Etwas Neue

I had lunch with a dear friend today.  But before lunch, I dropped Rileyman off at day care and then did some shopping at TJ Maxx.  This little Polish pepper shaker came home with me.  $4.99 of happiness.

We are in the midst of a cold, cloudy and rainy day.  Yesterday was humid, clammy and disturbing.  Riley was behaving in a very irregular way after 2 pm.  Hallucinating almost.  He became more irratic as the day wore on and tried to jump on the couch for the first time in 3.5 years and even tried to climb into bed with me at bedtime, also for the first time in 3.5 years.  This morning, in a half sleep, I wondered if he had eaten a mushroom while out in the yard.  So, I climbed out of bed, pulled on a sweatshirt, socks and shoes and a garden glove and Riley and I went out in the front and back yards to collect every single mushroom we could find.  I found a grocery bag full.  I am not sure how many of them are bad but I would think, far more than are good.  Don't be worried.  Riley seemed more normal this morning and responded to commands.  His pupils are still dilated though.

My friend and I discussed (at lunch) wanting something and then actually getting it.  We are both competitive and sometimes want things that will only, eventually, make us unhappy.  I spoke about the small, but joyful, few moments each work day when I am talking to and educating a customer on the care and well being of their plant(s).  And the remainder of the day being not very joyful at all.  Why do I want to continue working? Is that fleeting momentary joy worth all the boredom and drudgery?  Is that the way everyone's work is? I also wonder why I wanted to be full time?  I return to work tomorrow.

The red bean chili (no meat) that I made yesterday is delicious.  I forgot the carrot.  The carrot adds a sweetness which is the missing element.  I plan to cube some carrots and simmer them in water and add a spoon or two to each freezer container of chili before freezing them.  I will take a container to work on Saturday with a piece of good bread.

I tried on pants from my closet for the transition to fall/winter.  Only one pair of pants fit comfortably.  Thank goodness the size 20 pants are still too loose and baggy to wear.  I must limit the amount of food I eat in order to have pants to wear to work.  This is exactly the problem I had last January.  Eight weeks of the diet and I could wear my regular pants comfortably.  Here I am, in October, at the same place.  Today at lunch, I didn't have the side of pasta and skipped wine with lunch.  I did have half a dessert.  No breakfast before.  I have to cut each serving of food (except for vegetables and salads) in half.  Learn to eat less, less often.  I have been comforting myself with food lately.

I went into spring and summer with only one pair of cropped pants and one pair of shorts.  For other occasions I have Flax linen pants that always fit, no matter what.  And for some reason, my pajamas always fit.  So, I can go into Fall with one pair of jeans (if I don't try to bend or sit down) and the old standby green cords that I wore the week my dad died.  2008.  When I was much thinner.  Magical pants that always fit.  The new pants I bought for work in the spring, are too snug for work.  And my dog walking pants are all too snug to be comfortable for 3 mile walks in the cold, snowy days of winter.  Baggy is warmer.

And I bought a dozen new pairs of underpants yesterday.  In the same size.  More incentive to be thinner and more comfortable.  My own worst enemy.  Food is my comfort.  The only thing I could always depend on.  I have to learn to depend on something else to comfort me.