Field Notes- October 20th- Forecast of two days of RAIN. Colder temps here in Maine.

 This looks really good.....I have tried to eat...some or more than usual.  It's hard work. Yesterday I ate too much (McDonald's French Fries) and paid the price.  I will be more careful today.

Son and I are sharing duties now- he observed for a few days but now feels comfortable on his own as caregiver.  Giving me time to sleep or just stare at the walls or out the windows..   I discovered a few expired things in the fridge and emptied the containers etc....then I had some toast. I may return and wash some of the glass shelves.  Son's pots and pans etc have already arrived in Maine....two containers... he is trying to empty the big second floor room- was happy to find a central vac outlet up there- that second floor will be his living space.  But the bathroom up there is not nice- needs to be improved- so he will have sole use of the hall bath....I will have sole use of the Master bath.  We will share the washer dryer in the bath closet.

 Care taking is sort of like walking in fog or a cloud..... direction is impossible to determine.

Son is doing laundry in my new machine.  The first time I did laundry in that machine I was on edge hoping it actually worked.....

That food in the image is looking pretty good to me today. But I need to move slowly.......

I finished reading a good book with Trans characters.  Their pronouns do not define them.

I have three or four books waiting for pick up at the Library- Nancy will get them on one of her visits to Town--no hurry as my personal bookcase is well stocked.  

Son and I have discovered that neither of us has any interest in driving G's Big Jeep.  So we are considering trading it in for something smaller.....a Volvo.  With all the flashing, dinging safety features etc. Volvo actually stop (when anticipating danger) without consulting you.... the driver.  We will either get the Honda Fit road ready and sell it or .....donate it to some cause as is....I feel very comfortable with these decisions.  I doubt I will ever drive a car again..but could surprise myself... 

I am trying to find a way to transfer my large portfolio of Canning Jars etc to a good home. This would open up a significant amount of space for son's cookware. I do not wan to set the jars out for the Garbage/Recycling collectors.  any ideas?

Field Notes- Thursday, October 19th. Sunny with a chill in the air.

 There is a bit of this....coffee and looking out the window. At the leaves changing color. I did not draw this...I still can't transfer pictures to the computer and then to the blog.... I was also shocked to learn that TiVo is more likely than not- going out of business. So getting a New One is sort of not going to happen. son suggested Amazon Prime.  They have lots of Public TV stuff I generally like.  But I like recording stuff....which is why I liked TiVo.

I was up a few times in the night and early today...diaper changes.  Wanting water...his mouth is very dry. I did get pulp free orange juice down him....yogurt is about as solid as his food gets......I am tired.

Finished my oatmeal and coffee...son is upstairs clearing out the old sewing room- from the Way Back Years of Quilting...he arrived yesterday afternoon.....After living alone for 30 years ..this is uncomfortable I think.... so many people (3) and so much emotional baggage to deal with.

I got away for a bit and raked yellow Maple leaves off the driveway.... his two-seater sports car is parked by the garage doors.  Away from the oak trees dropping acorns 24/7.

Son and I managed breakfast and moving husband around.  I don't think he knows who the NEW tall guy is- I think HE thinks he's Hospice. In fact, he asked me who this guy was.....but then it's been awhile since we saw our son in person.....this is heartbreaking and I guess we should have expected it but husband had been talking about his son coming.......and he arrives and his father doesn't know who he is. Add this to the Long Goodbye.  The nurse- when she visits..asks him who I am.. he looks and thinks......

Son's things are arriving in 2 or 3 weeks but could surprise us  (arrive sooner) so he is busy clearing out the room where his stuff will be unloaded.  We are making a Goodwill pile.  He put the rugs back down on the floors...daughter might not be happy......he'll take the flack.  I like this about him...willing to take the flack.  He say he was comfortable and slept well last night....I slept on the couch again and was up a few times to change diapers at 2 am and 6 am.  Husband has little to zero muscle strength in arms and legs...so can't really assist.  Son helped with the 6 am lifting.  

Field Notes- It's Wednesday Morning. I have been up and dressed since 8.

 I love this...old denim scraps to cover a chair.

So.....he fell asleep after the Aide gave him a bed bath at 1:30 yesterday....and he hasn't been awake since.  I did get him to drink something and take his evening pills.  He did not wake me- by trying to get out of bed at 3 am and then again at 5 am....I woke up on my own and checked him....asleep.

He is breathing..I checked.

People are calling- just now a social worker.  The aide is coming at 1:30.

