I feel like changing my life. Again. I need more art and less of everything else. I would like more book reading but that doesn't seem to fit into my life anymore. I wonder why that happened?
I feel like a snake or lobster. Too large for their skin and needing to "shed" the too tight outer layer. Wiggling. Pushing. Struggling. To get out. This shedding is not painless. For every inch of the new, there is the loss of the familar. And familar is cozy, warm and safe. The new is cold, strange and scary.
Right now I am tied down tightly by obligations. Agreed to long ago. I must finish these things--I'm that kind of person--and I must be vigilent to saying yes to new obligations. These obligations always seem so benign when I say yes. Then as time passes and I have new interests the obligations weigh on me like rocks tied to my ankles in deep water.
Forgive me. But the puppy is one such obligation. There are days, hours when I resent having to watch him, take him out, amuse him. I am under the impression I have better things to do with my time. But what is better than the love of a dog?
Another obligation is piecing a quilt top for a sick friend. Easy enough but all the blocks are boringly the same and the finished top will be boring (for me). I just need to get past my own opinions and get the job done and pass it on to the quilter. Really. My obligation was only to put the blocks together. Not to create a masterpiece.
Another obligation is this huge house full of "things". I feel smothered by the outrageous consumption/purchase of things which has filled this house. Did we "shop" to fill our empty lives? So we didn't need to talk to each other? Deal with problems? Did we shop rather than separate or divorce?
Why do we have so much furniture? Why do we have 3 dozen champagne glasses and never have people here to drink champagne? Why six full sets of china and no dinner parties? Why 20 large vases and no flowers? Why 8 pairs of sweatpants? Why a dozen white linen shirts when one would be fabulous? Why 6 dozen white vee neck tee shirts? Yes! 72 of them.
I think I will start where I can. One large bag to Goodwill every week. Or one large box. I will slowly but surely empty this house of everything we have not used or touched in the past two years. Then I will get rid of things we haven't used in one year. And then work on the multiples. There is a huge Garage Sale at the neighborhood church. I could start there with a table rental. Sell my huge basket collection. Sell the teddy bears. Sell the bed quilts.
I need to go to rehab.
8 comments:
wow you could be channeling my thoughts.I must say though that a girl can't have too many white linen shirts. I live in them all summer long and have many. They age and feel like heaven on a blazing summer day. I'd keep them. Saying no to obligations is one of life's hardest challenges. The other day someone suggested keeping a brown paper bag in each room and as soon as you find something you don't need in it goes. That's my new thing. I could fill a bag every two days. What we really need is a dumpster. So many of us are feeling what you are-as I near 60, I am feeling more selfish every day. I want my life to be about me right now. It makes me feel guilty...sigh
I am a twin to a brother but you and Dee must be my triplet sisters. I have to much and need to declutter, get back into my arts, and improve my health.
Some days I wish the dogs lived elsewhere or maybe I should live elsewhere.
I have stayed in my life because of obligations too.
Can we go to rehab together?
Puppies are a huge amount of work. There were times when I thought our sweet Cody wouldn't see it past six months! Then, he got older and sweeter. He's now almost two and fits into our life perfectly. He keeps me active (our time is early morning and early evening walks). I wouldn't give him up for the world, but it wasn't easy at first. Hang in there; the rewards will be huge!
This is the cycle of life, yes? I don't suppose it's a coincidence that you've lost a bunch of weight and feel great, so you look for other things in your life that can go. That's good -- but challenging, I suppose.
I have found that Goodwill, among others, will gladly come to your house to pickup whatever you are donating, sparing you the hassle that often leaves bags & boxes stacked in the garage or other storage.
I miss reading, too, so I have started listening to books while I knit, sew and drive. It also helps to bring the blood pressure down.
I know what you mean about the possessions and feeling tied down. I need to de-clutter everywhere. But that one paragraph you wrote about champagne glasses and no champagne, vases and no flowers sounds like a great start for a poem or art quilt! I was beautifully written.
I will join you in rehab! ;)
"Another obligation is this huge house full of "things". I feel smothered by the outrageous consumption/purchase of things which has filled this house. Did we "shop" to fill our empty lives? So we didn't need to talk to each other? Deal with problems? Did we shop rather than separate or divorce?"
yes, I need some therapy, I love this in your post!
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