My "Lack of Focus" Studio

Surreal. Fuzzy. Blurred. Messy. Unorganized. Ridiculous. Any and all would apply here. I go in there to find something: scissors, and it becomes so damned frustrating. The room is as big as it looks. No space to even re-pile things. And even if I did take away the collage elements--where would I take them away TO? I have painting things, I have quilting things, I have used clothing to be used in fabric collage, I have a closet of commercial fabric, I have projects in lidded tubs, stacked along the walls. I have rolls and rolls of batting given to me by I don't even remember who.

No wonder I try to avoid that room.

I think it's the family disease. Saving things. In case we might need them. Not being able to part with something that may have a use someday, not now, but someday. My dad had 6 cubic yards of it saved in his house. I know. I bagged it all. And paid the dumpster charges.

The yardage was selected, purchased and lovingly folded, sorted by color, and stored in the fabric closet on shelving installed specifically for it. Lovely to look at. I did use it when I belonged to a quilting group. For the odd "block of the month" or charity quilt. And I freely offered it to many beginning quilters, for their first projects. But my wild taste in fabric and color wasn't all that popular here in Maine. Still isn't. Freddie Moran.

The really FUNNY thing is that I PREFER the Shaker look. Spare and simple. Function over style. Bare floors. Just a table and chairs. No fluff. And I live with OVERLOAD. Ten pillows on the slipcovered sofas. Each. Piles of books. Too many houseplants which I forget to water because I put them upstairs where the light is better and never go up there. "UP THERE" is where my studio used to be. Until my knees started to go arthritic.

Today's bowl is filled with frustration.

Friend of Twelve by Twelve-In Progress

Identity. Now that I see this "in print" I can see that I have some work to do on the mouth. In person it reads much better as lips. The title of this would be "EYE dentity" and I wanted to emphasize the eye in my self portrait. Because it is my view, my way of seeing things that defines my identity. As a person and as an artist.

Passion. I, too, chose to do the Passion Flower. This is a close up of the block and I may crop it to a 10 inch square in order to condense the image and not have so much white space around the flower (which you can't see here, as this is tightly cropped). I understand that if we are limited to 12 inches square we should use the space wisely. I can always go back in with dyes and darken the background. I love the stitching. I haven't beaded this yet. And perhaps it will have more spokes. I'm not sure they can be correctly called petals.

I don't have a clue as to what to make for Twelve, the final image. But I do want to finish.

Events in my life "happened" at just the wrong time each of these months. I confess that my pieces were made in the week before each reveal. I did think about the subject in the 2 months we had to do the work but never actually did the work till the last possible minute. That worked for 9 of the pieces.

600. On another topic. This is my 600th blog post. I think I may have been blogging for four years now. How did that happen? The time passes so quickly these days. And, truly, I don't know how I would have gotten through this past year without you dear, dear, readers. (and the year before that)

Your comments. Well, I don't think I can express, in words, what it does to my heart to see a comment pop up in my email box. I try and reply to each comment that includes a return address.

My blog has also fostered a deeper connection with my children who are getting to know who I am when I'm not their "mom". This is especially true with my son out in California.

I may wish for hundreds and thousands of readers, but I'm sure it wouldn't be the same as having my little band of 30. Loyal, longtime readers. And the occasional surprise of a "lurker" who comes forward to say hello. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

You are the reason I get up in the morning (to check my emails and read your blogs). You are my connection to the world. You know me better than anyone. I tell no lies and keep few secrets. And I am on my best behaviour with you. Trying not to be petty (often), not talking about people behind their backs, and trying not to manipulate you emotionally. Because there are bloggers out there who do those things. And their blogs are popular. And you know I would love being "popular". :-0

My bowl today is filled with gratitude and humility. And joy. And tears. And laughter. All the stuff you and I have shared. And will share in the coming year. Each year, at blog-o-versary time, I make a promise to myself to "do better". To make the blog more interesting, more fun, more honest and in doing that, make MYSELF more interesting, fun, honest.

Riley's Toy Basket

Riley is still napping this morning. I woke up a bit earlier than I wanted because a neighbor called to ask me to pick up the mail and papers while she visits her daughter in New York. I expect that Riley and I will be walking later, playing with toys and going for a ride in the car to pay the real estate taxes that are due today.

It's cold. We had an overnight freeze. I have the heat turned on even though I try to see how long I can put off turning on the heating zones each winter. And, yes, it is winter. Maine has only two seasons. Winter. Not Winter.

Yesterday I scored a hooded company logo sweatshirt. After getting the sweatshirt I was sent out into the freezing cold (not really but almost) perennial yard to cut back the remaining perennials for hours and hours. Remember I did this on Monday when the temps were nice and the sun was shining, warmly. Let me tell you, this was bone chilling. I would take a break every hour to go into the annual house and have my glasses fog up. I judge the "coldness" of the day by what I need to wear to be warm outdoors. Yesterday: long sleeve shirt, company s/s tee, new sweatshirt, fleece lined company vest, waterproof gloves, wool socks and Crocs. Winter: long sleeve tee, s/s company tee, down hunting liner, fleece lined company vest, wool socks, wool scarf and wool hat, and thinsulate gloves. I take things off if the greenhouse is warm and put clothing back on if I have to go outdoors. We all bring extra clothing in case we get wet. Especially socks. I wear hot pink Crocs year round.