This day is not like any of the other days...I now sort of miss the other days...... he is usually in a great mood with the Aide who bathes him and gets him nicely settled into bed with clean clothes etc.....

I slept all night.  Which is new.....I am NOT used to it.....being rested.. I need to eat.  I need to walk to the street box and get the newspaper.....I need to eat breakfast.......the day has begun in a very new way....and I have no idea what to expect.....

Quiet Notes----Written on Monday for Tuesday's post.

 Brown Paper Packages Wrapped Up With String...... these are a few of my favorite things....

You all are some of my favorite things .......

The Aide and the Nurse showed up today.....and made a list of what I need...and a few hours later a big truck pulled into the driveway- actually more traffic in a few days than the driveway has had in many many YEARS ........and that truck dropped off a box that actually held everything the nurse said I needed.  New diapers.  Wicking thing for pee.  A new tub for the daily "bath" etc etc.   

Daughter left with a list for grocery shopping. I bought things I wanted husband to eat...he said no. To everything- just sleep.  Not even water...he was asking for water pretty often until today.

He did pee. Kidneys still working.

The Chaplin (spelling) called, a very nice woman.  She wanted to visit us tomorrow....I told her he has been sleeping all day...(and he had also invited an Accordion Player to visit.)  Though the Accordion person had not called as yet....she was laughing.  I was laughing.  It was pretty weird and funny.  I said perhaps next week.. or perhaps even sooner if this timeline is really a race......to the finish line...

He has been awake only for a few minutes at a time since they all left.  He did look at the bird feeder daughter put up for him to observe but only for a moment and then was asleep.

Daughter brought a retired guy to look and think HOW he might add a railing to my front steps...for Winter when the steps get slippery with ice.  Neighbor has a guy coming to work on her house (and mine) and I am thinking the bottoms of the porch columns look like they might be rotting...so might need work. We'll see...

I am going online to order some books...I have a few yet but need to be thinking ahead...

I know you want to ask-- I am exhausted.  I am not eating as I should be eating...I am sleeping at night but wake up after hours of sleep and am still as tired as I was when I climbed in bed.  I second guess myself all day..sure that I have missed something. Everything. My favorite part of the day is when I put a disc in the player and we listen to music......beautiful music.  This is my gift to man in the bed--music. Beautiful music.  Music to help him dream..........

Field Notes- Monday October 16th. Chilly Weather.

 Some Art- but I can't find a note on the artist.  Gotten from Little Something and she always has the names. Go there and scroll down till you find the name.  So many artists are using a bound notebook to paint in...I like the idea of it...like a daily painting or scribble.  Not on the calendar under the keyboard (how I do it).

Nurse visit today..our first.  Meds coming by mail on the slow boat.....things he might need. To mellow out. As they say???? How would I know????  Nursing Aide was also here to bathe and change his clothes- five days a week.... I was told to take my shower and do stuff like that while she or he is here... Me stuff. 45 minutes of Me Stuff.  Use it or loose it.  I have had a great shower. I could also run out to Library or Grocery if  I was driving........if the car was in working order.

New things which are not Depends. Easier to put on. And take off. Coming in mail or Fedex. Finally Fedex stopping at my house....wow.

I took my shower before they arrived----I'll do better next time.  I do need socks my feet are so cold.

My Shopping List has gone out into the World with daughter..and my credit card.... I hope I get half of what I wrote down.  Ice cream...Yasso Bars......the vanilla ones.  I didn't ask for the Big Fat Bakery Brownies at Hannaford...I do LOVE them....but they seem unimportant right now.

He slept all night and I slept all night...best night ever...and it's two in a row....Life is Good. I do, no idea why, still get up at 3 am.... and since I am up and he is asleep I walk down the hall and use  the bathroom. And then go back to sleep.  he is asleep right now so I should be doing something productive.....like a load of wash.  But I am typing this...for you.At some point the 3 am will drop like the penny and we will all know why.

The RN was also here...we checked meds....we went over things...we are waiting for the morphine.  Which will mellow him out... DNR is taped to wall. I selected a funeral home. Cremation. And perhaps a small service as he did own two restaurants for years right here in Town and mentored quite a few young people during those years. They might want to be able to pay respects.

Which reminds me- I need a good photo of him for the obituary.  These are the thoughts running thru my head.  Hospice can last a few weeks or a few years- Jimmy Carter as an example. I will ask daughter to get a nice picture....She will jolly him into it.

