Winter Notes- Thursday, November 30th. The Sun is Shining. Low 40's.

 Would be fun to know how to make something like this.  Not as wide.  Minus the silver things. So...NOT like something like this image at all.  what was i thinking??????

Just finished my oatmeal and newspaper reading...Son just finished his LUNCH.  We are in Different Time Zones....laughing.  He used his FANCY Rice Cooker to make rice and made extra for me...for whenever I eat my own lunch....possibly around 4pm.  With frozen green peas that I nuke. Also soy sauce. His eyes rolled.... green peas and soy sauce.....yum???

I usually make it in my 50 plus year old sauce pan.  Wedding Gift.  Which just made him stare at me for a long time. Like we come from different Solar Systems. And we actually might. I've wondered.......since he was an infant......where did he come from.....when did he come from......

But the Rice Cooker was fascinating........I am so easily entertained.....at 77. I jumped up when it made this tiny epp!!! to say it was done.  Easy and perfectly cooked....just like my saucepan version.

We are considering major furniture moving....in the living room/dining room L shaped space.

He has an Apple desktop - MUCH newer but NOT brand new- that I could use for typing this.....seems like much to do about something that doesn't really matter......it's not like I am creating Art or doing page layout anymore.......he says it would be faster......gosh, anything is faster than I am...

Well, nothing is happening right now and I have stuff in the dryer that needs folding....till tomorrow!!!

Winter Notes- On a Chilly Wednesday Morning in Maine.

 What's Freezing Outside Today.  Everything.

The Sun is shining but not doing much to make things warm.   I am getting a bit worried about the oil in the garage tank....wondering when more will be delivered....I usually don't pay any attention. Suddenly I am paying, perhaps, too much attention.   Living inside my head too much.

Son and I polished off the Thanksgiving Food-- he is now wondering what he will have to eat the rest of the week.  I am wondering the same thing.  In fact, I stood in front of the freezer section of the fridge just looking and wondering.  There are things in there.......some even recognizable. But so much of that is really BIG and I haven't cooked Big Chunks of Meat in forever.

Now in the fridge itself there are two slices of Sunday's pizza.  Some baked beans. Some very very left over Soup which I will eat..... If I make some Mac and Cheese he will have that with the leftover beans. So Today might be okay....I'll worry about tomorrow- tomorrow.

I moved the Monkey's to my Shoe Closet. Previous owner of this house had a specific closet for her shoes. I am now housing Riley's precious stuffed squirrel toys, my expensive Gucci briefcase ( a gift from husband when I was elected Women's Club President decades ago) and several Coach Bags in that closet. And now the three Monkeys.  There is room in there for more "good" stuff...if I had any.

Even on my worst days--just looking in that closet and seeing Riley's stuffed toys....best medicine.

Winter Notes- Tuesday, November 28th- Colder but the Sun is Shining.

So  many things going on this morning already...  Seeds is the image for today.  The possibility of new beginnings....... Growth.

it's colder today than yesterday.....but the Sun is shining.  The Garbage cans were all empty this morning so my late evening job of packing, loading and hauling it all out to the street (in the dark) was successful.  I think that was the last of the folded "moving" boxes and wrapping paper rolls.  There is one tall wardrobe type box....I keep thinking that might come in handy in the Attic.   But son says that is "pack rat mentality".  We are still using two boxes to collect things for Goodwill... we have made three large trips so far.....

I never knew a person (my very own Son) could take such satisfaction in pointing out expiration dates.  Everything expires.  But now I am personally notified. Each time.  Fascinating. Because i will eat it anyway.

I gave son the paper directions- not the best-- and a link to the video and he folded ONE origami star.  And declared it the "most frustrating thing he has done" and refused to make any more.  I have it here on my desk leaning against the computer screen.  It is a delight. Perfect. (so is he but I will deny saying that)

BUT I got to hear Son's ..wow...when the parts slid into place and the star was "just there".  It really doesn't look like anything and then is suddenly a star.....  but one might be enough for me this year.

He did mention adding Japanese tape or other patterned paper to the inside and then having a more Nuanced Star.  I might just put some of those things on the table and see if a new star is born.?????

My cross the street neighbor is back home and son took over the bag of mail and catalogs that came while she was gone....I get to enjoy looking at the wares in some very fancy catalogs while collecting her mail. They had a chat....which was nice for both of them.  

Oh, we found husband's book of passwords....so we got into his iPad and iPhone. 

And this is the sort of "mysterious wonder" that happens......I was looking for the printed Origami Star instructions from Years Ago- in the mess on the desk to my left.....and there they were...a Notebook of Husband's Passwords and the Star Folding Instructions.   Like Magic. I forgot where I hid the book.....

We are now in the iPad and we have the right passwords for the iPhone contents which will probably become mine..as it's much newer than what I have... and we can send G's photos to daughter now. She wants them.

Son and I discussed some Future Thinking on Investments etc...... I listened but I am still not sure of what Social Security is going to decide to let me keep.....and Maine is an Expensive State......Heating Oil fluctuates as the Winter continues....getting more expensive.  And I (now we) have Snow Removal Costs.

Home Ownership is new to him....and the necessary work involved.....but 65 degrees seems to suit both of us during the day...so far....61 at night.   

I was treated to a Junior Whopper and small fries yesterday. I was asked where I might want to eat today.

Winter Notes- Monday, November 27th. Sunshine and 49 degrees.

 Would--Should have a piece of cloth and paint it like this..... Perhaps later this week?

