Field Notes- Sunshine with a Chance of Clouds, Rain and Snow. Everything Bagel.

 Yesterday........it was like a slow motion movie.  

Everything I thought....isn't.  Everything I thought mattered... doesn't.

It all changed as we were driving thru Town on the way to the Pulmonary doctor's office.  A 45 minute harrowing drive (for me) west......and husband says- I don't know how to get there...

As in.....he had no memory of how to get there.  Even thought he got there just fine six months ago.

And just like that.........my new reality hit me....HARD.   Yes, I could have driven.......but I have never driven the Button Car (has no key)....it's too large....I can hardly see over the dash....etc.  And I haven't driven a car (mine is on a Battery charging 24/7) since that day in the Summer.  And best of all-- my license hasn't been renewed..... my intention was to stop driving. Forever.

So, I did know, in basic terms where we were going.  I got us there. He drove. I gave directions. The appointment was mine.  The doctor is retiring.  We aren't going back.  I got my inhaler situation clarified and simplified. Prescriptions ordered......

But the Us that arrived...is not the Us that got up, dressed and had breakfast yesterday.  That Us is gone.

Forever.  That is all the past....this is now..the NOW.

I will continue to have him drive me to the Library and Grocery Store just 10 minutes from the house.  Until...I get my driver's license renewed.  Until I get my car in working order.  I don't think I am capable of driving the Button Car. I can drive SIMPLE......I cannot drive COMPLEX.   All the bells and whistles. I cannot even turn off the radio.

Do I feel OLD? Yes. All 76 years of it.  Do I feel overwhelmed?  Totally. Do I want to just crawl back into bed and sleep for a few months?  Yes.  Deep Depression sounds like a Holiday right now.....

I made pizza when we got home.  He started a new puzzle..... I sat and stared at the wall. Then Law and Order. I was way past even being able to read a book.

Fate is pretty decent....it gave me a woman at the grocery store on Monday. I knew her and her husband when I worked at the greenhouse.  He also lost his memory and was in a place with diapers etc.  He passed awhile ago. She is doing fine, alone....we normally wouldn't have stopped to talk ....but we did on Monday. Before I knew.. for sure.

Fate wanted me to SEE the other side of this........the After.  Which is going to be okay.