He's fallen asleep....this is when I am supposed to do me stuff. It's been so long since I have ...I can't imagine what I would do....but first thing coming to mind- is find some socks as my bare feet are very very cold.  And I am wondering if I have flannel sheets somewhere in the house....that would be nice. For him.

So the Me Thing will be socks for me and a sweater not a cotton shirt and then flannel sheets...somewhere in the house.  My one year working Winter at LLBean- I bought TONS of stuff for little money at the employee store....Returned items they didn't want to reshelve. Sweaters, boots, coats, bedding dog beds.... lots of corduroy pants and so many linen short sleeved Camp Shirts...not the ones with darts...the square boxy ones...which I adore as I am square and boxy.

Field Notes- Sunday October 15th. Sunshine but chilly here in Maine.

 Dee's houses.  I can use "almost" the same fabrics and still my houses etc won't be as awesome as Dee's. I have always loved houses and house appliqué.  That little "open" door looks like a light switch. I know I have that blue on black fabric--somewhere.

So sunshine today.  I slept most of the night but am getting less and less comfortable on the couch. I really want to sleep in my BED.

I sewed a button on my favorite "almost worn paper thin on the butt" green cord pants.....it took a few minutes to remember how to do it......sew on a button.  Sturdy sewing of a button.  No wiggle...no wobble.

Still waiting for a neighbor to bring me something to eat.  Or is that Funeral Food they bring????

I emptied the fridge today-----we might go grocery shopping tomorrow- daughter and I. I do have a prepared five cheese lasagna.  Heat and serve.  That sounds delicious.  Most of what I took out of the fridge was vegetables....so they got composted ..all the birds and small animals will enjoy the food.. I still have yogurts.  Tried one of the plain ones on husband for his breakfast.   A few spoonfuls. Which is more than nothing.

So, the birds have found the brand new porch bird feeders.......and the next door cat has noticed the new spot birds are hanging out...... I am re-reading a nice book....we are getting to the good parts now...finding out who one really is and what is important to them....  

I have had a vintage hand sewn quilt on my lap for a few days now.....and noticing that some strips have disintegrated.  So I  was looking in the sewing closet on the second floor and then in my closet of cloth on the first floor (sewing room) and found a few things- could be front side up or faded back side up...I am sewing them down.  It's bed sized....so this could be what I work on All WINTER which here in Maine is ENDLESSLY LONG.  Its a very nice old hand sewn and quilted quilt--30's or 40's .  When I get a working iPhone  I will send you all a picture of it. I know it should be left as is...and all repairs are removable.....so there is that....odd how some fabric shreds and falls apart and the others are good as new.

Like People.

Field Notes- Saturday, October 14th. Son's household is packed and heading East. He is in Vegas to visit a long time friend and co-worker. before driving cross country.

 I pinched marigold flowers off the plants out front...saving "seed" with hopes of Milk Jug Seed Starting in January (something normal).  For the back garden...  Two other flowers were closed and dry so they came in as well.  The bees are still overnighting in the petals of the pink flowers. 54 degrees this morning.

I have to empty and sift the container soil....re-useable.  Some of it is over ten years old.  Sterile. You add the nutrition yourself in tiny golden beads.....I keep forgetting the name of the product. I can describe it and even draw a picture of it...but can't recall it's name.

It was quiet last night and I slept- but still- perhaps forever ......waking at 2 or 3 am and then again 3 hours later. He is still asleep. the 8 pm emergency medication from the Hospice Nurse.......works.  But perhaps too much?  Do I want him asleep more than awake????

He must have stirred in the night as his one blanket is pulled up high under his chin...he complains most about being cold.

I had wash in the washer that I had not moved to the dryer....it's in there now..

I slept well..I forgot to write that in the top paragraph.  I slept well.  I am rested. Calm.  I have cherry tomatoes from the Twin's Mom in the fry pan and will be roasting them in the oven and then mixing into freshly boiled pasta.....I am planning to actually have a meal and not just yogurt and bran buds.

Well, best laid plans...laundry, drier mishap with protective liner for bed (pee pad)..thank goodness I had Peggy order two more from Amazon.

Field Notes-- Friday, October 13th.....Last night should never be repeated. He was manic.

 I want this plate of food... so much....

So last night....he was someone else....would not listen... was.... trying to climb over the rails- but too weak to actually manage.  But I couldn't sleep if he did manage to slam into the hardwood floors head first.     I am pretending to be awake. Typing this.

