So..here we are in mid November. Cold here in Maine. The water in the birdbath is frozen solid. I go out with the teapot of boiling water and thaw it...for the birds...but it doesn't stay liquid long.....
Social Security letter- they have taken care of it all (no phone call or office visit)... they overpaid in October as the "check was on it's way" when he died. Sorting it all out.....I can live on the amount they have settled on me. And really.. that's good enough.
I do have work to do at the bank. It hasn't even been a full month.....I think about that.
It hasn't been a month. Yet.
So much has happened...so much has changed and will never ..never be the same. Some mornings I wake up and just start crying......Mostly about his pain and suffering those last days....and fear. He was afraid. And nothing we could say or do made him any less afraid. But we tried. We did our best.
So...each day now is just getting thru..until it feels normal....until it feels like my Life again.
I know some of you reading this have traveled down this path already and I remember how it was....so I know it won't be easy or fast but....you all made it, so......I will eventually.. be myself again.
Or some modification of myself....perhaps (I hope) a better version.
When someone close to you dies (my father years ago)..you change. I did. And that change never feels real at first but you grown into it. Some changes are positive and some negative. I am going to be more aware of the negative ones this time around......and try and avoid them or dilute them. I would rather have no regrets at the end of my life.....no fear. Well, I can hope that happens.
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