I found two packages of red and white striped folded boxes in one of the boxes from the guest room chest of drawers...  I had to clean it out for son to use.- boxes just right for a few cookies for the neighbors and friends.  I took one out to see how difficult it might be to fold into a box shape- but it was pretty easy. I like to give the neighbors something for Christmas...  one year it was a set of potholders.  That I made.

It was a RE-learning experience for me....making the edge binding.  I had to find a tutorial.

The Hallmark Christmas Movies have started- and also the Lifetime ones...there are a few Lifetime ones that are not quite as naughty as Lifetime usually is....no one is kidnapped and locked in the basement.

I also want to check the stack of paper next to my left arm to see if there is the folded star pattern stuck in there for safe keeping....Safe Keeping around here isn't actually all that safe.

I stopped in at the Town Office to pay for husband's two ambulance rides....the clerk was just being nice but when she asked if I was now okay- I said it was husband who got to ride in the ambulances and he had passed...so...we both had tears in our eyes at that point.  I need to go to the bank and order checks with just (how I dislike that word) my name on them.... eventually, we'll add son's name to the checks.

It's such a nice day that he took his California sports car out for a ride with the top down.  And he's going to buy me a Junior Whopper and a small fry.....either I am looking really cute today or I am looking really pitiful... either one gets me a meal, I guess.   I did remember to get bobby pins....to contain my hair. Which is growing into a wild mess. Especially at the back of my neck and ears.

Winter Notes- with twenty minutes to spare- Sunday, November 26th.

 Hey... no picture as it's nearly midnight (or 11pm) I forgot to post..  I am watching the last few minutes of the new Hallmark Movie about an old movie being filmed at the Asheville  Mansion.  

We had Football Pizza and watched, I think three football games? (perhaps four)- and the Open Wheel Race this morning (recorded). My son keeps me busy on Sunday... we made the pizza together. Next Sunday we will change up the toppings.....sausage? mushrooms?  who knows.

 Monday is when we do errands.  Bills, Library, and Grocery Store....just like when G was here with me. I think he does this so I have something that feels the same...like normal. Monday night we put out the recycling and garbage.  And the packing boxes and packing paper.  Another normal thing.

I am trying to make a list for tomorrow so we don't forget things at the grocery store.  

I haven't been alone in almost 55 years and he has been alone since college..  So...it's very different for both of us. We give each other "space"... but come together to eat meals and cook and unpack boxes.

I need to start working on the list of Widow things to do.  It's a long list of things I am finding to be very very difficult.  Because I am not used to doing things.....I used to be very used to doing things...and then it all stopped when I stopped working and just lived inside this house and inside my head.  Not the healthiest way to grow old....

So, I feel very timid about doing things- afraid I will make mistakes. And I do make mistakes.

So..this is my Life right now....some days..it's too hard...other days, I am just fine. I am guessing this is the "process" of grieving. Of learning how to be alone. Even with people all around.

One of the blogs I read (Bee Creative??), had the origami style folded stars I made years ago......I need to find the instructions so I can make them..son is very good at origami folding.  He will help. Last time, I had to find printed instruction and each star---well, it didn't go well but in the end I had seven of them...made with yellow paper so they looked very nice on the Christmas tree.  The blog has video instructions and that isn't going to work for me...but perhaps I wrote down the video instructions last time?

Anyway, it's late and I need to go to bed....I'm tired. It's been a very long day. It's been a very long month.

Winter Notes- Saturday, November 25th. Sunshine and 29 degrees.

 No snow as yet here in Maine....in the Olden Days....we got tons of snow....but Global Warming canned all of that....now, not so much snow.... more rain.  Which means slushy snow and ICE OVERNIGHT.

Last Christmas is on Fox on repeat (or was yesterday).  It's a strange Brit Christmas Story that only makes sense if you stay till the very very end.  When you get the punch line and realize what the movie is really about. and then. wow.  

I watched BIG yesterday.  Daughter says the movie is A NO when it comes to sexual impropriety with a minor.  The guy is actually only 13.  Perhaps shouldn't be watched or on TV in her opinion having worked a  few child abuse cases... okay.....I can see her point- very clearly...

So now that I have Volume and can hear the dialogue I am going to watch  Last Christmas... having the volume back on the TV remote is just a miracle....I haven't had volume control in years.  A Miracle. I also got to see the end of Sixteen Candles....at some point I might watch the whole thing but the last 15 minutes is good enough.  Was that guy ever in any other movie???? Or just this one.

Daughter was here yesterday to play games with her brother....she must have brought a dozen of them...trying to find one or two that he might actually want to play.....they are going out to lunch today- the local Mexican place-   Here on the Home Front- the guy I gave G's very nice Leaf Blower to- is supposed to come blow the leaves off the grass with that Leaf Blower.  Last time he did the acorn crop.

My TiVo has about a dozen favorite Christmas Movies.....I've watched them every year since I recorded them.  Next up is the Christmas Shoes. I never actually get tired of them...but keep my eyes open to any new candidates on Hallmark every year......and I am often disappointed.

I mixed up a batch of yeasted waffle batter...Made a Mess.......didn't measure correctly etc....I am just getting senile.  No way around it......  I hope my daughter buys me a new desk calendar....for the correct year. (this time)....on this one I have to re-do the numbers so it matches to 2023.

Winter Notes- Friday, November 24th. Leftovers--so happy!!!!!

 I found this on Little Something blog....I do like the cheerful colors and the insects themselves.

We had a delightful dinner yesterday...a reheated cooked Turkey Breast half and all sorts of sides. Delicious.  Son is having a full plate of leftovers for lunch right now.....I just got up and just had breakfast so I'll have my plate in four hours, I guess.  I am glad I bought extra gravy mix.