So I am running on empty....  Like fumes.......I have had coffee but no breakfast as yet. Oh damn- oatmeal is in the microwave- cold.....crap!!!

I spoon fed him a portion of one of my Noosa yogurts....raspberry but really light on the fruit puree portion.  The yogurt is tasty....I always swipe the container  with my finger at the end to get every bit of it.

I sat down like a responsible homeowner and wrote checks for the pile of bills.....daughter came, swept Acorns off the driveway and then off to pay her property taxes etc etc.....she also has something going on with her car tires....lug nuts?  something....so she is seeing to that as well.

The rash that started in the corners of her eyes- is now a full mask effect and is on corners of her mouth and cheeks. She is wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. Uni-bomber with a rash. Needs to do the FULL Elimination Diet thing....in case it's food....could also be stress...we got quite a lot of that going on here...or pollen?  Or the air she breathes.  But never the cats.....never.

Hospice meeting yesterday was like hitting a wall.  I can hear the fat lady singing.  Death.  Now it's real. Close.  How is that going to feel living alone?  He did travel a lot...Left me behind a lot...so might be like that????? Or not like that at all.

I smell Man Pee--24/7. It gets in my nose and stays there...after changing the Depends. I asked my Amazon neighbor to order another pack of two pee pads (to go on the mattress under him- in case)....washable... In case he goes thru them faster than he is now...One on the hospital bed and one in the washer and one as backup.....I want 3 as backup.   Always a Girl Scout- Prepared.

He's reading a magazine.  In the hospital bed,  In front of the big living room window.  With Fall color outside.  Sun is shining.  Wish I could take a picture and send it to you.  Looks peaceful

Field Notes- More Rain Overnight....Thursday, October 12th. I never know what day it is.

 I should plant things that provide food for the birds and small animals. Maybe next Spring?

The Bees are still sleeping inside the flowers in the largest container.  Daughter thought they were dead but when the flower was touched ..they moved.  Sort of like sleeping in you cereal bowl.

I am writing at 8:24 as I have no idea how the day will go.....this might be my only "alone" time. I had a nice hot shower, washed my hair, put on a load of wash in the machine.  You know, Me Stuff. Rest of day will be Hospice visit, and husband things...he seems to like the hospital bed.

I slept on the couch just in case....but he didn't need anything....

I have changed his Depends and it works out that cutting the side seams open makes it all very easy for removal.  Getting the new dry pair on- involves him doing a bit of hip lifting.....but he still can do that.

I have the rails on the sides of the bed all the way up....he can't get out without me dropping them.  The remote is where he can't reach it....because Dear Readers...he can't be trusted as far as one can throw him. He is bull headed.  Has been and always will be.

Well, he is awake- the Day Begins....

Good Morning. Rained overnight. Daughter's friend got the acorns off the driveway.

 I am thinking of finding rocks and painting them.  Seriously, thinking about rocks.

A friend of daughter came by and used husband's blower thing and got the acorns off the driveway. They were a danger for me walking on them- rolling etc.  Could have a roll and fall accident. Landing on my head. Coma.  Lots of things to worry about.  Now they are gone....until more fall out of the trees.

I am exhausted.  I already cried and its not even...well, its 8:44.  I cried earlier. And now I hope I'm done for the day.   My neck muscles are tight and  painful. The crying is like a pressure valve thing.... letting go and then being able to get through the day.  Nothing is normal.

I have on the same clothes as yesterday and the day before.  Clean underwear. Not different from any other day, week or month in years........ same clothing...

I made a cup of instant coffee and have some stale bread (no blue mold) in the Toaster for breakfast. Last night the area rugs got rolled and moved to the second bedroom.  The AC units are out of the windows. Acorn Removal Guy....very good at doing these things. I learned yesterday that he is very good at making candy as well....but isn't happy making candy.  Clearing acorns off the driveway- he was happy.

I recall mention of DUMP GUY to come get stuff..........old broken office chair, stained carpet etc.

No idea what is happening or not happening today.....I can no longer process new info. Banker said not to bother filling out the Medicaid Form...we would NEVER qualify for it.  Medicare..yes.

I am really really tired...and I just got out of bed....I would like to get back into bed...sleep some more.  But my toast is ready..... so I'd best eat breakfast and try to read the newspaper headlines......but I would prefer to go back to bed..... like for all day....and maybe even tomorrow.

