Expiration Date

Late last night, or early this morning, I realized why I have been feeling so confused, morose, and listless. With the death of my father, I have only my very immediate family left. Me. G. and our children. So the next time someone very important to me dies....... it will be one of the four of us. It's been there, in my head, like a blinking light. The expiration date.

We all know that death is coming. It's just so easy to believe we have so much more time. And with that sort of thinking, we waste what time we still have. I guess that's what's going on in my subconscious mind. I'm questioning the way I use the time I have left. And asking what will happen to the "me" who will, eventually, lose the people dearest to her. Or what will happen if they lose me. Are my belongings in order.

This post isn't meant to be depressing. I think knowing you have a certain amount of time, like 20 years, and some of it will be limited by age and health, you can make plans to use what you have left; wisely, joyfully and lovingly.

And, most importantly, don't waste your precious time on things you don't enjoy. Don't postpone things that bring you great joy. Prioritize your life. There are things you have to do, must do, should do, can do, want to do, wish you could do. Sort it out.

An example. I packed up and mailed a box of hard cover books to my friend K after our visit. She insisted it was too expensive to ship them. I insisted that it was something I wanted to do as I had the books and she wanted to read them. In the end, book rate for the box was only $5 and we both ended up happy. I intend to do more of that. Doing things I want to do and not being put off by "cost" in time or money.

I have planted tulips in the vegetable garden. More peonies outside the dining room windows. Purchased two fruit trees that won't make fruit for 3 to 5 years. Planted small Agapanthus (Lily of the Nile) roots because someday, years from now, I hope to see them bloom and prosper out on my deck.

I am coming to terms with my expiration date. My "use by" date.

"Choice by choice, moment by moment, I build the necklace of my day, stringing together choices that form artful living." Julia Cameron

On the cooking front: Working five days and not having a day off in common with my husband is wearing on me. I haven't been doing anything creative in the kitchen and need to stop at the grocery for supplies after work. We had grilled steaks (not so tender), baked potatoes and a large mixed salad for dinner last night. Monday we had cherry tomato (my garden produce/2008) pasta. I have no idea, at all, what we will be eating tonight. If it was just me, I have roasted butternut squash, roasted beets, beet and kale greens I could saute with a browned onion. I also have the other half of my veggie whole wheat pizza. Nothing that would interest G. I liked when G traveled for a living and I had two or possibly three days to just feed myself.

On the weight front: I woke up feeling incredibly thin and light. And weighed myself and was horrified by the number. Quite the bummer!!!