yesterday) telling me how to Live My Life.  I am getting very very tired of this........do they show up in person?  No.  I'd actually appreciate them showing up and doing something to make my Life easier......... even bringing me a sandwich or taking me to lunch.

I have a load of wash to do- took a shower this morning.....husband had gotten all the faucets screwed up in the shower......took awhile to get water to come out of the overhead.......what was he doing????  Next time I will tell him to leave the water running when he is finished.

I found a spritz bottle of body spray I used to use. (in the guest room closet).....lovely stuff.  I am sure it is no longer made.  I'm sure the store that sold it is no longer in business..  About and inch or two left.... I spritzed myself.

Field Notes- Thursday, September 14th. Lots of rain yesterday- today sunshine and humidity.

 Same artist as yesterday...... Paul Balmer

I covered the containers in the rain yesterday.  Got soaked.  Really soaked.  When I covered them- late and in the dark- before bed- everything was difficult.  But I keep going.

Today's Rule to Live By--- Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously.

A friend called me today........gave me a list of things I should be "doing"........... I think the rule should read don't take what other people say to you-- too seriously.

Saturday.......that's when the hurricane Will or Will Not Hit Maine.   When the above ground power poles will hit the ground and take forever to be repaired.   

No one reminded me that I wanted to get a generator installed.  

Oh well. too late to think bout it now.

I had tomatoes, fresh mozzarella and Balsamic yesterday... I didn't like it.  tossed it in  .....the compost bucket.  In fact, I am not really enjoying the garden fresh tomatoes at all.......even as a BLT.

Daughter brought over a jigsaw puzzle she found at the Town Dump- a Coastal Dump.  We don't have one in the city where we live.  Got to be one of the same Towns by the ocean.  When I read Nantucket books they mention the Town Dump.  A lot.

I seem to have 14 emails....going to see what that's about..... perhaps have......I don't know what to eat.

Field Notes- Wednesday, September 13th. RAIN. Umbrella and Raincoat.

 Paul Balmer- Abstractions.

I exited my bed....rather late today.  I was sad.  It feels like a sad day.  Rule #2 in the 12 Rules to Live By.

"make the best of circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has sorrow."

I wrote them on my desk calendar to share here and I forgot..... I also read the paper, ate my oatmeal, took my pills, uncovered the containers in the rain- which has now stopped, the fat bees are back on the big pink flowers.  Our dear friend from the years in Germany is safe in Morocco.  She wishes the country was getting more Aid.

 We watched Men's Soccer- Scotland v England.  I admired their haircuts and beards. The stuff of Rom Com novels.  I also paid attention to their posteriors as that is also mentioned in Rom Com's ....Soccer Butt.--especially in the Boyfriend Candidate- which the local bookstore had ready for me on Monday.  Boyfriend checked off haircut, beard and butt in that book. His cologne was also "cedar plus"...that is also treading in romcoms.  Cologne with cedar plus something floral or herbal. 

Husband was confused by the game- I said they are just trying to kick the ball into the netted goal thing.

So.........not much else.  I am reading a new author-   Meghan Quinn.  Kiss and Don't Tell.  A young woman runs her car off the road in Banff and the closest house is a big one full of Canadian Hockey Players. One of them- the Goalie- likes her and she likes him.......for now..It isn't going to work out. I'm at the half way point.  I read one of her more recent books,  but can't recall the title...I just sorted thru check out slips but can't find it.

The cover is rather... off putting....in fact the three books I ordered are all outside my usual choices. But. we have to go outside every so often...just to see what it's like. And books can be returned unread.

Field Notes- Tuesday. September 12th. Rain- could expect a Hurricane to hit us. Later today.

 Things outside are wet.  Uncovering the largest container- really large- and always  at least one very fat BEE under the netting.  The very wet netting this morning. But I released the BEE.

My oatmeal has beeped and the pot heating my coffee water has shut off......I can't sit here too long.

I slept but ...I saw an image of 911 yesterday- even thought I try not to see them.  But I did and it took me back to that day.  The Silence of the day.  The images before I left for work at the Library.  The Silence there.  The church bells.  

I try NOT to see the images.  I saw the first tower burning- the second plane hadn't arrived.....yet.  so I hurried to change the channel.  The Heavy planes from Europe landed in Bangor.  The ones too far along and with little fuel left.......to  turn around.  Bangor...a retired naval air base with a long runway.  The base just next to my house almost......the runway too short for these heavy planes.  Otherwise- they would have landed near us.  Fighter Jets land here.   It didn't come to that.

9/11 comes first.  Then our anniversary and then my birthday.  In a straight, tight line. Forevermore.  Seven Days.  I have tears running down my face.....I have nothing more to say.