I collected all the recycling and took it out to the garage.  Yesterday I rolled up used packing paper into bundles and cut open and flattened the remaining packing boxes.....ready for Monday Night.  Garbage and Re-cycling Night.  I needed SOMETHING to do.  Work.  I needed Work.

I might have a Leftover's Sandwich as described on the NYTimes post this morning.

It's very still outdoors- no wind...cloudy.  43 degrees.

You know I have nothing to say when I type the weather report.  Well, nothing is always so much better than having something sad to write about.  I am not sad.  I am doing okay....okay is good enough.

Winter Notes- Thursday the 23rd- Happy Thanksgiving.

 I was about to put the Sweet Potatoes in the oven...and realized it's too soon so came here to write my post.  We are having an abbreviated meal.  Just enough and not too much of anything...some leftovers. Daughter is eating with friends. And we forgot about pie so..no dessert.

It was cold and rained a lot yesterday but the Sun is shining today and it's still cold but not as bad. For the California Boy. He was bundled up when he went out to fill the bird feeders.

He has thermal shirts from his Dad's closet, fuzzy socks and Bean Boots...they have the same sized feet.  So he'll have plenty of warm stuff for his first Maine Winter.  The first one is the worst.

I also have a pair of husband's socks on today...he had a lot of socks. 

I think the sweater I have on was also his once upon a Time.  But it could also be a Goodwill Sweater.  I am also making a box to take to the Men's Shelter.  Clothing, underwear and socks if there are any left. I have a handful of still packaged toothbrushes from the dentist... I might purchase some disposable razors and deodorant and toothpaste.  I think they stumble in without much "hand luggage".

So that's it for today...Monday I will stop by the Town Office and pay what I owe for two Ambulance Rides.  There might STILL be a huge surprise set of bills from the hospitals ....but not yet.  And I need to find paperwork....it's like a huge rumble inside my head right now.....I know it will all find it's way to being done....but the getting there is not always easy.  But it gets done......I hope.

Winter Notes_ Cold Rain this morning. I slept till 11am

 Too Much......I might take a break from News.  Yesterday the Talking Heads were actually saying things I just don't want to think about......I'll do a Scarlett O'Hara.....and think about it tomorrow or never.

I woke up to Wet, Dark Skies outside....and it's cold. Dismal.  Perfect day for eating cookies and reading a good romance.

Son (SUN) perfected his Grilled Toasted Cheese Sandwich today....he uses mayo instead of butter. And got..today..a perfectly grilled sandwich.  And he had it with the "adjusted" Baked Beans.  I added stuff to the canned Baked Beans like I always did when he lived with me.....Like prior to being 16.

I slept late- very late.   And I am having a bit of trouble with the pad and keyboard and had to get help from the computer engineer.....but I can resume typing.  I was inserting the batteries incorrectly.  Backwards.  All the batteries seem to go at about the same time....on the mouse the pad and the keyboard.

I have gotten emails from so many of you telling horror stories of the COST of Assisted Living so I have decided to scratch that OFF my list of Future Possibilities..... I will hire a housekeeper who cooks.  Let him or her do the heavy lifting of keeping the house running....and me fed, clean and entertained.

Yesterday I entertained myself with catalogs for all sorts of wonderful stuff- even gourmet FOOD. Before leaving, my cross the street neighbor collected all the gift catalogs she had in her house and dropped them off....I mentioned I loved them.... finding them in her mailbox...I am collecting her mail while she is away. Well, my son is collecting mail as he is up before I am.

Son has gone for a car ride- to keep the battery charged.....He already ate so he won't be getting take out.

I had breakfast and ate three of the tiny chocolate shortbread dogs we found while cleaning out the pantry. Expired over a year ago....I still ate them... but the remainder of the ramen, rice noodles, canned green beans etc all went out to the compost pile....everything but meat or fat goes into the pile.  A Vegetarian Compost Pile...  Feeding the worms.  Now the rain will soften all of it....A Thanksgiving Feast.

I am still sorting the three boxes of assorted- so very assorted--stuff-- that it makes over two dozen separate piles- of stuff I kept.  Greeting Cards, jingle bells- bright red and shiny-so much stuff.  I love it all and can't seem to be able to talk myself into getting rid of it.  Some will be this year's Christmas Card. the rest...I just don't know....Son says , "if you don't know..then keep it".  He'll carry the boxes to the Attic....

We had been sorting fabric but gave up on that....I will never ,,,in this Lifetime use even 10 percent of the fabric....but whatever I give away will be what I need....it always works that way.

Winter Notes- Tuesday, November 21st. I am up early before 8am.

 The title of this image is Bitter Luck.  Dandelion.

So...for the first morning since.......I am up early.  I could go back to bed but I know I won't sleep anymore...  I must have reached my top limit on sleeping...the tank is full.

I'm wearing my warm red robe..... I turned the heat up...son did not sleep in his bed last night but his car is still in garage- so he hasn't "run away from home".   He must have spent the night on his couch upstairs.

The Garbage Trucks haven't come yet.....the street is quiet and the grass is frost covered...Winter has arrived.  Temps are 20's.  Yesterday was 30 degrees warmer.

My Master Gardening Partner sent an email....NYTimes has an article about Assisted Living places overcharging seniors etc....have any of you checked the monthly and annual cost of a place in Assisted Living????  It's actually Highway Robbery.  And difficult to hold on to staff to take care of the people who can't take care of themselves..... she says I need to read the article and STAY IN MY HOUSE.  I mentioned wanting to "swan about" in Luxury Senior Living.  She is shouting NO!!!