Hospital bed....arrival time unknown.  Will have an alarm..no getting out of bed. In middle of the night.  He has stopped eating.....does drink water...I recall this from being with my Dad.  

field Notes- Tuesday, October 10th.....my head is full of Fuzzy thoughts.

 Okay...I tossed a bunch of images and still got a repeat...It doesn't matter anyway, does it.

I managed to feed myself yesterday.  I watched the WAR news. You can only keep your boot on someone's neck for so many years before they erupt in hateful lava and burn the place down.... get a clue.

I managed to get the recycling and the garbage to the curb for collection this morning.  It felt like climbing a huge mountain.  It felt exhausting.  Then I sat--coma like-- until it seemed like time to go to bed.

I had intended to start a wash load....but I didn't remember to do it.

It's all "too much" and I can't even...well, do anything.....not even think.

I just cry...and then get tired and go to bed and sleep until it's time to get up and make oatmeal and walk down to the mailbox and get the newspaper and then eat oatmeal and read the paper and pack my bag to get ready for the hospital and the long drive there and then the long drive home and nothing changes and nothing gets better or anything......and people keep wanting me to "decide" and I can barely button my sweater and make sure my pants are zipped.

Hospitals everywhere are having the same influx of Baby Boomers.  The local hospital also has beds in the hallways just like they do in this huge hospital husband is in.. And rules are that no treatments can be given in the hallways....so people wait for a room and then they get treatment.  Hallways are full.  And there's COVID coming back for another round.

And in the end...it'a all about money.  Can you pay?  Have insurance?  The nurses and  doctors are doing a good job. They are kind and considerate but I have to go find them if husband needs something. 

My husband has given up...I can see he has...he has promised to pee in the bed if I would just take him home.  He won't try and get up out of bed.  He will listen to me...if he can just go home.

Field Notes- Monday, October 9th. Feels like it should be November or December.

 Beautiful Painted Rocks.  I used to do stuff like this....Now I am just trying to get from waking up to going to sleep without falling apart......

Husband is still in hospital.  Still in ER adjacent.  Still not on one of the floors....upstairs with windows. I can feel that he is giving up.......no longer even trying to eat....he asked where Roger was and I said it's pretty nice day..probably riding his motorcycle.......His brother has been dead for quite a while now. At home he had asked if Roger was alive- I said no.

I am thinking Roger is close by....trying to give comfort to his older brother.

I have financial forms to fill out going back 5 years..... the Social Worker said it will be around 15K per month for care....if they can find someplace close to home for him.....Driving (fast) for 40 minutes each way is NOT something we want to do going into a Maine Winter. Closer to home would be so much better.  Neighbors might volunteer to drop me off and then come back to get me.......

Home Care is another option.  But I don't think I would do well with people (if we could even find any) in the house 24/7.  And the cost of a Hospital Bed ....but we should think about it.....

Facebook is supposed to have Hospital Beds....I just ate some Chicken Salad (protein) and now I am going to finish reading a book and then get the Recycling and Garbage out for tomorrow morning.

Field Notes- Sunday, October 8th. Dark and Raining here in Maine....

 The sugar Maples are dropping their leaves here in Maine.  The street out front is covered in maple leaves. The Oak trees in my yard still have green leaves....but acorns are falling like rain...So many acorns. I have to be careful walking to ge the paper or the mail- could twist an ankle stepping on one.

I don't have any idea if we are going to see husband today or not.  No contact with daughter so far.

It's cold and dark in the house....

I am exhausted.  I am tired of the push pull of arguments with daughter.  So very very tired of them.

She wants us both to live FOREVER....We both are in our late 70's......the clock is ticking. I have relatives that lived into their mid 80s' (so the possibility of another 10 years for me). Husband has out lived his entire family at 77.  Everyone else died years and years younger.  Mostly at 60.  When he had his heart attack and the Dog pressed his head to G's chest.  If he had been home alone- he would have died.  Like every other man in his family.

I am emotionally exhausted.  I come home, change into my pajamas and watch PBS things I have recorded.  Professor T last night.  Three episodes. I barely have any interest in eating. I do drink hot sweet tea.  I consider potato chips but so far..haven't had any.

I have to empty the ornamental containers out on the sidewalks...sift the roots out of the sterile soil and store the soil in a garbage can in the garage.....before we have a freeze.