Field Notes Monday, September 11th. Clouds, Humidity. BOOKS!!!

 I've always wanted a Sundial.   There is just something about them.....

Well.  The day had a wiggly start but now we are fine.  Husband wanted to fill his two week pill box and didn't have enough of any of his pills.......I had a note on the empty bottles so...I hoped I had called in the prescriptions......I had.  So now we are calm. (and the pill boxes are full).  Doing Word Search and eating ice cold grapes on the sunporch.  

I bought myself dry apricots. Basil. Fresh mozzarella. 

I am having significant discomfort with my right hip.  I don't know why.  

I bought bacon to make BLT's.   And the ONLY way I remembered BACON was I walked past the gal who grew the tomatoes. And she said her sister sent her out to buy BACON.    BLT's.

I finished reading the Seven Year Slip by Ashley Poston.  She also wrote the Dead Romantics.  The Seven Year Slip is really good.  

After the Library I walked down the street and around the corner to the bookstore.  And picked up books I had ordered. And then the grocery and now back home..... along the way- I walked around two very fine  young men using excavator equipment.  On the way back I asked if they found what they were looking for....they busted out laughing and said they "didn't find anything" and were very happy about that..

So easy now...to just talk to nice looking men....I bet it was just as easy years and years ago...but I didn't even try........

Field Notes- Sunday September 10th. Rained overnight- in the high 70's. Comfortable.

 So.......a random image from the image file.  This could be from Kim.  I imagine she and David having a set up like this in their office.  At home. Working side by side.

Tennis.  Sigh.....I tried to be interested.  But the game was dull. Perhaps because the two players were tired or bored.. And the camera angle was too high?  And because of this...it seemed too far removed...so lacked the energy and emotion of other tennis matches.  Certainly nothing like the men's match the day before.

Then I watched House Hunters with professional  (mostly football players- retired) looking at houses. One pair was fun- he was still very athletic looking (and young) and she was a petite lawyer.  They had one million dollars to spend and needed two deluxe master suites as they "did not" sleep in the same room.

For the remainder of the retired sports guys.......I did not like the houses they selected.  

My cross the street neighbor emailed to say she would be happy to share half a loaf of potato bread from a good bakery with me.   So I could have a tomato sandwich.  So I had a delicious tomato sandwich.

And that was Saturday.......  This morning the covered containers were very very wet.  I am doing something at night - I wake up with the right side of my neck muscles all tight and aching.  I spend the day trying to relax them.......this morning my right shoulder is also involved.  Sigh.

Field Notes- Saturday, September 9th. A wet morning. Rain overnight. The Grass is happy.

 

Sleeping is better now that it's not as muggy.  A bit of sunshine is coming thru the heavy tree line. The grass was very wet as I walked around to uncover the ornamental pots.  The tall one with sunflowers fell over in the wind......it's recumbent on the grass.  Top heavy.  So rescue is not going to work...stems will break.  Compost seems the place for it right now.  but I could cut flowers for a vase....

I asked for a reference from my "just across the street neighbor" for the name of the company that replaced her roof shingles........our roof needs new shingles.  Our "usual" retired.  Sigh.  Or drifted out of Maine during the pandemic....never to return.

My Southern Gardening friend- a transplant to Maine from Virginia- dropped off a box of very very delicious looking tomatoes.  I will be eating them..... they are ripe and ready.......

I started watching last night's Tennis.  Then husband came to sit next to me and watch.  For some reason- rain?- it was indoors, roof closed etc. And hardly anyone in the audience was paying attention.  Tom Brady was there with his three children.  The camera crew spent more effort on trying to get good shots of the "celebrity" audience.  The camera angles for the tennis- subpar.  But we stayed until the end.

Field Notes- Friday, September 8th. No Breeze, No Sun, Rain is predicted. Not as hot as yesterday.

 I wanted a picture of a big FAT bee........but I don't have one.  The Bees congregate under the netting I put over the ornamental containers at night.....to keep the deer for eating all the plants..... I have to be careful or  one will sting me as I remove the clothespins that hold the netting down- the BEES are under and attached to the netting...buzzing.. really big, fat bees.  Where were they when my fruit trees needed pollination???

When I was a teenager I often stepped on bees as I walked across the lawn.  Baking soda in a paste and applied to the bite would lessen the pain and swelling.

Tennis today.  The AWFUL man is playing today.  I can't stand the sight of him.

News...what is happening here in America?  Is Trump a Russian Troll? What happened to the Supreme Court?  Everything is upside down and turned around.