Monday Night Football was pretty good.  Kansas City didn't win. The crowd only did the War Chant once. I find them doing the chant- despicable.  This is my personal opinion.  Feel free to disagree.

Winter Notes- Monday, November 20th. Cold. Frost on the Grass and Leaves.

 What I keep this image for is the lamps....but every catalog I get tells me they do not come in flat black. And even though they look black in the image they are NOT black. They are Rusty copper.

Another catalog has the chairs I want....evenutally.

I want them for the openings the carpenters left in the wall behind the dining room (farm house kitchen) table.  I could buy them and spray paint them flat black....I could.

I am up and son is "possibly" awake?  today is Monday so Library and Groceries.  Tonight is "putting out the recycling and garbage"......the days have labels. Yesterday was Sunday so Football and Pizza.

Eventually, each weekday will have a label......and we'll chug along.

Winter Notes- Sunday, November 19th. Frost On the Lawn this morning. Open Wheel Race from Vegas.

 Pomegranate. Image, I think, from Grace.

So...frosty this morning...we recorded the open wheel racing in Vegas to watch this morning after breakfast.  Was pretty intense.....  Now we are waiting for Football and I am making pizza.  He says he likes to eat at noon.  I like to eat "whenever".....so there is that...

He is washing two loads of towels from his bathroom.... wants to know if I recall a local Barber Shop        I do not.

I had one of my grapefruit for breakfast...with the Sunday paper and my newest Gun and Garden Magazine.  Hunting Dogs.  I think I have one or two of them left and then I won't get this magazine anymore....in the beginning it had lovely essays and articles...even a recipe or two...but not anymore.  Though they did have a lovely assortment of Christmas jewelry (money clips) and leather goods. 

I sorted more of the "assorted" dresser stuff...Mostly paper goods, cards and Christmas stuff.  I found some "do it yourself" card making items...I need a glue stick and then I will have ten homemade cards.  They are actually meant for watercolor paints.  I had ambition at some point in time.

Speaking of ambition:  I did FIND the white linen with red cross stitch......a project started when my kids were still in high school and we were skiing (not me) in Switzerland.  I saw something like this in the guest house we were staying in and went into Town and bought linen and red embroidery thread and  copied the pattern from the cloth in the hall of the guest house. The owner saw what I was doing and told me she had made it and was just so moved that a guest would want to make one....it is still a lovely memory.....and I was happy to find the cloth...I am not sure of my eyesight for this project- with lots of thread counting....but I will give it my best..

Winter Notes- Saturday, November 18th. Chill in the Air and Raining.

 27 inches square.   I made it and sent it to him, I think, for his first job in California. It's from a book. I went to the bookcase to look for it but...it was too much for me to do- I am sort of on edge right now as we have been looking for passwords for husband's iPad.  He changed it all the time. Hoping that daughter remembers.  She's at work. 

She called and had some info on the iPad and she also remembered where the important paper we needed was....And it was there.  So son and I can climb down of the ROOF so to speak.

None of this could be helped...by the time any of us realized we needed to ask-- husband didn't have a clue and every time he forgot a password he made a new one...... And that was a year ago or more..... possibly even two or more years ago.  He was really good at faking it.

Anyway.   I was asked to go to lunch but I was still full from my late breakfast oatmeal.  So he ate here at home.  We are having Football Pizza for Sunday Football. Tomorrow.

He did write things down but never got rid of the old notes- so was confused...all the time.

 A Reader asked if we are thinking of selling the house----I guess we will when it's time for me to go into a managed living experience. Until then this will be his permanent address and he'll travel.....

We FOUND the Word search puzzle books....Been looking ALL over for the huge stash of them..... and now they are in the Goodwill Pile.  I have the contents of his bathroom cabinet drawers on my bed and need to sort all that mess out.......but first I am watching PBS and the Cooking Shows....

It's like Estate Planning Hide and Seek. 

Winter Notes- Friday, November 17th. I'm tired.

 Olle Bolle.

I'm in a dark and sad place today.  Corrected on everything I say or do.  I know it's difficult to be living in the same spaces with me and he does spend a large percentage of his day away or up in the space upstairs. Where he has his electronics.  His large screen tv.  His Life.  I never bother him while he is up there.

We eat at different times.  Ships passing in the night.  Very much like my marriage.

I spend my days as I usually do...but I guess I am doing it all wrong.

He has been invited to spend the day with his sister- they are going to have lunch together...talk.

I am here doing laundry, changing the sheets on my bed.  Thinking I want to buy new pillows and pillow protectors from Cuddledown. (just up the road a bit, in Freeport).  G was a very "oily" person and his pillows and cases are stained yellow.  And they feel greasy no matter how I wash them... I want to replace them. But I need transportation...unless I call them and have the times sent.  From one small town to the one next door....sounds ridiculous.

I finished Jane and Edward.  I will buy the book for my collection.  I ordered a copy of Jane Eyre from the library to read that and see what I think....  I have reheated my coffee three or four times- I am going to toss it and start over......watch MSNBC even though son asks me NOT to.  He watches no news. Perhaps there is a Hallmark Movie????  I am exhausted.  Emotionally exhausted.  I'd like to be able to stop crying.

Winter Notes - Thursday, November 16th Supposed to be sunshine and 58 degrees here in Maine.