I think I am going to start bringing a large Thermos of hot coffee to work with me. Now that I drink so much GOOD coffee, I find it's warmth and full bodied flavor to be very comforting. All day long.

I mailed K about 9 yards of white with black print fabrics for the Christmas bed quilt she is making. She keeps making blocks until she runs out of fabric. And the quilts keep getting larger and larger. We made up squares of B/W and circles of green while I was visiting and she actually appliqued ALL of the blocks we made. And even 50 of the blue and yellow ones for another bed quilt. I got about a dozen of my own sewn. Slacker that I am. I need to set up a traveling work station and keep track of the needles. Riley is always on the lookout for anything that falls on the floor. And I drop needles like a pine tree.

West Wing will not be airing for 10 days starting Monday. I am in shock. Bravo is going to show MOVIES! The episodes I'm watching are from 2005. Anyone know when the series ended? I got a comment from someone with the boxed set--- let me know how much is left. Jimmy Smits is running for President- 105 days to election day. Please.

We had soup again last night. G's cold has gone into the coughing stage. My walking partner (we haven't walked but three or four times this "not winter" season) has a bad cold which sent her to her bed. I think we'll have pasta tonight. My favorite winter meal of pan sauteed pork, baked potatoes, steamed green beans and applesauce was uber delicious on Tuesday.

Today I have to pay our taxes, return books to the library and pay fines (as my status as a library employee was finally reduced to ordinary citizen) and stop at the grocery to buy more apples. This time I will make a better apple pie and more applesauce. I may even get more green beans. We'll be having pizza on Friday or Saturday. G has the weekend off and plans to repair the rotten garden posts and reattach the fencing. He hasn't even purchased the replacement posts. That alone will take about 2 hours with travel time to the place that carries long poles. And he will sleep late, eat breakfast etc. I can't see much work getting done.

I have bulbs to plant and the new Heuchera that I bought yesterday on sale. Licorice and Cotton Candy. I also have an unidentified peony to plant. In Sam's garden. And I have my own perennial yard to cut back.

My bowl today is filled with the need to be more positive and less pessimistic.

Today would have been my dad's 87th birthday.

It's Raining

I woke up to the sound of rain. (I took this picture of my weeping crab tree just moments ago) Cold rain. Yesterday, at work, it was cold but sunny and the greenhouse crew was busy clipping the perennials short for their return trip to the solar greenhouse in Falmouth. I would have liked a bit of sunshine on my day off, today. Riley is grumbling. He would have liked some dry sunshine also.

I have a call into the heat/oil service for a check on my boiler. It's running every 10 minutes and the water in the shower was as close to scalding as it's ever been, with the mix all the way to the cold side. This all happened while I was away at work yesterday. And my friend K needs the white with black print fabric I promised to send "as soon as I get home". It's been nearly 2 weeks. I have the fabric cut, folded and ready to pack. I did that right before my shower last evening. The really, really HOT shower.

I paid all the bills yesterday morning, balanced all three checkbooks (found the missing checkbook in the office, on the floor, under the ironing board), addressed envelopes, applied stamps and THEN remembered it was Columbus Day. No mail. I also made a huge pot of chicken soup for G to help with the cold he still has before going into work. I have a container of black bean bisque for myself.

Interesting thing about the missing checkbook. Sunday, while ironing G's shirts for work this week, I started thinking about the checkbook. I mean it was like a banner headline running in my head. And for some reason I decided to look in the closet at the beige shirts. I had to move the vacuum and the checkbook, plopped, and I looked down and there it was. I had used the vacuum last week and no checkbook plopped then. I was stunned. Pleased, but stunned.

I have been really trying to notice, pay attention etc to the intuitive side of my brain. It does have things to tell me. An example: I'm walking out the door and a thought pops in my head "did you turn off the _____?". If I go back in, I find that I have NOT turned it off. But, I don't always pay attention. And leave the oven on at 400 degrees for 24 hours.

If I keep thinking of something, then I need to really pay attention to that thought. The message of the missing checkbook's location was SO strong because I was practically standing on top of it.

Another interesting facet of my "brain" is that I never use a clock or watch and I am never late for any appointment UNLESS I have decided to wear my watch. I wake up when I need to wake up, with enough time to dress, eat and make my lunch. Isn't that interesting?

Another is that I can sense my brain "sorting" information I have collected, looking for the piece of information I want, need or am interested in remembering. As long as I stay calm. I can find papers in a pile and go directly to them. (but if I panic, all bets are off)

Once, at a job I had, they needed a certain work order and didn't have the number but had a general date. I thought about the order, walked directly to a file cabinet (I did all the filing), opened a drawer, held my hand over the files and picked one. And it was the one they needed. My supervisor treated me like an outer space alien from that moment on.

I was stunned that the order I pulled was the ONE!!! Still am. But I was very proud of myself.

So, anyway, the boiler repair guy is here just an hour after I called. He's in the crawl space looking around and probably won't find a thing. I have a feeling the problem might be in the shower mixer but that doesn't explain the boiler going on every ten minutes for over an hour last night. And I don't have the heating zones on yet. So only water is being heated.

In any case, I will be able to go to the post office when he's done and mail the fabric and buy stamps.

We're having pork, homemade applesauce, baked potatoes and fresh green beans for supper tonight. One of my favorite meals. I may even make cookies.