I need to hire someone to leaf blow the oak leaves and the acorns off the front lawn.  But the leaves aren't ready to go yet.  The Acorns are abundant. I also need to line the sidewalk edges with the sticks husband usually puts out on the edges....so the guy shoveling will know where the sidewalks are.

I usually shovel the walks... but Who knows what condition I will be in by Winter.?????

I noticed a Bullmoose Bookstore in a parking lot CLOSE to the hospital.......turned out to be a VERY EXCITING thing for daughter and she found a basket full of books for her collection.  So a crap day had a bit of sunshine in it.  They have a sprinkling of new and a boatload of old...so she was in her element. Even found a hard back of a book she had only EVER seen in paperback. I got four RomComs. So I was happy as well. I also got a hardback Met Her Match by Deveraux so I was very very happy as well.

My bookcase is filling up.  Like a Squirrel Preparing for Winter with a GOOD STOCKPILE of ACORNS. I have a good stockpile of books.  My favorites. I even found a hardcover of a book I had just read...

the Sun seems to be coming out....I need to eat.  Thank you for reading this post.  

Field Notes- Another Day in Care Facility Hell.

 Daughter cried.  I cried.   Social Worker eventually gave up and cried.  We might have ... a solution- but nothing is solid as yet. Still jiggling like jello.  Husband even became his old self and said 'WHY?" and discussed what he thought was unfair etc.

We ordered food (husband) for today and three meals for tomorrow (for husband)- Maine is supposed to be getting heavy rain tomorrow or over night..  We (Sam) do NOT want to drive that 40 minutes one way in heavy rain....it's difficult  enough on dry pavement. Curves, Curves Curves and with wet roads and headlights....not good.

PT finally arrived for the PT test.... results were need for decisions.

We tried to think of a solution to our problem of no rehab place wanting husband and if we pushed - having to pay the full amount per month out of pocket.  And how long before we are broke.  And ...Son wanted to know- what happens to Mom (and no money) if she needs care in the years ahead...yesh...

I unpacked my Deb Lacativa Dye Work cotton bag. just now....Sam hated the plastic bag I was carrying around and said- "don't you have anything NICE?".....Yes, I did have something nice.  Thank you,Deb.

Bag on the porch- when we got home....My Lunch Buddy had picked up my Library Books....sigh, just that lightened my mood so very much....and the pizza I had for dinner....(with daughter).

Cross your fingers and if this is something you do- pray for us.....we need all the support we can get...to drag this situation over the finish line........ really!!

Still Thursday October 5th. 11PM

I said the magic words to  a Health Services Employee ...."he is not safe at home".   Repeated those words as needed.  Never saying anything else- It's like a secret code.

He hasn't been admitted but will stay in ER for the night.... a mandatory 72 hour HOLD. For saying Not Safe at Home.  By then we will hopefully have him admitted...in a room waiting for transfer to a Care Facility. IF the God's of Luck are with us the facility we want- if not a temporary stay somewhere else until a bed opens at the place we want...... But he will NOT be at home.  Wandering at night...possibly tripping and hitting this head in the bathroom etc. His left side is bothering him- I think he did fall and landed on his ribs......at some point in the last whatever this has been.....I don't even know what day it is. Until I title the daily posts.

I haven't been able to sleep...or eat.....or read- yeah- when I can't read you know something is VERY WRONG.  the not eating is bad also- And the not sleeping is somehow worse.  My nerves are shot.

I can't even do something as simple as write a check for a bill......I can't think.

Field Notes- Thursday, October 5th. Quagmire of Social Services and Mistakes (mine)

 The trees in Maine are still green....lots of acorns on the ground. Today is wet so it must have rained overnight.  

We need a referral...Our kingdom for a referral. To move husband to a care facility. Even though the past two days have been good ones....because a few good days always proceed a few really bad days...it's the way this cycle of going downhill goes.  No one is saying it will go any other way.

Our son is still in California....nothing HERE is ready for him....no sleeping spot...no storage spot..... and I can't see how that might change.  I can't be working up in the Attic or second floor bedroom and watching husband at the same time....And I am 77.  Going up and down stairs is no picnic.  My right hip is not having ANY of that.  My right hip is saying..it wants to retire permanently. It was damaged in a car accident  months BEFORE our son was born.  No X-rays-  I knew I was pregnant. Very early days and knew an Xray would be catastrophic.  So.  No X ray  no treatment and until I got to my 60's and was having lots of pain and trouble walking....and had to retire from my job because walking wasn't that great..

Husband had a good day yesterday- after I gave him two Tylenol.  Seemed to be what he needed.