 Perhaps what my son is having for Lunch today....He leaves and drives away to somewhere and has lunch- a couple times a week.  It's what I think he did in Silicon Valley.  And "feels" normal. And that's good---he needs to find a new normal in a strange new place.....

He unpacked three boxes.  This morning. His dishes.  Glassware.  I made places for them to go. In the cupboards.....we also have more for Goodwill. His and my stuff going to Goodwill.

I feel normal sitting on the couch with cough drops, hot tea and a book.  I have a cough....Productive.  Which I think is a "good thing".   I am getting a very good night's sleep.. every night. I was not getting much sleep "before".  So this is recuperative sleep.  I am still not eating regular meals....I did have a pear yesterday and it was delicious. I enjoyed eating it. Later I had a bowl of homemade vegetable soup. 

Social Security wrote me a letter.  Now I know how much I will be getting next month. How much I owe them for last month.  Which they took out of next month.  We still might need to make a phone call.  I just have no clue regarding the month after all this..

My husband has five watches in the top dresser drawer.....what do I do with them??  He also had a wooden box filled with pens that didn't work...one was Mont Blanc... possible mine?  It needs a refill.

So that is how randomly things are being processed here.... I think it's fairly normal....the way it's going. confusing, disorienting, emotional, exhausting........well, I need a hot sweet cup of tea and my book. Until tomorrow.....Joanne.

Winter Notes...Wednesday, November 15th. Sunshine and 36 degrees.

 So..here we are in mid November.  Cold here in Maine.  The water in the birdbath is frozen solid. I go out with the teapot of boiling water and thaw it...for the birds...but it doesn't stay liquid long.....

Social Security letter- they have taken care of it all (no phone call or office visit)... they overpaid in October as the "check was on it's way" when he died.  Sorting it all out.....I can live on the amount they have settled on me.  And really.. that's good enough.

I do have work to do at the bank. It hasn't even been a full month.....I think about that. 

It hasn't been a month.  Yet.

So much has happened...so much has changed and will never ..never be the same. Some mornings I wake up and just start crying......Mostly about his pain and suffering those last days....and fear.  He was afraid. And nothing we could say or do made him any less afraid.  But we tried.  We did our best.

So...each day now is just getting thru..until it feels normal....until it feels like my Life again.

I know some of you reading this have traveled down this path already and I remember how it was....so I know it won't be easy or fast but....you all made it, so......I will eventually.. be myself again.

Or some modification of myself....perhaps (I hope) a better version. 

When someone close to you dies (my father years ago)..you change.  I did. And that change never feels real at first but you grown into it.  Some changes are positive and some negative. I am going to be more aware of the negative ones this time around......and try and avoid them or dilute them.  I would rather have no regrets at the end of my life.....no fear.  Well, I can hope that happens.

Winter Notes- Tuesday November 14th. Furnace is running...I have checked breakfast off the to do list.

 Susan Stover.  

So much like things I draw in my journal.  Things I think about making.  It's like the cosmos made into a board game.  Or more likely these days made into a computer game.

The Garbage Truck just picked up the huge container of recycling......the box in the dining room is now empty and we can cut and fold it.....I will be putting out boxes and paper next week... setting myself small goals.

I might make an appointment to get my hair cut....or I might not....I was considering letting it grow just long enough to be gathered together at the back or top of my head. Out of the way.  A friend said it looked better longer than it ever did so short and close to my head.....truth.

I left the garage door open all night.  Accidentally... No wonder it was so cold in here yesterday. Son reminded me.  I have a list of stuff I am supposed to be doing..... I am at that point in the grieving process of wanting to just sleep. But I am not a good sleeper.....so that isn't what I can actually do for myself...

The furnace seems so loud this morning.  In here.  In other rooms you hardly hear it.

Well, I am going to find something to do......and do it. And then find another thing to do.....on an on. Thank you for the emails and all, dear friends....and to Bev who is going thru the same things I am going thru.....I gave shaving my head 5 minutes of thought, Bev.....laughing --which was so odd I had to remind myself laughing was okay........laughing is okay.

Winter Notes- Monday , November 13th. Can't motivate myself.

 Green Bean Casserole is one of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving.  Last year I made all the sides and ate the same dinner all week.  Husband refused to eat any of it....he was that way so much of the time.  Back then.  A year ago.

It took so much out of me.....I don't know if I will ever be myself again.  I feel like a stranger to myself.

Nothing can be done- what is past is past.  I need to keep telling myself to "let go" of it all.  Move on. But I am moving on in deep sticky mud these days.... and I can't actually get anything done....I can't think.

We watched all the football yesterday...son with laptop which he kept reading..  the games weren't all the interesting and I was more focused on mending the newly worn out places on the elbows of that red cardigan.  Which these days is 40% mending.  I'm wearing sweater from deep in my closet- one that isn't "cotton".  Why do I have cotton sweaters?  what was I thinking????? They all need to go to Goodwill.

Today I need to get the recycling and garbage organized to put out after dark- which here in Maine is 4 pm.  I have a lot of recycling. A lot.  Which is a good thing.

I dumped a bunch of compostables in the fridge into the compost bins.....fruits, vegetables...that sort of thing.  I am not really cooking or eating... I made a fresh pot of soup and ate some the day I made it and haven't since.   I should...eat some today.  I should.

Son is having lunch now....then Library and Grocery Store.  Like "usual" he says......sigh. It is so not usual.  I was thinking before bed last night....I will be 80 in three years. Eighty.  Just thinking about that slammed me into a wall- HARD.  What would I do, even now, without him here?????