My bowl today is filled with intuitive thoughts. Edit: And VERY HOT WATER. The valve on the extra water tank is stuck open and I have been notified that I have 26 gallons of 155 degree water down there right now. The cute guy has gone to find a new valve. He doesn't know how far he will have to go to find one, but he'll return, he hopes. Me too. He did. And fixed everything.

More Sunday

I now wish I did not live at the far end of a dead end street. I wish I lived on a high traffic street so I could publicize my political view point to all passing cars.

From mid October to election day, here in Maine, I am taking notice of which homes are for or against equality in marriage for all citizens of this United States of America. And I would love to be helping the cause with my own signs. There is also a nasty race for Town Council to add spice to the season!

In Georgia, I noticed most telephone poles had a very nice "Obama Bin Lying" stapled to them. At first I thought it was Bin Laden. And I noticed, in the Atlanta airport, much disgust amongst the "white folk" whenever the President was on camera on CNN. And not so much applause as departing Army left for Iraq or Afghanistan. When Bush was President there was so much hoopla at the airport you would have thought Bush was walking by with the troops.

And on a less political note, while doing my usual grocery shopping I noticed an increase of an average of 10 cents per item across the board. Prices never went down after the $4 gas thing and now it seems, prices just go up every few months. My cereal was on the shelf. 6 boxes. So I took 4. Was $1.89 all summer and now $1.99. Frozen orange juice was $1.85 and is now $2.15 a can. The New York Times was $5 and is now $6. My sugar free Jello was $1.09 last week and is now $1.19 a box. Sugar was $2.50 for 5 #'s like usual. Chicken breasts were 99 cents a pound. I didn't buy any. I'm trying to empty the freezer cause I'm going to buy a new refrigerator someday soon.

The leftovers from my pot roast were delicious this evening. All I had to do was heat everything up. Easy.

A Very Nice Sunday in October

Yesterday I peeled, seeded and sliced three very small butternut squash. I think my weedy garden produced around 8 small butternuts this year. Anyway, after slicing them, I added some olive oil and salt and pepper and rubbed each slice and then drizzled the lot with pancake syrup. I do live here in one of the states that makes maple syrup but I don't like it. the pan then went in the oven at 425 for 50 minutes. Then I ate them all.

I also peeled, cored and sliced apples for a pie. The crumb crust on top is perfect but the filling is very liquidy and even though it all tastes good--it's not really a successful pie since I can't serve up a nice wedge to anyone. Just a scoop of glop.

The black bean bisque came out a bit too salty. Nice and deep and musky nevertheless but too salty. I was watching too many cooking shows and they all sprinkle salt like new fallen snow over everything. And then I do it. It will even out after I go grocery shopping today and buy more half and half or cream. The bisque is supposed to have cream in it. I used the last for G's tomato soup.

G is coughing all over the kitchen (he has a cold) so there are germs everywhere. He always gets sick. I am trying to stay as far away from him as I can.

I do want to plant my daffodil bulbs today, take a shower and either read or sew some little circles. No cooking. No dog walking.

I have to go to work tomorrow for the 12 to 6 shift. That means driving home in the dark again. I have astigmatism and night driving is difficult. I missed my turnoff on Friday and had to drive way out of my way to get to another turnoff near my home. That's the way it is in Maine. Only one chance to get home. All roads go north and south and very few go east and west. And then I still have to prepare a meal. I could follow K's example and have G bring home take out. And we could eat it while watching television (like we usually do-- only we watch the news and she watches taped soaps). K's husband is better at bringing home take out than my G is. And there is more local take out to choose from in her town in Georgia and R loves to shop. G hates take out because the food is never hot (just reheated) and he prefers to go out and eat. More expensive. I don't want to go out again after coming home.

As you can see, G and I have very little in common when it comes to food. We even eat different soups on soup night. And different lettuce and fixings in our salads on salad night. And entirely different pizza on pizza night (from the dough to the toppings). And when I fix chicken for him (his favorite meat) I have to make something else for me (I don't like chicken). This is what I LOVED most about my 10 day vacation. Not dealing with cooking. I could have the freedom of having a bowl of cereal for supper and not have to think of anyone else.

Now, if you think all that is difficult-- add in my daughter's likes and dislikes -- when she comes to eat, usually on holidays. Otherwise, she will eat any leftovers of my food (not her father's), unless I have added beans, rice, onion in recognizable form, nuts, bulgur, kale or beets. Which I add or say I have added when I feel passive/aggressive.

All right, I have vented enough for one day. I had oatmeal for breakfast today and when G asked if I had eaten, that's what I told him. Even though I had wanted blueberry pancakes and bacon.

We have leftover pot roast for later. And I can get something for lunch when I shop. But right now, I'm finishing my coffee and heading for the shower.

The Zen of Saturday

Nothing scheduled but walking the dog. I have Saturday and Sunday off this week and next. Two days. Next to each other. It really is the simple things that have the most impact.

P says the Concord grapes are ready. On Sunday we'll pick them and see if there are enough for grape jelly making. She also has peaches on her tree. I tried peach preserves last year and they came out runny. Still good but would have been better if they had been thicker. The greenhouse customers with the promised "bushel of quince" haven't shown up so no quince preserves this year, either. I did manage two batches of zucchini bread and butter pickles. And NO freezer bags of cherry tomatoes this year. I usually have 10 to 12 quarts of frozen tomatoes. One or two bags for each month of winter suppers. Evidence of the year with no summer.

