Daily Notes- August 22nd

My days.  Regimented to the pill dispenser and the couch.  Riley is calmest when I am on the couch-he doesn't care what I do here.  Eat, read, sew or watch tv-it doesn't matter.  Just me on the couch and Riley on the dog bed (my foot next to his hip) and the day drifting past.  He isn't even bothered by my tears. He just wants to listen to my heart beat.

Notice that Wednesday in the pill dispenser is still is full.  G forgot to give the dog his bedtime medications.  So now I have a new job- an additional job-the bedtime pills.  The two of them are out on their walk. Didn't have one yesterday as it rained most of the day so they are out early to get a walk in today.  Riley enjoys the daily walk very much even though he walks behind these days and not out front. In fact, if you didn't spend much time with Riley-nothing at all would seem wrong. well, his breathing would worry you. We're used to it.

I have to  central vac the floors today.  They are dirty and dog haired.  And then I must wash the floors- dog drool.  And it would be a good thing to wash all the counter surfaces. I have managed to keep up with the laundry and fold everything out of the dryer and put it away before I go to bed.  Nice having the machines right in the master bath.

I have had a tray of Sungold cherry tomatoes on the kitchen counter for days.  I keep meaning to roast them, cool and package for Winter meals.  I am the only one who likes the pasta sauce I make with the roasted tomatoes.  But, I haven't gotten around to it.  Winter seems years away, right now.

I do spend quite a few moments-long ones--crying these days.  Like now.  It just comes on like a drifting cloud and the tears run down my face.  Then I wipe myself off, blow my nose and eat my breakfast, read the paper and post my Daily Notes.  I'm not depressed.  I know what that feels like. Been there done that.  This is sadness.  This is grieving.  For what was and will never be again. For what is lost already and what is lost each passing day.  Spell check wrote  "for what is toast".  Isn't that delightful. I am grieving the loss of toast. It made me laugh.

The computer is not working as it should.  I keep getting the spinning ball.  G has clogged it up with these games he plays endlessly here.  So everything I do--even getting a picture inserted in the daily post- is a struggle and endlessly frustrating.  And spell check is a crime against people who actually know how to spell.  Would that my one joy in Life  not be contaminated.

I will persevere.  I am a survivor.  I might need to self medicate with ice cream and brownies but I'll come through at the end.  Be stronger for the struggle.  The tears are just a safety valve.  Pressure release.  I will miss that sweet dog.  But not just yet.  We still have the couch and Law and Order.
And the pill dispenser.  Quality of Dog Life is still good enough.

Being the one left behind is the hardest of all things.