The fridge is full of really good things right now...and I have no appetite.

I soaked husband's greasy, oily (his skin) pillow cases in very hot water and Dawn. In the kitchen sink. I will run them thru the washing machine when I had a load of clothes.

Husband and I watched - on repeat- that convicted murderer in Pennsylvania- climb the wall and up over the top to freedom.  The news people said he had some "rock climbing experience".  Looked like MORE THAN SOME.  And what was he doing walking around?   Shouldn't he be in a cell???? All day.

I am reading a book about a woman who meets a man in her apartment seven years in her past...... Ashley Poston- her first book was the Dead Romantics......a mortuary worker falls in love with a ghost. It's a bit tricky right now....figuring out what is past and what is present. Page 65.

Field Notes- 9am. Up VERY EARLY. Husband has had a SHOWER. I'll be doing laundry after breakfast and the paper.

 Red Sky in Morning- Sailors take warning.

These Days- red sky means Canadian Fire is upwind of us.  Tell me....why is Canada on Fire? Why are the Canadians letting the fires burn????  We don't get much information.

So...if the smoke gets to Maine-- we will be indoors until it's gone.  Doors and Windows shut tight.

Husband has had a shower.  All is right with my World at this moment in time.  He's clean.

I stripped the sheets off the bed....fresh ones after I eat my breakfast.  I have both window AC units going. It is that warm and that humid here in Maine.  For most of the Summer- I haven't had to use the AC units much.  They have run 24/7 the last few days.

I will also be doing at least one and possibly two loads of wash.  I have "household tasks"........ so I am feeling "useful" today.  The fridge is full of FOOD that only needs to be put into the microwave and heated... so that is pretty fantastic.  Yesterday I had a flatbread filled with reheated Pulled Pork, Cheddar Cheese and Sour Cream.... Very Fine Meal.  I was tempted to make Pizza- but AC units.....so no.

I went back in and finished the book I was reading-- Planes. Trains and all the Feels.  By Livy Hart. There were issues.  With the book.  For me.  And others reading it--as the author had included  one of those warning things.....elements not suitable to some Readers.  These elements were okay for me- in other books the warning had me putting the book back on the shelf.  For me the issue was the pacing of the book..  It got slow and dull (working on issues) and off track and I stopped for a few days and read something else.  I went back and I am glad I did.....I have so MANY CHOICES for what I read next.....

Daughter swung past to pick up her gallon of Oat Milk she forgot in the Porch fridge.  As she was leaving she slowed her car, got out and snapped a picture of a Chickadee sitting on a tall rock by the front of the driveway....for her Instagram......she also dropped off I book she found for me (at Walmart).

I asked...but she said they didn't have the very small Air Fryer she wants me to own.  She also instructed me on how to cook dry pasta in the microwave.  I also have a package of small potatoes I am supposed to bake and then smash and bake some more......... learning (or not) new things......

Field Notes- Wednesday, September 6th. Cloudy and Humid- Might have rained overnight.

 Leaf Art from the blog Something in my sidebar.

Last night I finally went looking at medical web sites...for memory loss.  Progressive Memory Loss. Alzheimers timelines.......  we are halfway.  Husband is half way in Alzheimers.  I can no longer bury my head in the sand.....hoping...well, it's hopeless.  It really is hopeless.... He is all the way in Progressive. Checked every box.

And it's moving faster now......each day I can see the LOSS. I can see change. None of it positive. 

Today I will attempt a shower.   Get him into my shower as there is a low threshold.  In his bathroom, he has to step into the tub--I think it is now too dangerous for him to do that.  As he might fall and hit his head.  My shower was meant for access by wheelchair....but also walking....  I may need to find a chair for him to sit on.   He is now starting to smell.  I was thinking ahead when they did my bathroom. But I was thinking of another heart attack......not this.

I don't think he remembers how the shower works...he knew a few months ago.  Now he doesn't.

I checked off all the gradual symptoms.  All of them.  He has moved thru all of them.  I cried. He has moved thru all of them in a very very short period of Time. Though, looking back....he has been failing to process and think clearly for a few months now (even years).  If I think about it.....I wasn't paying attention.

I am supposed to be using a calendar to keep him current.  Help him stay engaged with people.  (he never was- has no friends of his own), find ways for him to be active- everything makes his back hurt. Feed his curiosity with crafts/puzzles etc.   He is doing Jumbles and Word Search plus the coloring books. But IS NOW coloring with the same three pencils....on every page.  He has hundreds of pencils.  No Field Guides being used.  The Botany side of things is not being used anymore.  We bought Botanical Coloring Books last month.

