In the Weeds

While pulling weeds, I noticed I had onions. Not the large onions promised on the package I bought, but little 2 inch firm ones. They will taste good I hope. Right now they are out in the sunshine drying off.

I also "weeded" some baby carrots, cucumbers and a few large zucchini. Not the mammoth ones as big as watermelons. Just bigger than I usually let them get. I also cut the flowering stalks off my parsley (which I never think to cut for meal prep), tarragon and chives. And uncovered my basil which was doing well on it's own. Tomatoes and fresh mozzarella are going on my shopping list. I harvested, and promptly ate, the handful of blueberries.

My tomato plants have yellow flowers but no fruit yet. And the best, and healthiest plant, is the one in the compost bin. As usual. I should just plant them there. Everything looks spindly. I think all the rain has washed the fertilizer I added at the beginning, right out of the soil. Into the paths. Where the weeds are exuberant.

I tried to take a picture of myself when I was done gardening an hour ago. Dirt everywhere. In my hair. All over my face, knees, feet, arms. So dirty that my shower ball is now gray instead of pink. Perhaps I should have spritzed myself with Simple Green?

And then I weighed myself. Give me strength. This battle I must wage is so very difficult. I have been trying, but giving in to the "wants" and "needs" far too often. Comforting myself and rewarding myself with food. I truly detest the weighing, measuring and counting of the diet. It takes up so much of my time. But if I don't do it, every extra 10, 50 or 100 calories adds up.

I like having a bowl of cold cereal with milk in the summer for breakfast. 400 calories. My lunchtime salad 480 calories because of the dry cranberries and crispy Chinese noodles. I can continue to eat this way as long as my dinner is 320 calories minus my afternoon apple. So dinner is 200 unless I skip the apple. You can see where this all goes wrong can't you? Who eats a 200 calorie dinner? I have to stay at 1200 calories in order to lose ANY weight. And it's far better if two or three days a week I barely touch 800. I either skip breakfast or lunch.

When I was on the "diet" I had oatmeal and tea everyday for breakfast. No lunch. Just a 70 calorie low fat ounce of cheese and an apple. Usually, just the cheese. And the rest of the calories were spent on dinner. I got down to 800 by having a salad for dinner a few times a week. 265 plus 200 plus 400 equals 865 for the day. I got used to eating that way. I wasn't happy about it. All day long, it was negative. It was always about what I couldn't have. And I still was cooking regular meals for my husband, including chocolate chip cookies, brownies, pizza and pasta. Add a new puppy to the mix and I'm surprised I was successful.

But I was very angry most of the time. No wonder I lost my job. And now I have to do it again. When I had promised myself that if I did the diet for one full year, I would never have to diet again. I actually thought I would have learned to BE THIN. Instead, I learned to wait for the diet to end and then slowly began eating a few more calories each day. Anything over 1500 is a problem for me. 1500. Pitiful after 365 days of 1200 or less.

So here I am at 185 instead of 160. Here I am wearing size 16 pants when I have size 12's in the closet. (all the weight came back and settled on my hips and butt) Here I am facing another 3 to 6 months of NO NO NO NO NO NO. Actually, here I am facing TWENTY YEARS of NO NO NO. A lifetime of "no you can't have any of that". A bowl of shredded wheat with milk. No. I have tears running down my face as I type this.

In restaurants, the chef says they are "in the weeds" when things are going very badly. I'm in the weeds dear readers. Things are going very badly.