Introspection & Inspection

I really don't photograph well.  But perhaps this is exactly what I look like?  The day before I got my haircut.  My hands are my most expressive feature.  It used to be my eyes but that was before I needed to wear eyeglasses.

I read something a few weeks or months ago which has stuck in the back of my mind.  Giving me time to digest and consider what it means in my life.  The "something" related to what happens to a person's life when they decide to make big changes (or when life makes the big changes for them).  Life changing changes.  What I have been struggling with since January, 2007.  I didn't want to be "that person" any longer.  I changed my diet, and that lead to a change in my employment and eventually to a new career.  I must, I have to admit this, have changed the way I dealt my friends along the way.  I think I wanted them to change along with me.

I was being brutally honest with myself.  I was obese and wanted to change my physical situation.  While the 365 Diet worked and I lost 80 pounds, it wasn't as healthy as I had imagined.  I was becoming thinner and meaner.  My bad temper and the comments that came out of my mouth, pushed life long friends away.  Or was I purposefully pushing them away?  Did I need to shed the weight and them at the same time???  Why did I feel the need to be brutally honest with them?

That is what I am now attempting to figure out.

A number of close friends died during that period.  As did my father.  I grieved their loss. And I was angry that they were gone.  I may have felt that the person I "was" had also died.  I know the lost of my job was a devastating blow.  At a time when I was just beginning to rejoice in the lost weight, the new clothes, the renewed energy, the new possibilities; I was struck down, beaten.  It took 6 months before I started to think of another job (self worth).   Another 6 months and my father died (grief).   Another 11 months to settle the estate, manage his Ohio house, sell it and drive my dad's car back to Maine (stress).  During this period I was not the best of company.  An understatement.

If you had asked me if the new pants you had just purchased, made you look fat.  I would have said "stop eating cookies, the pants can't change anything ".

So, did my friends decide they didn't need me in their lives anymore or did I decide I didn't need them in mine, anymore?  I can't honestly say I miss them.  We had grown apart.  Should we have tried harder to find common ground?

I am not the person I was prior to January, 2007.  The self control necessary to change my eating habits has changed me in many different ways.  This time, with Atkins, is different.  I am more in control of the POSITIVE side of things.  I see the golden side of the coin more often than the negative.  I am bravely trying to learn from what went wrong in 2007-10 and make it work in 2011.  I can only "fix" myself.

Once I am well and happy, then I can open myself to new friendships.  Ones that work.  Becoming well and happy won't be easy.  One step forward and two backwards it seems.  I just thought I would discuss this with you.  As an email from someone has disturbed the surface of my life today and I needed to talk about it a bit with all of you --  since you actually, know me best (and worst).

I finished the final Wallander.  Each of the nine previous books was referenced in this final chapter.  Like a reunion, of sorts.  And a farewell.  Which ties into this post.