While our dogs played, Spice's owner told me a dear friend of mine (who I have sadly lost touch with), has filed for divorce and her husband has kicked her out of the dream house she designed and built on the ocean. After a lifetime of putting up with him. Making excuses for him. She has had to leave her home, her things, and return to her parents home in another state. She doesn't even have her friends to comfort her. To even describe how this hurts me, is impossible. The husband is on vacation in Australia.
Another friend has just suffered a breakup with her significant other and is in that first, painful stage of grief. Anger. There is no fix for what happened.
And I am reliving the final moments (hours) of my father's life. Because what I am, emotionally, begins and ends with him. He never asked for forgiveness. I forgave him all on my own, but he never expressed regret for the emotional damage he did.
My day is filled with sadness, anger, tears and memories. I feel like I am walking thru heavy mud. But, I am walking. Moving forward. I have an actual walk along the river this afternoon with my dog and a friend. It'll be cold. But the conversation will be as good as the company. I will feel better.
3 comments:
Like that woman 'Jewel Diamond...whatever' said that morning at the Women's Breakfast meeting..."It isn't your bag, put it down". Sometimes you have to protect yourself or distance yourself to protect yourself from certain situations.
Your friend who was kicked out of her dream house did something wrong from day 1. Plus it takes two....so don't try to get your head around it. If she didn't see the warning signs, she was either fooling herself or refused to wear her antennaes.
Your Father probably didn't know he was causing such emotional damage/trauma. Maybe that was the only way he knew how.
I still see my mother being dragged by her hair outside in the yard by my father. My mother forgave him as she told me because she found she was doing more damage to herself than to him. She suggested I make peace with myself too.
My father denied all of this...thinking perhaps we were too young to remember the violent scenes. He died, a violent heart attack in a toilet...a fitting place, my mother is still alive and happy.
I can't tell you how much 'shxx' I carry around inside of me, I have never told my younger siblings because they don't have to know this type of violence existed between our parents. I can tell you though that my mother had options. She could have procured a gun and call it self-defence, or pay someone to do the job. She chose divorce.
I try to be the best person I can be for everyone I meet.
Put that bag down.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. Sometimes we do have to wallow for a while.
Pot to Kettle...Our instinct for survival doesn't always jibe with our emotional issues. Sometimes is just rains crap all over and we think it's our job to clean up the mess. Because we are women and that's what tradition tells us we should do.
Save yourself. Your friend will survive even if it doesn't feel like it now and the world once again proves itself to be unfair in big, ugly ways.
As for your father-he's gone and he can't hurt you anymore unless you let him. If you are still filled with rage and sadness, he is still hurting you from the grave. Find a way to put an end to this baggage. Howl at the moon, scream in a room, write his name on paper and fling bits into a fire or off a cliff into the sea. You're giving a dead man power over your life(ask me how I know).
This is your life going by. Grab it by the throat.
You've been such a good friend to me this past, awful year. It pains me to see you unhappy. I hope your walk with a friend helps. You deserve some peace.
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