I do want to make a streusel topped apple pie today. And use lots of butter in the topping.

I made a pot roast yesterday and set it to cook out on the sun porch all day in the crock pot. It was delicious. I arrived home from work (in the dark) at 6:30 and peeled potatoes and made coleslaw while still wearing my coat. We ate just before 7:30. G has a cold and he finished washing the dishes and went directly to bed. I read the paper and watched Project Runway and fell asleep on the couch.

Riley is grumbling over there. Wanting his lunch and a walk. It's the least I can do.

I had mountains of stuff written and finally just deleted it all and wrote this. It was all rambling stuff without any meaning. I think the delete key is the most important key on this blog. Second to the "publish post" key.

My bowl today is filled with rest and rejuvenation. And perhaps some reading and pie baking. The sun has just appeared so the walk with Riley will be extra beautiful with all the fall colors.
Don't worry. I'm content. I may even roast a pile of butternut squash chunks for lunch.

What I Really Want

A perfect day, week, month, year, lifetime for me would be the freedom and solitary enjoyment of my days, shared with the world via this or some other blog or written venue. And an audience.

I have maybe 20 to 30 "viewings" (which make it sound like a daily funeral), some of which are mine when I need to edit the copy for errors, some are my daughter when she checks to see if I have posted, my son, occasionally. The rest are my dear and faithful readers. You.

I am too old to share a "mommy blog". I do make art, but so infrequently as to not be the main focus of the blog anymore, if it ever was the focus. I could share pictures of food and recipes but others do that already with such flair and exuberance. I tried politics in real life and found that I don't have the strength for it.

My strength, in words, is emotional connection. Not therapy. More self examination of the emotional playing field that is daily life. The Zen of making order in the chaos that is our 24 hours each day.

Yesterday I got my hair cut. Short. And discussed the perception I have that the majority of people, men and women, do not like really short hair on women. I think it confuses them. They wonder about my sexual preferences. I have female associates who will not have lunch or dinner with me when my hair is very short, lest they be mislabeled as lesbians. This has more to do with their sexual problems than it has to do with me. Yet, I must deal with it. And eat my lunch alone or find new, more adventurous women to eat lunch with me. Just because I got my hair cut.

Now, I do have a co worker who thinks short hair on women makes their asses look huge. That thought may have more validity.

Today, my bowl is filled with smoke, as is my house. I seared the pot roast before slow cooking and the smoke has filled the house. All the windows are open and the fans are running. Ah, the joys of cooking!

Trying to Reboot

Have you ever felt like you just don't "fit" anymore? Your clothes are too tight. Your friends aren't what you want and need. Your job is just blech. Groups you belong to make you wish you were somewhere else. Your breakfast cereal is tasteless and boring.

I'm looking around and mostly what I see and feel is discontent. I don't know what I want. I just know that what I have isn't working.

I could rearrange the furniture and change the slipcovers. I could drift over to Goodwill and look for a larger size pair of blue jeans. I could dig holes and plant things like I did on Tuesday.

I could go into "therapy" as a friend suggested because she was "worried" about me. I had vented my frustrations to her and instead of listening (and perhaps understanding) she decided I was in need of therapy.

Even my walk with the dog turned into a problem when we were followed by a dog on the loose, larger and more aggressive than my Riley, who nipped and growled and followed us all the way home. A metaphor for how I am feeling. Nipped and growled at by things larger and more aggressive than I am.

For the past eleven and a half years I have held jobs that have frustrated and angered me because I am helpless to change any of the circumstances of those jobs. I exchange my compliance for an hourly wage. I stay because of solidarity with my co workers who, because I have only a husband, two adult children and a dog as my friends and family, are all I have on a daily basis to connect with and talk to and eat lunch with. I had hoped the Art Club would work for me, to help network, but it seemed like panning for a gold nugget in a river of stones. A tremendous effort with no certainty of finding anything. Yes, I know we have to make this effort, but it's been a long time since I made the effort.

I have used pages in my journal with essays on "What Do I Want" and I am no closer to knowing what that is than I was when I began writing. I know that if I stop working, I will have shut myself off from the energy and wit of my co workers, and their youth, to what advantage? To spend more time watching West Wing, walking the dog, doing laundry and changing the slipcovers? Is that all there is?

The recent Master Gardener's potluck cast a spotlight on what it's like to actually be retired and have the entire day to devote to bulb planting, grass cutting, board meetings and discussing ways to recycle grass clippings, banana peels and rain water while creating a self sustaining eco system in our gardens to feed generations to come and not use a drop of fossil fuels. My own eco system is choked with weeds.

The Art Club is making small things from discarded little pieces of wood under the guidance of an artist making large things from little pieces of wood. My friend isn't interested in attending and my daughter said once was enough.

My husband and I are having one of the "not so happy" years of our long marriage. Each of us examining our own belly button lint with a keen eye.

The only Joy in my life is the evening meal. Last night it was reheated meatloaf and mashed potatoes to comfort me and Tomato Basil soup with handmade drop dumplings and cream for G. I was going to put a pot roast in the crock pot for tonight but have decided to have it tomorrow. Comfort after working until after 6 pm and driving home in the dusky light of the end of the day.

I have decided to get dressed and walk the dog (I hope, free of interruption), go to Target for underwear and a glass container for orange juice followed by a quick check of the blue jean section of Goodwill. Then a haircut. It isn't much but it's what I have. I'll make do.

