The Times They Are A Changing

A forty pound weigh loss can change a person in more ways than just size. I feel different in every way. I feel confined. Like a caterpillar in it's wrappings; pushing, growing, getting ready to emerge and dry off it's new wings.

I thought about this change in weight for a full year before starting the "new eating plan" in January. I mostly visualized some slim black pants, tiny tee shirt and a spikey new haircut. In other words, I imagined myself younger. I'm just now realizing this.

I also visualized a "new life" to go with the slimmer body. An artist's life. Painting. Pottery. Mixed Media. In a sunny studio with long wide tables. Space to have two or three projects spread out at all times so I could work a bit here and then ponder a bit there and fuss with something in yet another spot. I didn't visualize working at the library. Surprise.

My relationships with people are also changing. I know my husband is worried. You can see it in his eyes. He wonders if I will still be here each day when he returns from work. I will be here. The "I" may not be the person he knows or has known. Or wants to know. Those are his future choices.

I am becoming a person I don't know yet either.

I am only half way there, half way to my goal and already I am questioning my path. I am afraid of what is in front of me. But not so eager to go back to what I was. Each day is a challenge of personality, body, spirit and determination.

When you are half way there--to go back would take as long as continuing forward. So I will push on. Bear with me. Your comments and good wishes come at just the right moments. Have I mentioned that? Well, they do. Random good wishes are the very best kind. Unexpected. Surprising. Thoughtful.

If you wonder-- at forty pounds I look different. Smaller than I was but still a large size woman. (this disappoints me more than I care to admit) I can see and feel my shoulder bones and hip bones. I may need to buy new underwear soon. I am putting all my clothing in the dryer and hoping it shrinks, just a little. I had my gray hair glazed a dark brown and was intrigued when no one noticed the color but commented on the "great haircut". I only had it trimmed. Same cut. I wish I could have liposuction of the hip saddle bags and a tummy tuck. Chinese Lunch yesterday wasn't so very yummy. I may not need it anymore. It was my "treat" each seven days. I think the chicken tenders at Pedro's with honey mustard and BBQ sauce may be the new "treat" with a side salad and no dressing. And I can have this "treat" when I lunch with friends.

I'm walking 2 miles everyday- today will be a chore because it's 50 degrees and raining so I will be soaked to the bone by the time I finish. A nice hot shower and some pasta should make it worthwhile. Whole wheat pasta. And then work at the library. I've made G some homemade tomato soup with the last big bag of frozen tomatoes from last year's garden. G loves soup. I love him.