Sunday, June 29, 2008

How Much More Will Change?

For many, many years I had beautifully manicured nails with dark red polish. As you can see that is not true now. I stopped having the polish added a few weeks ago as it was only covering up the dirt embedded in my nails. I'm all about "clean". So I tried a simple route of just gel and no polish. The dirt still found it's way into the edges of the gel. So this weekend the nails have come off and the dirt has been scrubbed out as best it can be on gardener's nails. Ugly is a pretty accurate descriptor.

How many more things will be changing? When I began the one year "healthy eating plan" I had no idea how it would affect so many other aspects of my life. 18 months later I am described as "fit". And that's when people hear my voice and realize the person they are talking to is "me". Unrecognizable.

I spent a few hours, yesterday, in my studio (I decided to stop calling it a workroom) and sewed seams in the two sleeveless cotton shirts I own (XL) to make them fit the new me. I then did some stitching on a piece I made months ago (it seems like years) and made a new small piece because I wanted to continue working. It felt good to be there, working, finally.

The booksale. Not as much "ZEN" for me this year. Has this also run it's course? I did the work and the tables looked exactly like they do every year. Neat, orderly and calm. I don't "need" it as much anymore. My life, itself, is neat, orderly, calm. I even spoke of wanting my greenhouse co workers to be working along side rather than the volunteers. On Friday, I was happy to be back to work even if it was humid, sun soaked and dirty.

My garden. To be perfectly honest, I write about my garden but I am rarely, if ever, actually in my own garden. I do weed, rearrange and plant. But the daily upkeep is left to G. And this week I brought home two new "crops", celery and lettuce. I hope we have room. The problem, for me, is mosquitos. We live on the edges of two swampy properties. Neither neighbor shows any inclination to remove 50% of the trees on their properties to increase wind flow and decrease mosquitos. So summer time living means staying in the house. Or being bitten. My B vitamins and Listerine spray have cut down on the number of bites per minute, but still, we have bites per minute. What would it be like to live somewhere else?

My home. I like it less and more. I wish it were clean, simple and calm. But it is messy, cluttered and busy. Dog hair and toys. Piles of books and papers. Laundry. Shirts to iron. Art supplies. Recycling in a big bucket. Compost in a bucket. Little heaps of things from my pockets at the end of each day. Little heaps from G's pockets. But I love my shower, my white towels, my cozy couches and my four poster bed and I love to sit on the back stoop and look at my garden (for a few minutes). I have been visualizing a smaller house. Less.

When we lived in St Charles, Il, I loved driving up to my house each day. I loved how it looked. That used to be true of this house but not anymore. Something is "off". The house color, lack of shutters, door color or garden beds. I don't quite know what it is but I know that no one would envy me this house today. They did in years past. What has changed? The house across from us was never anything to notice, but now it looks fantastic. Like a magazine layout. There's a little table (with potted flowers) and chairs out on a small stone terrace. So lovely. What went wrong here?

Have we stayed too long in one place?

Right now my life feels like a long string of dominos. Knock one over and the next one falls, then the next, until all the dominos have fallen. Each time I make a choice or a change, something falls away, giving me a fresh look at my self, my life, my home, my town, my world. Until the next "domino" falls. Today, clean, but ugly nails.


Exuberantcolor/Wanda S Hanson said...

I'm with you on the dirty nails. I always promise myself I will slip on my gardening gloves before I pull weeds or plant things, and it is always just before I am going to go somewhere where clean hands would look nicer that I decide to pull a few weeds.

The book sale, a little more letting go of your past life. You are more confident now and have other interests.

I am a mosquito magnet too. They are thick in my shade garden even without any water nearby. I only go out for 15 minute intervals for weed pulling.

You just need to pretend you are house hunting and drive up to your house and analyze what is wrong with it. Look at through a buyer's eyes.

Samantha said...

I think it may be the color. The green color always felt right to me. Now I drive up and it's jarring, not right.