The day was going well. Nice weather, good, but tiring day at work. Nice dinner at the Chinese place. Happy dog. Present in the mail. Good vibes.
Press the answering machine button. My dad.
In one message, all the nightmares of my childhood reappear. In one message, all the good in my life, dries up and floats away. It's as if my father's (and mother's) sole purpose in life was to destroy any peace I could make for myself.
You can move 1300 miles away but your parent can always "reach out" and leave a message.
I am exhausted but I have little hope of sleep. Dad's phone message will run, like a loop, in my head, over and over. And I will remember ALL the other times. Ugly. Dysfunctional. Terrifying. Imagine telling a five year old child she is worthless. Me.
I want no pity or comments. This is my history. My emotional landscape. I am guilty of the same with my children and husband. Hurtful comments meant to inflict pain but always "justified". It's still abuse. The abused learns how to abuse others.
More than you wanted to read in this blog.