Thanks for listening.

Too Much Birthday

Not only were there too many candles on the cake, but there were way too many cakes! In fact, I still have a wedge of cake from the 18th of September in my fridge.

Now, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I love a birthday. Especially my own birthday. And this year was extraordinary. So many email greetings, snail mail cards, hugs, smiles, gifts in the mail and of course the cake. All Chocolate.

I'm moving on to pie. Pizza pie. Which was what I fixed for supper last night after a long, cold, rainy day at work. G got the last of the bottled pizza sauce on his sausage, onion and mushroom pie so I had to be inventive with my supper. I had a whole wheat crust, olive oil, onion and Greek olives with plenty of salt and pepper. It was crispy and delicious. No. I didn't eat the whole thing. It takes several days for me to actually finish this large pizza. I sometimes have a wedge with my lunch salad. Or I have a larger piece as my supper on a leftover night.

I have a very old and stained pizza stone in the oven and that's how I get the crust so nice. I have also started stretching the dough over my hands instead of rolling it out flat and this seems to make the pizza nice and chewy. No doughy like bread. I also have a pizza peel which I liberally dust with coarse cornmeal to get things moving and not sticking. I like the crunch of the cornmeal on the bottom of the pizzas. My son didn't. Doesn't.

G is still sleeping so I'm waiting to start breakfast. While I was on vacation, K's husband would make Sunday breakfast. Eggs, bacon. potatoes, sausage and melon. No grits this time. I like grits. And they never let me make biscuits. Because they don't like having anyone else in the kitchen. K's husband makes everything separately. So the sausage is cold by the time he makes the eggs. If it was allowed, I would suggest putting everything in a 200 degree oven to stay warm until service. But my opinion isn't requested. This is the way things are always done. Period.

I've been tossed out of the kitchen on more than one occasion. "Get Out!" K can do things faster, she says, with out any help from me. Thank you very much.

Yesterday's "Bulb Class" went well. My co presenter did most of the heavy lifting, educationally, and I did the cookie plates, made the urn of coffee, ran out to Wally World for coffee cream and cat food, and helped with the "party favors" which consisted of a canning jar, rocks and a paperwhite bulb. I think we had 17 or 18 in the class. It went very well. And it was really raining outside. Cold and raining. And all the building's doors have to be wide open.

I work a new schedule next week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The late afternoon 12 to 6 part of the day on Monday and Friday. And the "dark times" are coming. Coming home in the dark is so depressing. But other people will be doing the morning watering of the greenhouse so that means dry socks for me. Got to look for the positive in everything.

My house in Ohio is no longer my house. It finally sold on Wednesday the 30th. I lost SO much (potential) money on this sale but as everyone keeps saying "You sold the house". So I'm going to think of it that way. Eventually. I do want to take a few days to yell and punch things and be angry. Get it all out. Then I'll be grateful. My dad's law firm sent it's bill for "services" at about the same time as the house sold. Happy Days.

Since it's cold and wet outside, I'll be doing indoor things here at home. Laundry, ironing and sewing. Riley has chewed a few holes into his toy animals so I'll be replacing the squeakers (which no longer squeak) with squeaky tennis balls and sewing the incisions and chewed areas closed. Rabbit. Spider. Square Bob. Dinosaur aka Pupasaurus.

My bowl today will be filled with cozy warmth and wool socks.

Home Sweet Home

I'm BACK!!! Yes, indeed. And the part of Georgia I visited did NOT have any flooding. Just heat and humidity. We got rained on a bit in the first part of the visit but after that, just one evening of rain (we were BBQing). Isn't it amazing that one part of the state can be a declared emergency zone and another just an hour away, has no troubles? Austell was the first place G and I lived when we moved to Georgia in the 60's and where we lived when Sam was born. It was flooded to the roof tops while I was on vacation.

I had a ripe and oh, so, juicy, Georgia peach every morning.

I had Grandmother Cobb's Vegetable Soup with skillet baked cornbread.

I had birthday cake. Several times.

I watched the soaps, with dinner on a tv tray, most evenings. They are switching babies and donating hearts on the one soap and adopting children without a DNA test on the other. It helped to have a delicious, icy Tom Collins before dinner. (:-))

Both my departures and arrivals were smooth and on time. My checked baggage was fresh roasted coffee beans on the way out and Publix creamer and candy (for G) on the way home.

I wish I could have slept late this morning, but I had to go to work. So tired. And it was so cold this morning. I have to work tomorrow also and my boss offhanded mentioned I was teaching the bulb class tomorrow. Can you imagine how exciting that was? NOT.

Riley and I picked raspberries out in the garden after work today. I picked high and he nibbled low.

The fence posts around the garden have rotted and are falling down, pulling the fencing down over the raspberry canes. The garden paths between raised beds are full of weeds. The beds are full of rotting and dry "stuff". I think maybe we are "too busy" to take good care of the garden and perhaps we should take it all down and just let grass grow back. It is just a mess.

I've got meatloaf in the oven and potatoes ready to boil and mash. Supper. And then West Wing to watch and some TiVo'd stuff. We'll be sound asleep by 9:30.

It's good to be home and sleeping in my own bed. Very good. I missed all of you!!!!

Need To Do List

This morning I am facing the inevitable list of "things I need to get done" before I can leave on a much needed vacation from my "real" life. Today. On the eve of the day of my birth (day). On my way to work.

