Self Portrait- November 2011

Heather gray sweater (Eddie Bauer), gray floral flannel pajamas (Cuddledown), white tee (Eddie Bauer). Riley woke me earlier than I had wanted to be up.  I am sleeping fewer hours.  I don't know why.  Six usually and I wake up and can't fall back to sleep.

Dwelling into past relationships in the period between waking and actually getting out of bed.  Not usually a good thing.  Dwelling involved "picking" at scabs I had hoped were healed over and starting to disappear. I can deal with the feelings of loss, but the endless replaying of "should have/could have" wears on me.

G wants to go on a trip to Florida in January.  This involves arrangements for the dog. A house sitter or boarding.  The house sitter doesn't seem interested in actually walking the dog. This bothers me. Boarding will be very boring for Riley and he will miss his toys. I am not all that excited by the "idea" of this trip.  We are going to visit people we haven't seen in a long, long time. Before that long period of not seeing each other, we saw each other frequently for over 40 years.  Like family, it will be awkward and then it will be fine.  G wants to do this. He worked with the husband for many years.

I like going places, when I am there.  The planning, getting there and the thinking about going are not things I enjoy.  I would prefer to stay home.

Night vision is pretty terrible.  My drive home from work (with drizzle) was white knuckle all the way. I am thinking that driving at night is not something I should be doing.  The oncoming headlights create large bright "stars" and blind me.  Astigmatism.  My eye doctor says it will only get worse.

Weight loss for the first week of Strict Induction/ Following All The Rules is four pounds.  Not close to the 10 pounds a week that really fat people have but finally the scale is moving downward.  The closer one is to their "real" weight, the less you lose on the diet.  Week number two begins today and ends on Thanksgiving.  I never actually followed all the rules before.  This is hard.  I have a goal weight in mind which I want to reach by the end of the year.  10 more pounds to lose.  At least I can try not to gain any weight.

I looked at my closet and realized I have nothing to wear.  I mean, nothing goes together to create an outfit. I can't layer a few things and go out.  I have sweaters which go with nothing but white tee shirts.  I have tons of green clothing to wear to work but something to wear to dinner--hell, no.  I have been going to dinner in corduroy pants and a sweatshirt pullover.  They might actually have kangaroo pockets.  No pictures or writing on the fronts.  Plain solid colors.  I looked, but couldn't even find a cute scarf to wear around my neck.  I have plenty of scarves.  It's just that none of them go with anything, or if they do, they are too small or too large or just make me look stupid.

I watched a young woman walk from the street into the bank parking lot.  Black tights, ankle boots with heels, black short skirt, dark patterned scarf wrapped around her neck, black leather fitted coat. she had her hands in the coat pockets.  She looked amazing.  I could wear that outfit (skipping the short skirt and ankle boots) subbing in a nice pair of black pants.  Another young woman had on black pants with a black sweater and a brown down vest with a fur trim collar.  Another dark patterned scarf around her neck.  With those two outfits I could actually make it through the winter in fashion.

I need to get rid of the majority of stuff in my closet.  I am no longer that fat woman.  Why am I keeping her clothes in my closet?????