Blue Christmas

The roofers covered the skylights with tarps so they won't leak when it rains (after it snows). Which means that the major source of light here in the room I spend most of the day in, will be less, and blue. For 18 years I have enjoyed a great deal of natural light, even in winter. The "dark times" are here now, earlier, and for most of the day. I have switched on the lamps, but it's still going to be a dangerous winter for me. Depression lurks.

And G never got around to putting my skinny little wild tree in the stand. So my planned activity for this snow stormy day, decorating the tree, isn't going to happen. And the book I want to read is at the library waiting for pick up, but they have probably closed because of the storm. And I wouldn't drive into town anyway. The notification came via email, AFTER, I had done all my errands.

I went out to Goodwill yesterday to see if I could find some pants or a down vest or jacket liner. All the pants, and they had lots, were 14, 12, 10 etc. And I am not that size anymore. Another reason to worry about being depressed. I went to Dick's looking for a down hunting jacket liner. The manager agreed that jacket liners are amazing but Dick's doesn't carry them. And he couldn't think of anywhere to get them. The one I have now, is too tight. Can you see the theme of my life?

I wanted to buy the Art Quilt Studios magazine with Deborah's article, but since the magazines are permanently 10% off, I couldn't use my 50% off coupon and $15.99 is too much for a magazine. Especially when I have no idea if there is even anything in it I want to read, besides Deborah's article. I was willing to pay $8. Jo Ann's puts popular items on permanent 10% off so we can never use our coupons to buy these things. Coupons are for "regular price items" only. I walked out of Jo Ann's last night with nothing. And today, the day of the storm, is 15% off everything for anyone over 60. And the town is shutting down. And they refused to give the senior discount last night. I heard little Nanas asking.

So, here I sit. The house is dark. It's snowing pretty hard. My back hurts. I feel like crying. And now, I am crying.

I have ironing and laundry to finish. And I can change the couch slipcovers. Vacuum the rugs. Keep busy. I can do all those things and still cry.