I have shrubs to plant. I have clothes to wash and iron. I have a fridge to fill with food for G to reheat and eat while I am gone. And I have NO time to do any of this. Yesterday. I wasted yesterday. I did tons of errands but no shrub planting or cooking.

I have a decision to make. Do I let it all go? Do I just go to work today and ignore everything clattering away on the edges of my brain. Little things calling my name. Do Me. Do Me. What about Me?

Right now I need a shower, a packed lunch and to get in the car and leave for work by 11:20. In one hour. And it's cold outside. So I need to figure out a cold weather outfit. I tend to wear the same clothes (washed daily) everyday. It simplifies things until there is a weather change and then it gets a bit complicated (as I have gained weight since the last season of cold or warm or hot weather) So, we play, what fits. Takes time. Which I don't have. Why am I blogging???

I am going to stop at the market tomorrow and get meat for a huge meatloaf and make a vat of mashed potatoes. Perhaps some stuffed shells in Marinara. And a pot of Garden Chowder tonight with what I have in the crisper. I still have to write my class notes for the Houseplants class on Saturday. And if we're not busy, I'm going home early. To plant shrubs.

Today my bowl is full of nagging issues. I need to let it go. Take my shower. Make my lunch salad. Work today is all about moving shrubs around the Nursery area. Nice dirty work.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Chocolate Cake. I have no idea what we'll be eating for dinner.

Celebrating Our Anniversary

On the day after. We decided to have dinner out today (a mutual day off) instead of yesterday. Forty One years. Holy Crap! as a coworker said. G's anniversary gift got quite a few laughs also. I bought him the large container of Deer Fence spray. Very stinky.

I got to do something sweet yesterday while "cleaning" up the perennials. A and I were working and she asked how G & I met. It was very nice to remember those first moments with a person. We met on Spring Break in Florida and spent a few days out in the Keys sleeping under a "bowl" of stars on the beach. A asked if G felt the same about it. I thought for awhile and then replied that G has always had a picture of the camper on that beach in the Keys on his desk. So I think he does think about how and when we met. Wasn't that lovely? Better than any gift from a store.

Today we were out the door early. I had to go to the title company to have documents notarized for the sale of the Ohio house, drop things off at the resale shop, stop at library, banks, UPS, Town office to register my car (the one in storage), Staples and then the bakery to order a birthday cake for Friday for myself. I'm taking it to work with me Friday to share with my co workers. Chocolate Chocolate. I got a Carrot Cake for G for our anniversary.

We still need to do a bit of grocery shopping and buy coffee beans for K. And go out for dinner. G and Riley are out having a walk in the woods. G walks. Riley runs. Off leash. Riley comes home exhausted, wet and dirty. And very happy.

G is going to go collect all the branches I cut on Monday and pile them in the burn pile area. Then we'll go get the coffee for K. I should be digging holes for more plants but I'm clean and want to stay that way. I have books to read (2) and West Wing to watch and then Top Chef. I made more sugar free Jello for the remainder of the week. Raspberry. I may have a bite or two of the Carrot Cake (if G is willing to share).

I have 22 signed up for the Houseplant class on Saturday. Oy!

My bowl today is filled with sweet memories.

In The Weeds, Literally

I started the day with a plan. I was going to plant a few of the bargain basement shrubs I got from work. In order to do that, I had to cut brush, dig up grass, dig holes, get filthy and eventually, plant A shrub. A. One.

I also got out my pruning saw and went to town on the crab apple that I have wanted to PRUNE for years. I take 30% off, but it's never enough, and I have to WAIT for it to grow so I can prune it again. This time I just went ahead and removed all the lower branches. It looks better. Not what I want, yet. I'll have to wait again.

I have pulled up so much grass. My arms are tired. and I was hoping G was coming home earlier than usual so he could haul all the debris away. Guess not. so now that I've had another cup of lukewarm coffee, I will return to the front yard and collect all my debris.

And the mess by the front steps is staggering. Weeds. Weeds. Weeds. The poor little Hostas! (I just had to go look this plant up in the book, because I couldn't remember it's name, and I have known it's name for over 20 years). I'm beginning to worry about these incidents of not knowing what something is named or how a word is spelled. Do you think it's a memory problem or Alzheimer's? I DID recognize Hosta's name as soon as I saw it. That's a good sign, I think.

Anyway, aside for questioning my mental abilities, I just want to be finished with my work for the day and take a shower and be clean. We're having pizza for dinner tonight. Pepperoni for G and vegetables for me. I was going to make dessert but G bought cake for work today. It's been six months since he was made manager of his tiny McDonald's. He bought a Red Velvet Chocolate Cake for the managers. And something for me. I was going to mention our anniversary tomorrow but I'm sure he has forgotten it, as he always does, and if I said anything he would go nuts trying to buy something in addition to whatever he bought at the bakery.

West Wing was on this morning and I had seen the first but not the one after. It seems like new people are arriving and I worry about who might be leaving. 2003 episodes. Rob Lowe is gone. I wish I had seen the first year. I think I started watching at 2001 and it must have begun in 2000. Oh, well.

Back to the weeds, bugs and dirt.

Prayer for the Dog Who Died Today

A coworker had brought his dog to work today. He thought he had the car windows up far enough but the dog got out of the car. And came inside the building, looking for his person.