Winter Notes- even if it's warm, sunny and not a bit Wintery. Sunday, November 12th

 So....nothing new here.  Each day seems like all the others of my 77 years.....quiet.  Solitude. Son keeps to himself upstairs....comes down every so often to eat or get the car keys and go find lunch.... He has gotten into the habit, living alone, of eating out every other day..at least that's how it looks to me.

Reminding me of his father... habits learned working "on the road" so to speak for years  and years. The Hummel figurine I bought for husband in Germany was Traveling Man.  The little guy had his suitcase and an umbrella and was walking..... always walking. Away.

The little Hummel I bought for me was a little girl on a stool sewing with a cat by her feet.  Waiting?

I have my moments...getting thru the emotions of this new existence.  Not many.  I've actually been living alone for most of my 77 years....so how is this really any different? It's not.  There is just paperwork...I haven't even begun the process of the paperwork.......starting with Social Security. 

This is when I wish I had a STAFF.  People I could hand things off to and they would do the running around........I made an appointment to have my eyes examined.....and that's been it.

Even reading...isn't as wonderful right now...but it could just be my choice of reading matter...

I did a load of laundry...most of it from husband's closet clean out....Stuff I might wear. A flannel robe.  A sweater.  Now....Oatmeal or Toast for breakfast?

Winter Notes- Saturday, November 11. Sunshine and warmer today

 images from tumbler- Jane Cornwell

I have aways liked this artist's work.  Somehow I fell into the same stuff from years ago...onTumbler and never managed to get to anything New while visiting yesterday..

My cough is getting slightly less obnoxious...taking a mucus deterrent. expired. Hiding the box from son.

I did finish Jude Devereaux book last night before bed.  I had read it before and I might even have enjoyed it more a few years ago.....I haven't selected a book for today as yet.....I need to get back to a book a day. Keeps me off the streets and out of trouble. Pistachios for snack.

I made an appointment to have my eyes examined.....in April.  My regular doctor has retired....I will be seeing someone I don't know at an office I have never been to etc......welcome to Health Care in Maine. Oh, and NO NEW PATIENTS so I could not get son in for an eye exam.  How do they do business with no new patients?????

I see my regular general practitioner in January.  New office, been there once.....I'm a new patient.

I wish things were same same....but I guess that is NOT the Way Life Is Anymore.

I'm thinking of getting some "bobbie pins" and using them to keep my hair from BLOWING UP as the day goes past.....I start out wetting it and combing it into submission but.....natural forces blow it up pretty damn fast.  Makes me look like a serious wack job.  Looney Tunes.  If I let it grow-  the weight will do quite a bit to tame it all......but Old Woman with Wild White Hair is not a look I was wanting. Rock On.

Winter Notes- Friday, November 10th. Snow has melted but it's cold outside.

 It's cold and it's a Soup Day as far as I am concerned.

Son is thrilled with the Fiber Optics- I might have it wrong but he is spending more time up in his Den than down here so I think it's all working up there.....computer -wise.  He also has games he plays on the big screen tv.  Boy stuff.

Daughter was here and put in the sticks that ID where the driveway and sidewalks are- when covered in Snow so our "new to us guy" who will plow and shovel can find them.  As a side treat- the sticks are made of fiberglass and daughter wasn't wearing gloves.....so I helped her get the fiberglass threads out of her hands....it took awhile.  Packing tape applied and then rapidly torn off to the rescue. Gloves next time.

Because ...just doing something is always more complicated than we think it will be.

I finished the book I had started- days ago....read until past midnight....then slept....I can't even express how wonderful it is to sleep all night....no interruptions.  Husband -never could sleep thru the night since mid September.  Was always getting up and falling....2am etc...and at the very end- son and I were up most nights.....like all the time.  So...sleeping all night....I can't get enough of it.

It's cold and dark at 10:48.   Sidewalks are wet.  I am going to choose a new book for today.  Library or bookcase....not sure yet where I will be choosing.  Yet.

Winter Notes. Thursday, November 9th and it's trying to snow here in Maine.

 Something a bit weird.....

I did FINALLY make another pot of the NYT's Soup I wrote about a few weeks ago or last week- Time is moving in a strange way right now (backwards, forward and not at all).....  Different Soup as I had more vegetables this time and some Broccoli Rabe...bitter greens which added another note to the soup.... I spilled some on the stove and then got to scrub and scrub and clean the two dirty (oh so dirty) front burners.

My plan going forward is to buy a NEW stove....I know...WILD and CRAZY!!!!  Rather than clean it. 

Now I am laughing..........

The Cyber Optics Installer was SO adorable....I can say that without shame as I am Very Very Old- Grandmother Old. He has also just moved here from California so he and son had the same thoughts regarding the cold and snow this morning (now slush and wet puddles)...son is wearing his father's Bean Boots but needs new shoe strings.  The installer "made sure" not to disturb the aluminum foil tent I have on top of the router from Comcast. To help it work.( it does!!!) And son still had a signal when I reheated my coffee in the microwave- that usually shut things DOWN.  Run on same bandwidth, who knew ???? Not me.

We are getting a new microwave. (Sigh)

I watched a few more Hallmark Christmas Movies- they have them running ALL DAY so grab a nice cozy blanket, make a cup of hot chocolate and if Dee had gone forward with Hallmark Bingo Cards (would have been HUGE BEST SELLER) you could have added buttons to "meet cute". "hot chocolate". "snow storm driving delays". "buying a Christmas Tree" etc etc.  Oh and the ever-present "Misunderstanding...."

Field Notes- Wednesday, November 8th. Chilly and colder than usual.