So........we moved at the speed of light yesterday.........and now all I can hope for is that he goes to sleep and doesn't wake up.  It would be the kindest way for this to end.   For both of us. 

Getting batteries in his toothbrush...was painful to watch.  And now that I have the smell in my nose- everything smells like pee.

Field Notes- Tuesday, September 5th. 80 degrees and very humid.

 So.....another day.  It's been stressful.  And the weather has been hot and humid. I filled gallon bottles to water the planters....husband never dragged hoses out of the basement....I didn't remind him.

I wrote checks for the bills I had on the table and dropped them off INSIDE the postoffice....not in the driveway mailbox.  Which are being targeted by bad people stealing mail.

I went past the post office as I walked down the street, around the block to the Independent Book Store. I picked up three books.  Beth (the co owner) said that Rom Com books are trending steadily as one of the most popular types of book right now.  I mentioned that the Library Resale Shop is going to have a bookcase for them...after calling them GARBAGE BOOKS for years.

People were asking for them.  Pathetic Old Nasty Women running Library Resale Shop. Noses up in the Air.

So......I have recipes from the internet for Avocado Ink- pits in the freezer. stored there for Years!!!!  And Acorn Ink- acorns all over the lawn and driveway....Big Winter Coming????

That's about it from here.......bought meatball dinners for husband and now he says "I don't like them". He liked them two days ago...Not now.  He was stumbling around in my sewing room- looking for batteries for his toothbrush.   Could have fallen and hit his head.  Batteries have never been kept in the sewing room.  Batteries are in the left hand drawer right here in my desk.....Always and Forever.

Today is NOT A GOOD Husband Day.........I finished off the 60% less salt potato chips.

Field Notes- Monday, September 4th. New Neighbors in number 5.

 I walked down to congratulate the moving van guys on getting the van into the driveway @ #5.  Our street is narrow and the edges aren't paved (sand) and...well, they deserved a big WOW!!!  And I wasn't the only neighbor to walk over- turned into a regular Block Party minus the refreshments.  I am already on speed dial for landscaping help....."someone"- not me--- spilled the Beans on me being a Master Gardener.

A baby in 2 months and a 2 year old ...so......fantastic NEW neighbors.  And I absolutely LOVED the Tennessee soft accent.  Especially as ALL the new the men were really tall and good looking........made my DAY!!!!

So...Labor Day.  And I postponed grocery shopping until tomorrow.  I woke up a bit dizzy.  I wasn't dizzy out talking just now but when I got home I was.......what is THAT about?????

So. perhaps the house is too warm?   I had a nice shower this morning and breakfast.  Uncovered the ornamental containers...shook out the bees.  Watered....filled the water bottles.......etc.  Finishing my coffee and then I will choose a new book.  Runaway Groomsman was as delightful as always......I need to choose a new one from the stack.

Daughter has STILL not come to pick up her gallon of Oat Milk.  When she is lazy she gives new meaning to the word.

Field Notes- Sunday (actually sunny) September 3rd. My oatmeal was actually very good this morning.

 Leaf Art- the snipping of a leaf with tiny sharp scissors.  I am gob smacked.

Thank you to Something blogger for always having Something interesting...beautiful...funny....etc on her pages for me to enjoy and share with you. (sidebar)

She widens my World View and makes me gasp in wonder........ for more than ten years and fewer than 20?

Yesterday.......is over.  

Today- fresh start to a new week.  Grocery will be available to us tomorrow but Library is closed.  I am thinking I will wait to do them both on Tuesday.  I have NOT run out of anything. Well, husband is out of yogurt.....but he'll have to struggle thru a whole day without it.  I could share one of mine with him..........hilarious.  I would have to add candy to it.  I could add sprinkles to the vanilla one. Sure.

I have a full basket of dirty stuff to wash today.  I might scribble a bit in the Washer Machine Pages- the new notebook needs a new name......as the new washing machine flies Solo.  I don't need to supervise.

I am reading a golden oldie- Runaway Groomsman.  His former girlfriend marries his best friend and he is forced to be the Best Man.  In the midst of their vows he gives them both the finger and runs down the aisle and into his car- drives north and ends up in a bar in Canoodle.  Where they serve Breakfast for Dinner and the owner likes very sharp knives..  He gets very very drunk......wakes up in the rundown motel next door.  And..the romance and laughter begin. Also some tears.  There's an old grandfather with dementia. Alz. 

So That's What I Will Be Doing Today......reading.  I have a prepared supermarket dinner of Orange Chicken and Fried Rice and a Dove Ice Cream Bar to look forward to....... Life Is Good.  Be Sweet as they used to say in Georgia when I lived there.......I often wonder what they say nowadays.

