Field Notes- Thursday, October 5th. Quagmire of Social Services and Mistakes (mine)

 The trees in Maine are still green....lots of acorns on the ground. Today is wet so it must have rained overnight.  

We need a referral...Our kingdom for a referral. To move husband to a care facility. Even though the past two days have been good ones....because a few good days always proceed a few really bad days...it's the way this cycle of going downhill goes.  No one is saying it will go any other way.

Our son is still in California....nothing HERE is ready for him....no sleeping spot...no storage spot..... and I can't see how that might change.  I can't be working up in the Attic or second floor bedroom and watching husband at the same time....And I am 77.  Going up and down stairs is no picnic.  My right hip is not having ANY of that.  My right hip is saying..it wants to retire permanently. It was damaged in a car accident  months BEFORE our son was born.  No X-rays-  I knew I was pregnant. Very early days and knew an Xray would be catastrophic.  So.  No X ray  no treatment and until I got to my 60's and was having lots of pain and trouble walking....and had to retire from my job because walking wasn't that great..

Husband had a good day yesterday- after I gave him two Tylenol.  Seemed to be what he needed.

I felt good about yesterday.  I asked a neighbor to get copies of the Maine Will and Health Directive off his internet.  (I CAN'T print off the internet anymore- That is broken.)  I have a working photocopier and if that breaks...everything is going at once here...breaking down, giving up....computer, TiVo (I now have one clicker that ONLY can turn tv on/ off and one that can only change channels....yesterday I could not turn tv off.  I cried...I just sat here and cried.

Well, that was yesterday- the one might no longer turn on the TV and the other might never change the channel... I was (accidentally) watching a program on depression....wow....and wanted to watch something else and discovered I could not change channels. Or turn the tv off.  I cried. Like depressed crying.

Everything has outlived it's Productive Lifespan.  Me, too.  And if I could send you an image that represents my frustration of things breaking down, not working, etc etc etc....I would. I reboot the TiVo everyday....it also needs to be replaced.... I cried yesterday when I couldn't change the channel on the tv. I can't unhook the TiVo and just have  TV...the connections are  turned too tight....won't budge...I have tried.

I really cried...I had hit the WALL so to speak of what I can put up with.  When I asked the neighbor lawyer to make copies...I cried...he offered me a bowl of the soup he was cooking.  Turkey vegetable.  I actually only am eating breakfast.....occasionally I have a Noosa yogurt with Bran Buds....there is food in the fridge....I am not hungry....for the first time in my life....I am not hungry.

I am not really anything... I can barely read three pages in a very good book. I have no Life anymore.  No Joy.  I wipe butts, pull up pants, steady the walker.  I offer food and drink and sometimes he says yes.  He sleeps more and more.  Some days he is really bad and other days really good and nothing seems wrong with him....his eyes sparkle and we have a good conversation. And I have HOPE ( which is not as good as it sounds....because HOPE doesn't last long.....)