I felt good about yesterday.  I asked a neighbor to get copies of the Maine Will and Health Directive off his internet.  (I CAN'T print off the internet anymore- That is broken.)  I have a working photocopier and if that breaks...everything is going at once here...breaking down, giving up....computer, TiVo (I now have one clicker that ONLY can turn tv on/ off and one that can only change channels....yesterday I could not turn tv off.  I cried...I just sat here and cried.

Well, that was yesterday- the one might no longer turn on the TV and the other might never change the channel... I was (accidentally) watching a program on depression....wow....and wanted to watch something else and discovered I could not change channels. Or turn the tv off.  I cried. Like depressed crying.

Everything has outlived it's Productive Lifespan.  Me, too.  And if I could send you an image that represents my frustration of things breaking down, not working, etc etc etc....I would. I reboot the TiVo everyday....it also needs to be replaced.... I cried yesterday when I couldn't change the channel on the tv. I can't unhook the TiVo and just have  TV...the connections are  turned too tight....won't budge...I have tried.

I really cried...I had hit the WALL so to speak of what I can put up with.  When I asked the neighbor lawyer to make copies...I cried...he offered me a bowl of the soup he was cooking.  Turkey vegetable.  I actually only am eating breakfast.....occasionally I have a Noosa yogurt with Bran Buds....there is food in the fridge....I am not hungry....for the first time in my life....I am not hungry.

I am not really anything... I can barely read three pages in a very good book. I have no Life anymore.  No Joy.  I wipe butts, pull up pants, steady the walker.  I offer food and drink and sometimes he says yes.  He sleeps more and more.  Some days he is really bad and other days really good and nothing seems wrong with him....his eyes sparkle and we have a good conversation. And I have HOPE ( which is not as good as it sounds....because HOPE doesn't last long.....)

From The Land of What's Going On??? October 4th. Sunshine here in Maine. Very Warm.

 Cardiologist was good. They had wheelchairs so he didn't have to walk from parking inside...I doubt he had the energy to do that...saves it all for 2 am trips, alone, to the bathroom.

No change from his other tests.... in years past..after his heart surgery in 2004.

I got to visit the grocery store- Depends under wear briefs....Very nice...I can just snip the sides with scissors to get them off.  Thank you all for saying I should buy them. 

I had a very nice hot shower this morning...and I got to sleep until 8:40.  Husband is listening to music. He told daughter he would like that...never said it to me.   I couldn't get his player to work so he is listening to mine...with his cd.  I think it's from the Time of Karate.

I slept thru him getting up by himself.  My friend has suggested a Night Person.

I am conflicted about having strangers in the house all night.  I do not think I could sleep.

Finally, a call from one of the Primary Care Referrals.  I don't know which one but not Palliative Care. The message sounded abrupt and not really welcoming.

My first..."you have a service please wire money to this account".....I expected the Cons to start conning sooner but here they are.....like vultures.  They say they work at Best Buy.

I bought baked chicken breasts at grocery and shredded them and added mayo and honey.....One of my favorite foods....perhaps I will regain my appetite.  I noticed my legs and ankles were swollen last night.

Not a good sign.  Well, my oatmeal has beeped in the microwave.  Time to eat.

Field Notes- Tuesday October 3rd. Warming up. Driveway loaded with acorns.

 Elephant never forgets.

Really Bad Day...yesterday and so far today.....Heart Doctor today at 3pm.

Had to call daughter in middle of the night (last night)...husband had gotten himself to bathroom while I was sleeping. And  he had fallen. How he managed not to crack his skull on anything- amazingly lucky. She's strong and was able to haul him up.  3 am.   He's moved his timing up an hour.

Daughter said this would NOT have happened if he had gone to rehab.  She is absolutely right.  1000%

I was WRONG...he should have gone to rehab.

I was recalling the time after his heart surgery...he was younger, not demented. I was younger....dealt with him and a dog who wanted a daily walk......and I went back to work at some point.

I never could fall asleep again (after having to call daughter) so I am working on jittery energy right now.  How many days has he been home?  I haven't slept an entire night since.  I get about 3 hours sleep.  The tension in my neck muscles is painful.  I cry so easily over anything....

I wanted him to have a shower before the doctor visit....but can't see how I can do it.  I don't even know if he can stand up over kitchen sink to get his hair washed.  But I will try.

I keep hearing small noises and walk down to see if he is up and trying to go someplace.  He's asleep.