Field Notes- Saturday, September 2nd. Gas in the car, New bookstore, Groceries in a new store.

 The Path Not Taken?

Daughter showed up and figured out the gas tank lock- inside the car not on outside (security?)  She mentioned bad characters doing damage to cars thru gas tank......new to me.

First the gas.  She paid inside and was worried about Holiday increase in gas price.  $40 to fill. That was okay.  Then the new Barnes and Noble bookstore (just months old) and the section full of RomCom books. I chose a nice stack of books.  They did NOT have any of the ones I ordered at the independent bookstore (the owner called to say three had already arrived- more after the holiday) so all the ones I bought were new additions to the Rom Com Bookcase in my house.

Daughter and I noticed bad driver behavior.   Not stopping at stop signs etc.  Saturday?  People from Away?  Daughter also had to put up with steering wheel placement and seat height....Her  father's car. Husband sits high with steering wheel between his knees it seems.  I think it hurts for his arms to be high on the wheel.  I got used to the high seat in every car we ever owned and I had to drive.  The steering wheel is something "new".

I found the frozen cheese Pierogi at this grocery so I have that to look forward to.  I also bought Bran Flakes-trying their store brand.  Daughter found a gallon of Oat Milk (our regular store had none this week).  I got a prepared Chinese meal- Orange Chicken and Fried Rice.  I also found large cans of Marzano Diced Tomatoes and a few other things new to me, which I have forgotten.

I apologized to a woman in the aisle where I was sightseeing the products.....I told her I was sightseeing in a new grocery...she laughed and said she was actually a TOURIST also.  Like a real one.

A good day.  We have gas.  And yesterday I transplanted the potted tomato plants into the very old and very fertile compost fenced area.  The compost is very very nice (I have made compost back there for 20 years....) and it was very black and moist.  I think the tomatoes might decide to live and thrive for another few weeks.......lots of infant tomatoes on each plant.  the plants can grow over the side of the wooden pallets. Four of them making a nice structure to fill with compostables.......vegetable peels, tea bags, shredded paper, coffee grounds and soup I didn't want to eat (laughing)...  a good day.

Field Notes- Friday September First. Sunshine, Lawn Cutting, Oatmeal and Coffee for breakfast.

 We've had this before but the picture file is really lame right now.  Got to WORK on it. I can NOT send pictures to my desktop or anywhere.  I can't TEXT.  I had to use the house phone to call daughter's CELL. We need GAS in the CAR.  Sigh.  The Gas Warning Light is on.

Also my sleeping is way off due to the amount of bright MOON shining into the bedroom windows all night.  I can't fall asleep.  And then I do fall asleep and it's suddenly morning and I am so TIRED. My right shoulder blade aches. My neck hurts.  Tension.

I am a quarter in on two books.  I don't want to finish reading either of them.  I dislike the characters in one and the print in the second (which is a good book) is so small and faded...my eyes are giving out reading it- Trying to read it. And 80% of the Rom Com readers are my age.

We have had this image of "the loaf".   My picture file is dismal.  My apologies.

Grass is being cut.  Friday is the day.  Thursday was an abnormality according to my neighbor across the street..  Seemed okay to me.  I sent the guy an email with the name and digits for another old woman who can no longer cut her own grass......damage in her right shoulder from who knows what...can't pull the cord on the walk behind..  I had trouble with that years ago when I regularly cut the grass. Because my husband was NEVER HOME.

Now he is ALWAYS home.

My EATEN planter seems even more pitiful today.  I can fill the open spaces with the contents of the two large clay pots- (leftovers from original planting) or I can use contents of container three that no one sees (its on workshop steps). Empty that pot.  Which seems like a messy but better solution.  The plants I would transfer are big and full. So would fill the deer destroyed area.  How much of September will be used???? That is the question.  I will be the one emptying the pots and hauling sifted soil-less mix to garage. Then hauling containers over to the space where we store them for the Winter.

All SORTS of People OFFER TO HELP.  Twenty Four /Seven.  None of them SHOW UP.....see this is the key to getting help.....the actual showing up.....which rarely if ever happens.   The LAWYER has already invited us to Thanksgiving Dinner. Twins Dad. And he comes unasked to carry and set up the big wreaths on the front porch....and take them down.  We never have to ask- well, we did ask a few years ago- now he comes all on his own to do the work....he also walks his snow blower over to clear the driveway.

Listen up people........just show up....do the work and go home....don't say "let me know if you need anything" and walk away.......JUST SHOW UP. Cause the other way...it gets real hard.....trying to fend for yourself.  And real lonely.