No photo as Google says no..unless I allow Cookies.... Now they want me to sign in...I have not signed in in ...well, ever, so who knows.

So, I guess NO more images.   

I made a second pot of vegetable soup using the NYT's recipe as sort of an outline.  I am boiling some very small pasta to add to the soup when I eat it. 

We picked up Husband's ashes today...I set the container in the chair on the Sunporch and he got to enjoy a sunny warm morning and afternoon- I have to go get him and bring him in.

I am making another pot of the NYT Vegetable Soup.  And boiling water for small pasta to add to the soup.  And that is it-- been watching Hallmark Christmas Movies.....the two I watched were pretty decent.

Son says he didn't do ANYTHING......

Well, I have offended friend Patty and now Google....I am guessing my work here is done?

Way Out In the Field Notes- Tuesday, November 7th. Some of this and that today.

 You might have already had this image--- bit of a Slushy Brain Day today.  For ME. Backyard is covered in leaves.

Son has misplaced some documents and is looking for them....trying to make a memory map of the day the men were packing his belongings.....to figure out where the items might be. Stressful.

I forgot to buy mouthwash at the grocery store yesterday.  And the only diced tomatoes I have (for my NYT's SOUP) are in a very large can....so I will need to safely store them for the next pot of soup.  Perhaps freeze? Certainly refrigerate.  Son is on the Food Safety Alert System. 24/7. He has the impression I am not doing my best with food safety.   I might even agree with him.

The Ashes are ready for pick up.... I decided today was "too soon" so we are stopping by tomorrow... which also may be "too soon". I remember picking up Riley's ashes and they smelled like him and made me cry all the way home.

Trump gave me some vicarious something yesterday.....his IQ must be in the double digits. I don't think bragging about how much you over valued your property is a "good thing" if they already know, in court, that it was illegal. And who was the doll faced woman seated next to him?  Proof women like him???? Did she ever speak???

We watched a very very strange football game last night....wow. One sided and mean spirited.

Oh, my BIG NEWS was the Garbage Team Members took EVERYTHING........ and that is saying something as they don't always do that.......moving boxes and moving paper.......folded and neatly presented to them...GONE.  A very Happy Note for today.

And I think I have lost and found the pattern pieces for the upholstery of a chair I bought for 2 dollars many years ago......my dad re-webbed the springs and made the chair like new....I just needed to do the re-upholstery on it with some very very nice 1940's curtain fabric.  Sturdy stuff..... I now have the pieces in a bag in the coat closet.  Less likely to toss something living in a BAG.  Third time saved is a charm of some sort.....or my dad is working hard to remind me from the great beyond.

Way Out in Left Field Notes- Monday, November 6th.

 New York Times Easiest Chicken Soup..

Calls for ground chicken which I don't have....and NOT really a FAN of chicken soup.  He was.

Son and I did grocery shopping together. (a first)...I got the things I wanted and he added a few things.  I now have the components for another pot of the Vegetable Bean Soup.....I enjoy having the big jar in the fridge and a meal just a few minutes away (in the microwave)... I also admit to enjoying the peeling and chopping of vegetables.  I got potatoes, celery, carrots, Broccolini, green beans fresh and the rest of the vegetables in the freezer case or the store shelves.  More tiny pasta.  More stock.  I was thinking two cartons of stock but...didn't.  I could regret that as the week goes by.  But I also have what it takes to make Stanley Tucci's Mom's Easy Vegetable Pasta.  Which I like very very much.  I also have six Noosa Yogurts....and plenty of Bran Buds. I eat those two things together.  Very filling.

I called Atlantic Motor Car and now need to call AAA to have the Honda Fit towed to them for repairs. Son wants to drive it and not the big Jeep.  Making one cold call was fine- two is sort of putting me over the edge.....I might need a script for a mild tranquilizer going forward.

My Project for TODAY is to assemble the garbage and recycling for movement to the curb this evening. If I try for morning I never seem to get there soon enough.  My Second Project is to READ. Three is a Nap.

Two of the books I selected have "bombed" and that was a disappointment. But there are plenty on my own bookshelves......to keep me entertained.  Any of you have a favorite recipe I might find...easy and delicious?  son is wanting me to make Mac and Cheese and Baked Beans....A family favorite of his. I might do that today.  Let soup wait a day.......Cloudy with a chance of something today.

Lost In the Field Notes--- Wandering.......Taking advantage of NOT KNOWING what comes next.

 Not this pie- A Maine Blueberry Pie from May's Bakery in Bath.  From the newest neighbor on my street- Next door.  She had seen the ambulances over the weeks coming and going.... We had a nice chat..getting to know each other.  They moved here from San Diego.  I thought they were from Colorado.

I got the full picture of the Horrors of what went on with the house restoration...remember me crabbing about the 7am wake up each morning with pounding hammers and nail guns?  It was way worse than that.

And while we were talking...the doorbell and son had a lovely informative chat with the Fiber Optics  salesperson.  This is what he needs to be happy here in Backwoods Maine.... Fiber Optics.  Okay. I think this is part of the Biden tech infrastructure bill for states that have no infrastructure.  Maine. Has zero.

I watched a Hallmark Christmas Movie.. son shuttered and left the room. He wonders about the genetics of our relationship.....which always makes me laugh.  I REALLY AM HIS Mother. 

I forgave him long ago for vomiting all over me several times each day....for months, maybe even years.

