Why? My state of mind these days is best described as "fragile". Too much emotional flux. I do best with ordinary days-each much like the one before and the one after. I see these Y branches in the woods each time we walk. I am forever looking down...so I don't trip on roots and take a bad fall. I seem to fall. More than any one else I know. And then I think about "Y".
And, due to weather, Riley or just age.....I often have tears running down my cheeks. My emotions are overflowing. Even now as I have typed these two short paragraphs I have had to stop twice to wipe tears off my face. Grace and Tenzen are on my mind.
I did nothing on my list yesterday. I didn't even read a book. And I have so many really good ones on the shelf. I did nothing. I did go on the daily walk. I did do some laundry. I did fold some things. I did make my bed. I made a grilled cheese sandwich with ham added. Cut into tiny squares.
Last night I dreamed a very different version of myself was back at college. A version more like me right now but so much younger. A version that smiled at people as I walked past them on the Quad. Looked them in the eyes. Who, on Friday nights, without a date, went to the little room with the large table and sewing machine and worked on making clothes. At least that was what I was making last night. A black skirt. To wear with black tights.
A version of me. What I have become. Because I smile at every single person I make eye contact with. And they smile back. And I have a black skirt and black tights. Which I will wear someday.
G has gone out to deliver flowers to Georgetown for Mother's Day. Out by the ocean. Perhaps he'll pass by the place where our daughter is working today.
Actually sounds like you accomplished something yesterday .... and it is definitely good weather for wearing your black tights. Hoping that you start feeling less sad. Sometimes those emotions need to come out ...
ReplyDeleteand they do. And run right down our cheeks.
I won't tell you to feel less sad or to quell your emotions. There are always reasons for these things happening. A sense of impending loss, whether people or places or life as it once was but will never be again
ReplyDeleteI have a book recommendation for you. It's called "The Salt Path" by Raynor Winn. I don't know if you have red it before but it can be a very cathartic read as well as a good read.
I wish you peace.
I do feel better-- I got some cloth out of the Attic and soaked it in alum and cream of tartar as a mordant. Rolled the cloth and leaves and things from the porch around sticks. Now steaming in the big aluminum goodwill pot. Eco Color Cloth. Everything smells of Eucalyptus Which I had so much of. I don't think the cloth will find the fascinating "orange" but I will get what I get.
ReplyDeleteI don't think they were tears of great sadness or despair. I think they were a valve releasing...........emotions.. But I feel better for having rolled up cloth for the kettle. Now to sweep and clean the kitchen. What a mess!!!
I think it's partly planetary. I've been feeling vague, and blue-ish all week. It passes. Happy Mother's day :)
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