The day was going well. Nice weather, good, but tiring day at work. Nice dinner at the Chinese place. Happy dog. Present in the mail. Good vibes.Press the answering machine button. My dad.
In one message, all the nightmares of my childhood reappear. In one message, all the good in my life, dries up and floats away. It's as if my father's (and mother's) sole purpose in life was to destroy any peace I could make for myself.
You can move 1300 miles away but your parent can always "reach out" and leave a message.
I am exhausted but I have little hope of sleep. Dad's phone message will run, like a loop, in my head, over and over. And I will remember ALL the other times. Ugly. Dysfunctional. Terrifying. Imagine telling a five year old child she is worthless. Me.
I want no pity or comments. This is my history. My emotional landscape. I am guilty of the same with my children and husband. Hurtful comments meant to inflict pain but always "justified". It's still abuse. The abused learns how to abuse others.
More than you wanted to read in this blog.
4 comments:
I am not sending sympathy. More like empathy. Sounds like my childhood. I am an only child. I am 61 and still feel the pain. So know that you are not alone. I hope you have a brother or sister. I did not. Somehow I thought that would help.
Linda
Sending you more empathy. I wonder if we were separated at birth? My therapist once told me that as long as you allow these people to make you feel this way, (destroyed & devistated)they are still abusing you and you life is going by.
Erase the message, have a long cry, remove these people from your life in any manner that you can. Change your number, that's what did it for me. I will never have to hear them again...except in my head when things get tough and they do less and less as time goes by. I'm working on that too.
You are in my thoughts today J. You have found a way to be good to yourself and your family despite what happened-make peace with yourself before you allow anyone to rob you of another day, hour, minute.
Erase the message from the machine, and try to erase it from your mind too - not easy, I know, but you can do it. Give yourself a hug, hug your hubby and get hugged back. You are a loved and loving person, you deserve love! Choose your own family, the people who actually care about you, and forget about those who can't appreciate you for who you are - that's their problem, not yours!
Hugs from Kentucky.
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