Temptation

My apple is made of wood but the image is real enough.  I sliced a loaf of sourdough bread for G last week and was lost in the smell, feel and observation of that crusty bread.  I wrapped it quickly and sent it into hiding in the freezer.  I wanted to eat it.  This was the first time, in the diet, that the urge to eat something was so strong.  Nearly overpowering.  Fresh bread and boxed cereals.  I managed to give away all the boxes of cereal.  I have to admit to feeling lost by the depth of desire I felt for that loaf.  Shaken.  Tempted.

I was reading LCC (it's in my sidebar), this morning and he admits that low carb diets don't work over a long period of time, and may not work more than once (the first time).  Why are most of the forum comments made by people, restarting Induction, time after time?  Because they fell victim to Temptation.

I want to return to my regular life.  Eventually.  But now, suddenly, like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown in my face, I can see that I will never be able to "return" to what I think of, still, as a normal life of eating.  I am not actually "on a diet".  I have actually changed the way I eat.  Forever.  One day at a time.

It is exhausting to try and get your body to give up it's "fat position".  Once fat, you have those newly accumulated fat cells forever.  And your body wants to fill those fat cells full of fat.  The solution? Never get fat in the first place.  Ha.  Too late.

Once upon a time, in the 70's, I weighed 188.  I stopped eating for 5 or 6 weeks (I drank only coffee all day) and lost 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds in less than 6 weeks.  My teeth felt loose and my hair fell out but I was finally THIN.  Size 8.  I managed to stay somewhere between 135 (my high school and college weight) and 160 for the next ten or fifteen years without dieting. Then I ballooned to 238.  I was depressed about living in Maine.  I stayed that heavy for a very long time.  But as I neared 60, I wanted to stop being fat.  I dieted.  1200 calories a day and a one hour walk.  Everyday for 365 days.  I reached 158.  And everyone was telling me how awful I looked and how mean I was.  So I started eating like I had when I was 238.  How incredibly stupid.  Over three years, my weigh fluctuated between 178 and 198.

Now, with Atkins, I have managed to go from 198 to 173 in seven months.  It doesn't seem like much.  No amazing 60 or 80 pound weight loss.  But no one is saying I look awful or act mean.  I am 13 pounds away from my goal of 160.  I actually want 158.  No good reason, other than at an emotional level, it seems like a good place for me.  I don't think I can ever get to 138, the weight where I felt best.  My body won't let itself go there.

The 1200 calories a day won't work it's magic any more.   I can't fast.  And, now, I learn that Atkins won't work for the long haul.  I feel lost and so very tired of the whole thing (which is how I managed to get to 238) and so I have decide to write about it all and just get everything out there.  Be honest and open.  Let the Universe see what I am troubled by and hope that some answer comes to me.  From somewhere.

Time for breakfast (eggs) and I have laundry and shirts to iron and a very large bag of large clothes to take to Goodwill.  And a dog to walk.  And a life to live.  And fat cells to struggle with for years to come.