Ed is 87 years old. Daisy 10 or 11. She had just been groomed. Ed walked the dog back out front, where I was working, and over to his car. Traffic on the road was heavy. When I looked up, Ed was getting something out of his car trunk or putting something in so I assumed the dog was already in the car.

Then I heard the thunk and saw her body fly across the road and land in the ditch.

I ran into the building, unable to see for the tears running down my face, begging someone to come outside and help. Customers stopped their cars and kept Ed from walking out into the road and getting hit by a car himself. I could have helped Ed, but I knew I couldn't go to the side of the dog. And I think I panicked.

One of my co workers helped Ed cross the road and I watched as he leaned over to touch Daisy. To see if she was still alive. She was. Soon she was lifted onto a tray and driven to the animal hospital about 5 minutes away. Where my sweet Riley was safe at day care.

Daisy died a short time later. Three co workers took Ed and Daisy home and stayed with them for awhile. Because that's the way it should be.

Safe passage, Daisy. We'll watch over Ed, for you.

Watching the grass grow

There are times when we must just watch the grass grow. While I wasn't paying attention this sick little ivy has sprouted so many new leaves. Today I will remember to bring home the systemic to help it recover even more leaves. I don't know what it's previous owner did or didn't do to injure it so, but I am giving it a second chance.

I found that I could do all those daily chores yesterday and still savor the day. On my walk with Riley I noticed all the grasshoppers (so many), the little caterpillar Riley was sniffing, and one lone RED Maple leaf which I placed in my pocket. I also waited while the dog smelled things--taking those moments to watch the blue September sky with the faint shadow of the moon riding high. My empty bowl was soon filled with beauty.

I ate food, yesterday, that had lots of bulk and fiber. Today I was rewarded with regularity. My "bowls" are now empty. LOL. The dog breeder always said the puppies needed to empty their bowls and finally I realized she wasn't talking about bowls. It still makes me laugh.

I am working in the afternoon today, leaving for work soon, and I will be working outside in the tree and shrub side of the business (where I can't find anything). I will TRY to be helpful for the sake of the customers. I did spend time learning to find arborvite on Tuesday. And blueberries and winterberry. I also found the viburnum. Now, I can only hope they weren't moved yesterday to a new place. And we have mums to sort and restock. And water. It'll be a good day. There is a Zen to the watering of shrubs and trees. The standing and waiting for them to get a good drink. And we may have some tomatoes to pick for lunch.

Watch the grass grow. Fill your bowl today with natural beauty.

09- 09- 09

And it's a Wednesday. Potent. Portent. (foreshadowing a coming event) Potential. In every way a very powerful day, today. And a beautiful day. Sunshine and cooler temperatures.

I have a number of mundane tasks to accomplish on this Wednesday. Checks to write, bills to pay, groceries to buy, dog to walk, books to pick up at the library and finally dinner to prepare. Nothing that I actually want to do today.

My friend sent an email this morning and she is going for her daily walk and then sitting outside and reading. She has created an outdoor room and goes there as often as possible with her breakfast (coffee and a banana) and reads. She has read her way through two series of books that I know of. I did this once upon a time. One winter. I read books and ate grilled cheese and pickle sandwiches. I would read a book straight through. Then turn back to the first page and begin again. All day long and into the night. I was seriously depressed. My friend isn't depressed. Isn't it interesting that two people could do the same thing for such different emotional reasons? She is happy. I was not.

Each work day, I drive past a house with a For Sale/Sale Pending sign out front. It seems like it has been that way longer than my house in Ohio has been Sale Pending. I watch for any sign that the house is changing hands. I wonder if my house in Ohio will change hands. My agent in Ohio says things may take longer than September 18. She mentions praying but says I shouldn't postpone my vacation plans. Whatever will be, will be. I remain pessimistically optimistic. All the work on the house waits for final mortgage approval. Then they will begin. So there are a number of people waiting, along with me.

Today I am not as welcoming of what is being placed in my "empty bowl". But, then, I believe even Zen monks have to learn to be accepting of what is placed in their empty bowls. Accept and be nourished by what is placed in the bowl each day. Acceptance.

The Zen of Today

How shall I spend this Monday? Contemplating the simple pleasures of a cool September morning with my dog. Enjoying a bowl of warm oatmeal and a cup of strong coffee while I type this post. Standing, wrapped in my red robe, on the back stoop and "seeing" the lush green freshly mowed lawn, the product of a wet, cool summer. Planting "five dollar" rhododendrons in the side yard with dreams of them someday reaching 20 feet. Enjoying the Purple Queen Cleome and planning to buy more next spring.

Simple pleasures. Taking the time to just be still and look and enjoy this one moment, this one day, fully.

I could be making a long list of "things to do" today, but I want to have a better day than that. I want to feel my way through the day, as it progresses. Right now it is cool and silent. A good time to read or write in my journal. G is at work. Riley is watching the front lawn. I would like to choose the path not taken rather than the familiar one. I would like to be an empty bowl. Open to whatever comes.

Later, as the day warms, I want to open windows and clear the air in the rooms which have been closed all summer, unused, neglected. My studio. There are unfinished fragments of work scattered over the work table, sewing table and even the chair. I feel the need to remove everything pinned to the walls, clear the floor of piled boxes of fabric and supplies, make way for something waiting to be made.

I want to be ready. Open to possibilities. Ready to catch ideas as they appear because once lost, they can't be retrieved.

