I Am Feeling Lonely.

Now that I am 70, I am thinking about who I wanted to be when I was a child, teenager, young mother etc.  I wanted to be friendly and happy and have friends.  I wanted to have people come over to eat at my table, have a drink in the backyard on lawn chairs, or just call me to talk for over an hour.

While we lived in several places--all that happened and it was lovely.

When we moved to Maine, all that stopped.  Maine tolerates people from "AWAY".  They don't open their arms, homes or families to people from somewhere else.  I've lived here nearly 30 years.  I'm still "from away".  The people I am friends with here in Maine are also from away or have moved away and then come back to Maine.  People who know how hard it is to make new friends in a new home.

I'm thinking about that today.  Sitting here alone.  G is working in his workshop trying to clean up a mess he made before his heart attack.  Almost 3 years ago.  I'm lonely.  I finished the last of the Louise Penny books and have to wait until my name comes up on the reserve list for the last book (the current book).  I was starting to feel like one of the residents of Three Pines as I made my way through 10 books.  Hoping Clara would invite me to the next potluck at her house.  Or that I could drive into Town and stop in at the Used and New Bookstore for tea with Myrna.

One thing I wouldn't be doing is writing this post.  No internet in Three Pines.

While I was looking for something in the spare room--I was thinking about going back in time and reliving my entire life--with the things I know now.  About how I should have done the reading and my homework while in school.  I'm good at that now.  Wasn't then.  Also I would be better at choosing clothing and knowing the importance of a GOOD haircut.  Lord, I went through years of bad haircuts--sometimes cutting it myself with dull scissors.  My dad cut my brothers' hair down in the basement or out in the driveway.  If I had the haircut I have now--my dad could have cut mine as well.  Nice and short.

I sometimes think moving here to Maine was a huge mistake.  Too few people.  The population is exactly 1.2 million for the entire large state of Maine.  Same as it was in 1991 when I moved here. There are small towns or cities with that many people.  I guess that's why it feels lonely.

Thank goodness I have the internet.