A Sunday In May

Here in Maine, when the temperature gets as high as 60 degrees, the shorts, sandals and sleeveless tops are pulled out of storage. And if the sun is shining? Well, it's a regular holiday. My coworkers have started tucking the sleeves of their work tees up (no farmer tans wanted) and wearing shorts to work. Later in the afternoon they have to pull on heavy hooded sweatshirts, but never mind that. I still have to get down on the ground to reach under tables for trays of perennials that have been pushed way under, weeks ago. So no shorts yet. And anyway, none of the shorts I wore to work last summer, fit anymore. All the weight gain is in my rear end.

My garden is getting a good soak today. Rain. It was sunny and nice on Friday and Saturday, but not today, our day off. We had wanted to finally plant the plum tree and unless G has a complete personality change and decides he likes being out in the rain, it won't be happening today.

I should take a photo of the sweep of blue Forget Me Not which has taken hold of the Peony bed. I love blue in my gardens. I also love pinks and pale yellows. I'm no fan of red.

The days are rushing by and I haven't taken time to "stop and smell the flowers" lately. Perhaps G and I are doing too much? Working too long and hard when we should be slowing down and enjoying life. Perhaps that's just a fable, no longer true these days. Not that each day doesn't bring it's share of happy moments. My customers are delightful. I genuinely enjoy helping them find just what they want for their gardens.

I enjoy the hour I have after work, with the dog, doing something in the garden. I'm already dirty from a day at work, in work clothes, so why not garden a bit longer? Planting a few herbs, a flat of lettuce, pulling some weeds, planting a few seeds. My indoor window sill is full of seedlings of tomato, peppers, eggplant, squashes and cucumbers. Waiting. For that magical day when the weather is "warm enough". Memorial Day?

I have made plans (and airplane reservations) to return to Ohio the first week of June. To complete tasks I have left hanging with the estate. I need to go to the banks, empty the basement of junk, list the house with an agent, and, with the help of my son who is flying in from California, drive Dad's car back to Maine. I have been having difficulty sleeping ever since I finalized these plans. The executor position has not been a good fit for me. It seemed so simple but at every turn, there is some "difficulty", some reason why things can't get done. Some point where I feel like a failure or a fool. I can't seem to go from point one to point two without making some error in judgement. I question my mental capabilities. My son says he will help me with everything when we get to Ohio. I will begin packing everything I think we might need. Papers, certificates, identification, affidavit (notarized), voided checks, insurance, deeds, registrations. I am filled with DREAD.

Yesterday G and I had Chinese for dinner. I had made pizza on Saturday (we ate dinner after 7 pm). I think I made pasta one day last week, but I don't remember which one. I can't seem to get a regular meal on the table anymore. I think we had leftovers (?) and cheese sandwiches twice. Today I have laundry (work clothes and underwear) to do, a rhubarb pie to bake, grocery shopping to do (I need lettuce for my salads for lunch), and I think I should work on my Twelve by Twelve piece. Image.

So, here I am, this Sunday. Ambivalent. Wanting to finish. Afraid to finish. Wanting to begin. Afraid to begin. Balancing. Sort of. Unsure.

I think I will make a list of tasks I can accomplish today and cross them all off as I get them done. I will add some very easy ones and one hard one. And my reward at the end of today is Masterpiece Theater/ Wallander. And a few pages of reading? It's been so long since I had time to read a book. It seems like such a long time since I had time to just sit, look and rest. Perhaps I will add these tasks to my list for today. Sit. Look. Rest.