But...I can't trust him to stay asleep.  I think I might be at the being of my own urinary tract disorder. I never changed my desk calendar to October.... the entire last week of September is blank- more like the day after my birthday..is blank. 

I feel all shivery and cold and it's almost 85 outside.  I had cereal and hot sweet tea this morning.

This will be short one.

Husband was great all day yesterday (like normal so it was very very nice)...even into the evening when we sort of watched the Terrible Patriots Game.  And even after that as I was putting him to bed...he was actually sort of happy and chatty..

4am.....he had gotten himself to bathroom but couldn't get his pants down so peed all over himself and the floor. I had quite bit of cleanup to do....and then this morning in so much pain he couldn't stand or walk or sit or do anything without crying out in pain.  His back... 

I cleaned him and tried to get him back to bed- but his back ...I think he has a decaying backbone (spine). That is very painful....I double "pee padded" him.....he has a washable pee pad under him...I just needed- at 4 am to get him back in bed....... It was awful.  Moving caused him a great deal of pain.

He had his regular morning pills and one Tylenol. I had the heating pad on him but shut it off to see if that was over heating him or if he actually has a fever.  Daughter says a fever is a very bad thing... I think he is just overheated- he always thinks he's cold.........and usually his hands and feet are ice cold- even in summer.  There are lots of possibilities here as to what is wrong with him.....and not mental.

I am so thankful I ordered- over the phone- a new washer dryer in March....the machine is amazing. And has been on active duty the past 9 days......

My Lunch Buddy picked up the book I had on reserve at library  and took the bag full of books to be returned.

Daughter is waiting for a prescription to be filled...for the terrible rash on her eye lids.... then she will come over.

I know exactly why husband is weak and dizzy- he hasn't eaten anything but one small yogurt each day and water, orange juice and some lemonade.  He DOES NOT WANT TO POOP HIS PANTS so he has STOPPED EATING........

In anyone else I would think he wanted to die....but he does not want to die.

I am reading a very interesting book by a Maine Author- Cowardly Woman No More.  by Ellen Cooney. I intend to order a copy from the Independent Bookstore.... It's weird and so very very different. I like the way she puts words together to make images....that stay in one's mind..... It is NOT a Rom Com

Field Notes---It's October!!!! I'm doing that Swedish Cleaning Thing..... Will be a pile of bags out with the Tuesday Trash pickup this week.

 This would NOT BE useful right now...next to husband's bed- but since it's a king- he has a lot of space for his Word Search books, extra pants when the ones he is wearing get wet etc. to the left of him on the bed. 

I had a carpet like this once...and a cat that vomited.....never could get it clean.  Ever.

I just now finished emptying the room husband is in...I had pictures I never returned to walls after they were painted stored along a wall...I moved all of them to the "office" "sewing room" which I will tackle another day. Like Scarlett O'Hara.  He also had a monster box with a vibrating something or other for his "bad back"- used it once....now in a box going to Goodwill.  

It would be great if daughter would repack the box- she is excellent at that spacial stuff.  Then we could tape it shut. Put it in her car and she could drop it off at one of her many Goodwill visits. 

I moved a pile of painting from the room as well.  Found a small watercolor of a red apple. I had painted it a long time ago- in a different LIFE..  Husband wanted it on the wall where he can see it. So it's there.

I packed all the books I am returning to Library in a bag and will email my Lunch Buddy to see if she will return them for me.  I might also ask her to drop off my bills to the post office.....not put them in the street box....  I wish we could go to lunch but those days are over for now.

I got the Amplifier (as seen on tv) charged up so husband might be able to hear the TV later today???? I  tried several times to get the TiVo to FIX the volume control so I could raise the sound levels...It did nothing.  So disappointing as husband really wanted to watch TV yesterday.  Difficult to deny him that simple pleasure.  He no longer understands Football. He asks "what are they doing???"

He's reverted to his anorexic tendencies in food.  He has always been like this.  Now he says he isn't hungry.  Which is true- if you don't eat...you stop being hungry eventually. He had juice, yogurt and half a bagel yesterday--I sort of just handed it to him and said nothing......he drank and ate.  I am trying not to give him things he might choke on or inhale.  He had been eating tiny diced Chicken Parm and tiny diced pasta with cheese but now refuses to have any.  I don't even recall what I ate.  The day before I had a Prepared Meatloaf dinner and made coleslaw to eat with it.  Wasn't great but it was food.