The sun has arrived. The day is warming. I am open to whatever comes my way. I will say "yes" to life today. That is the zen of today.

Letting Go

Of negative thinking. Today is Friday. Just about every Friday in August I had a message on the answering machine or computer from my real estate agent in Ohio. The first time she said "I have good news and bad news". Usually the good news was that there was NO MORE bad news. After the bad news.

No one called today. Good News. Letting go of the negative.

I got my hair cut yesterday. The oddest haircutting experience of my adult life. No straight lines. Just snipping here and there. My hair follows the curve of my head. Follows the way my hair grows sideways, in circles, forward. I have washed it twice and toweled it dry and it's exactly the same as it was when she finished cutting. The back view is stunning. I need someone to take a picture for you. I'm not as excited about the front view. The cut seems too short for a woman carrying the weight I am carrying. I would feel much better at my lower weight. Letting go of control of my hair. It is what it is.

I notified my employer that I would be gone on vacation for two weeks at the end of this month. NOW he is wondering if I will be teaching classes etc for the upcoming Saturdays. I decided to "just go" on vacation and not over think it. I know I need time with my friend K to just talk and not have to explain myself. That's the way it is with old time friends. Just letting go and saying whatever you need to say.

G and I have had the third Chicken Enchilada meal this evening. First day it was just the enchiladas. Second day I served them with fresh salsa. Tonight with fresh guacamole. The salsa was the best version. I think we'll have pizza tomorrow. It was very nice to not have to cook after a long, hot day at work. I was happy to come home and shower and read the mail and newspaper. G was in charge of nuking the food. I let go of even the reheating of dinner.

I have decided to just "settle" for the 33 inch refrigerator that fits in the kitchen space. Letting go of my desire for a 36 inch large size model. There are only two people living here. Why do I need such a big refrigerator? No reason. My appliance salesperson co worker recommends the LG Trio with the ten year warranty. Bottom freezer with ice maker. French doors. I need to go see it in person. I have even started shopping every two or three days for whatever I need instead of buying heaps of food and then not cooking it. Less need for the larger size. Indeed.

I have Disc One of Season Two of Mad Men to watch. I think I saw some of them when AMC ran Mad Men all day long and I got hooked on the series. I saw four or five episodes. I have to go now and start watching. I have to return the disc before 9 pm Saturday. Now I will be letting go of you!

September 2nd

I tried to download a picture but the computer just kept spooling for the time it took me to take a shower, so I canceled. And it wasn't that great a picture anyway.

Today I had a lunch date with a friend. Instead of our usual eggplant Parmesan restaurant, we tried a new restaurant in town. Sort of a "pub". Bar Food. I ordered the Caesar Salad and the Onion Soup. Now I know ALL I need to know about this new place. My friend got the Vegetable Foccacia and she was happy with her meal. I guess, If I return, I'll stick with the sandwich and fries. They had lots of beer and wine. In fact, that's probably what they sell the most. And the food is just for after you've had a few drinks.

I threw (literally) some semi defrosted chicken and chicken broth into the crock pot overnight. I use the crock pot out on the three season porch so the house doesn't smell like food cooking all night. And after lunch, I picked up the remaining ingredients for Chicken Enchiladas. This is a "gut buster" of a recipe. The flour tortillas are 150 calories each, empty. Add chicken, cheese and sour cream plus a can of cream of mushroom soup and we are talking about serious calories. But it is delicious. And it will take us DAYS to finish. I will most likely have a huge salad alongside my Enchilada. I like to have something huge to eat off of when I have to work three days straight. No cooking until Sunday.

September has begun. The weather here in Maine is delightful. Cool nights. Warm days. And the lending (courier) services at the local libraries has sprung back into action. We have NEW books. And I can read. I got my eyeglasses re-adjusted today at my favorite place. I actually couldn't see anything correctly after the tech at my eye doctor's office "adjusted" them. Makes me wonder about my eye doctor.

I've started in on Season Two of Mad Men. And West Wing is back on Bravo this week. I watched three WW episodes yesterday, I did miss them! Even though they were blurry due to the eye glasses. Top Chef tonight. And what day is Project Runway?

I went to the local appliance store (the place that repairs things). I want to buy a new refrigerator. And why not buy from the people I'm going to call to fix it if it breaks? Loew's and Home Depot won't come to my house. They'll give me an 800 number. Sears will make me wait a couple of weeks for a repair. These guys are here the next day.

So. The opening in this "custom kitchen" of mine is neither here nor there. Not 36 inches wide. And that's how wide the best fridges are. The 33 inch wide fridges aren't that interesting.

Everything in this kitchen is nailed and glued together. It was all built here on site. The side of the desk I'm sitting at is the side wall of the fridge space. And the dish cupboard is up against the other side. 35 by 69. That's the exact opening. And a cupboard with crown molding overhead. Every wall is fully built with cabinets. No open spaces. I could put the new fridge out on the sunporch. Wouldn't that be special.

I asked about a drop in range. Burners and oven to replace the drop in I have now. And I want gas (propane). Viking. Wolf. Serious Cooking Power. And a pop up vent system. Guess what. No one makes a drop in. And I didn't want to remodel the whole kitchen just to get new appliances. Shit. So that wasn't fun and I don't have a new fridge and I won't be getting the drop in of my dreams. What good is money if you can't buy stuff?

Time to eat.