Made pizza for husband today... I had a bagel with yellow cheese and sweet pickles....pickles I made using yellow and green squash, onion and red bell peppers a few years ago when I made pickles...had the strength to make pickles.....in the canning jars and the boiling water bath in the big heavy kettle.
I can't any more.
It's been a difficult day.. the list of things I can't do anymore gets longer each day. I am 76. Feels like 96.
The list of things I can't take care of anymore gets additions every single day.
So not in the best frame of mind. I don't think I will post tomorrow or even for a few days. I will instead write in my notebooks. Privately.
I'm letting you know so you won't all- the five of you who read my words...think something has happened. Nothing has happened except......I just don't want to write.. here. Just now... and be judged. Life is hard enough and I am having enough trouble dealing with it. Or not dealing with it. Depression is when you don't deal with things....I am trying to stay out of that... been there done that...
It's so easy for people to tell me what to do. To "get help". Do you really think I am not trying to get help? Do you think when I ask for help- they say yes? No. They say why not ask............someone else. Or they just say no, I am too busy. Or can't you wait?
It's been a long time since I was away from the house-by myself.. Was outside the house. Didn't have all these tasks that I can't handle because, I am admitting, I am fragile right now and not feeling competent.. and it will only take one more thing breaking down...... one more problem... one more car needing an inspection sticker or a new battery or what ever.... one more fly in the house flying around.
One more thing I just cannot do. I haven't driven my own car since last Summer. My car needs to be inspected and it needs a new battery and it needs............. gas?. Nothing happens. And I still need to get my license updated.... how do I get there? I actually do not know where the DMV is located. I've been there but never driven there. Myself. And husband's car needs to be inspected...the dealership is on a four lane busy road....husband can't manage stopping and then turning across two lanes of moving traffic.
And even with an appointment he would be there a few hours....who volunteers for that???? Tell me?
One good thing...I wiggled the connection for the cable and now I have a perfect image on the tv screen...and wouldn't you know it..nothing to watch.......
Well, I need to find a dry handkerchief..the one I have here is very wet. And I am tired and am going to bed. Like Scarlett O-Hara said- tomorrow is another day. Too bad it will be exactly like this one..minus the pizza.
8 comments:
Hi, Joanne. When I first found your blog, I went back to the beginning, read it all and have carried on ever since. So, even though readers don’t often comment, you have more than five readers. It is hard to deal with the overwhelming things thrown at us and the load seems to get heavier. We are in similar situations and I wish we could have tea together.
Take the best care you can — sending hugs and love. Taghum Jess
Still read your blog, at least twice/week. I feel your pain - sending you my love. Big hug, Mom
Both of you know everything if you have been reading from the beginning.... It's hard. But I am trying to just put
one foot in front the other.......just that.
Take care of yourself Joanne, we are out here and wish you well. I have bad depression too and it is draining and maddening to know you also have another side that feels joy and happiness, when you are finally able to "come out of the basement" as I call it.
I am moving across the country Thursday to be closer to my 89 yr old mom. The 500 mile drive is terrifying to me, so I can sympathize with your driving woes. I hate merging and traffic, and I'm always afraid I will get lost. Logically I know that's ridiculous, but fear takes over. I hope you feel better soon!
Betsy R.
nothing wrong with taking a break from blogging. Very sorry if you feel you've been 'judged' - that's not acceptable. Maybe I'm 6th or 7th but I'm a reader out here wishing you well and hoping joy will come in the morning for you.
Call if you want to talk, or yell, I am. always here for you, and we can talk about those damn flies!! xoxoxo
I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch in your life. Keeping you in my thoughts Joanne. xxoo Beverly
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