I had the last of the NYT Soup for supper and plan to make more after our grocery shopping tomorrow.  I have a long list of things we need. My Lunch Buddy made the NYT soup with beef broth instead of chicken- it's what she had.....and she didn't have green beans....neither did I.....I had the remains of several assorted bags of frozen vegetables and used them all.....I liked the potatoes but my Lunch buddy does NOT like potatoes of any kind she added beans. I also added beans.

I keep thinking it's Monday....but it wasn't Monday yesterday and it isn't Monday today.

It's been a week...since..... seven days......and it feels like LONGER.......but how can that be?

Field Notes- Better Late than Never- November 4th.

 I did NOT do any Fall Planting.....I did empty the four ornamental (spring/summer) containers and emptied the re-usable (forever) soil in them and stored it in the big garbage cans we use for that......  I moved three of the containers (empty) myself but asked for help with the fourth which husband built.....Son and I  lifted it onto the wagon and took it back to the shed.

I wasted so much TIME looking for the sifter but could NOT find it.  Unsifted soil for the win.

I feel like I was USEFUL.  Then a long hot shower to get all the dirt off myself.

I started the day with oatmeal and a stack bills needing to be paid.  Not my favorite activity,

I had a lovely lunch- (hours) yesterday- with my Lunch Buddy and there was wine and dessert. And then the Library where I selected four books..... then home.

I am keeping busy and usually cry in the shower.  But not every time. Hopefully.

Well, I have socks I need to put on my cold feet and some lunch to assemble for myself @ 14:32.....some of the NYT's Vegetable Soup I think...it's real good.  I plan on making it again....as I am going to the grocery store on Monday.....and shopping for vegetables and a carton of stock.  And remembering to put out the vast amount of recycling and garbage I forgot last Monday...( I never gave it a thought)  

Could it almost be a week?????  This is so hard....

Field Notes- Friday, November 3rd. Sunshine. Fall leaves are glowing.

 Raking Leaves.  Not me.

So Library and Lunch Buddy Lunch.   Getting out of the house. @ 11:30

It's quiet here.  After having people in and out...now we are just son and I.  Trying not to irritate each other.  It's not bad but he hasn't been "mothered" in over 30 years.....and I haven't been Observed in my Natural Habitat for 30 years as well.  Equality in Irritation.

He is happy to have solved the Garage Door Opener Mystery by buying a replacement. We should find the missing one any second now.

I look at the calendar and the short number of days--since--shocks me each time I count it off.  Such a short number and yet it feels like weeks and months ago. ...that he died.... and it's only 4 days.

Neighbors are quiet.....in shock I think.  I might be as well.

I am still sorting things in containers from the Attic.  Mostly cloth and finished and unfinished quilts. I am doing a very "on and off" repair to a very old quilt....I can't recall how it came to be in my house but I like it. Some of the fabrics have rotted away.  Those are the thin strips I am replacing- hand sewing new strips to the surface.  New fabrics and new colors.....I tried to match but it was impossible.  But with so many fabrics and so MANY repairs- hard to notice any real changes.

I finally finished the book I started on Monday.  I can't seem to concentrate....I read and then I stare into space and then read again.  Considering the number of years I might be doing all of this without him.

 

Field Notes- Thursday, November 2nd. Sunshine but very cold here in Maine. Water in the Birdbath is frozen.

 This happens all the time here......Squirrels v the Birdfeeders.

Well, I had to look at the calendar and count off and it's only been THREE DAYS and yet, it feels like a LIFETIME AGO.  Time Moving and Time Stopping.   I had to call as I will be needing more Certificates of Death for all the accounts I have to notify etc.

I also forgot to turn the heat up....it's very cold in the house right now. but the heat is retuning as I type.

I took a long hot shower this morning- mostly to contain my hair- it had gotten pretty wild.  Been awhile since I got a haircut also.  But Patty liked it better longer and not so short.....usually my Summer cut is very short...so I can duck under the faucet in the kitchen sink and rinse off.....

Son cooked Tater Tots in my new tiny Air Fryer.  They were very very nice.  Crispy. We had them with some locally made Pulled Pork.  I added Ranch Dressing to my plate.

I still have books to read.....and even though I just got up- I feel like a nap would be a good thing.... and I do have checks to write for bills....there is stuff to do.....eventually.  Life is sort of in slow motion right now....giving me a chance to rest and then, when I am ready, catch up.

It all seems like a dream....like I will wake up and it hasn't happened.

Notes from Maine Wednesday, November 1st

 Well, Here we are...the New Reality.  I don't actually "feel" anything.  Yet.  Processing.

I sorted cloth today- Son brought down a few tubs and I went thru and kept or let go...

I had some vegetable soup for lunch and later today we are having Pulled Pork and what ever we find in the fridge.  I had expected neighbors to bring food...they did not.  One friend from the Library brought us fresh apple cider which son had with his lunch and said was "very good".

Son spend SOME TIME looking for the garage door opener for the side of the garage not holding my useless Fit.  We cannot find it.  He will have to buy a new one....and program it.

My friend Patty the RN took me out for dinner yesterday and we had wine, food and dessert. It was good.

We didn't have the porch light on so no-one came Trick or Treating.

It's cold in the house.....his California self is getting used to it...but my hands are cold as well.  We did the local newspaper word Search Puzzle together....and sent it in under husband's name....would be shocked if we win.  Husband did the puzzle each and every month and won a few little prizes.

I am going to settle in on the couch- I have about one hour to watch MSNBC before he comes in and makes me turn it off.....he has taken all the homeopathic medicines and tossed them....like I can't get them back out of the trash can..I can.  Why do my adult children think I am unable to make informed decisions?

I missed Garbage Day....so things are piling up around here.  I did miss that one.......