I made this little collage from a magazine page I had saved for several months and a bookmark that I must have picked up while still working at the library. Each traveled a different path in my clutter collections and came together randomly (is there such a thing in the universe?). The lady on the bookmark lined up perfectly; hands, head, feet, with her more contemporary counterpart. I had to tear the bottom edge of the card to reveal the feet and legs in the magazine advertisement. I believe I saved the ad because of the "construction fence" window pattern.I am "in the air" right now. Ready for change as winter counts down and spring waits in the wings. The longer days, the sunshine, the blue skies of Maine in spring are all a tonic for the blues and sadness that this winter contained. I want that to be finished. I want to push off in fast forward to warmer days in the garden, on long walks with the dog and rides in my car with the top down. I want more laughter, less tears. More life, less death. More beginning, less ending. More ice cream.
I feel like that collaged bookmark. Me pasted over another me. Our appendages matching but the one having nothing in common with the other. Each image so completely foreign to the other.
I think this may be the real reason that people who have lost a great deal of weight begin to eat to "regain" themselves. What exactly was "in" the 80 pounds I lost? Have I also lost 33% of my personality, talent, humor, kindness? Is there now an abundance of other things in a third less space? More crankiness, more sadness, more abruptness? Or does it just seem that way. My husband has had to remind me to say "please and thank you". I'm not as nice as the fat me once was.
Our bodies aren't just huge bags of salty water and fat. Well, yes, they really are that. And I don't think I lost weight in my brain where all this personality stuff exists. So I "know" all this thinking on my part is just theoretical crap. And not very interesting theoretical crap. I can just hear Dr House saying this to a patient.
What's Good Today: Raisins from the health food store to go into my steamed kale with fried onions for dinner tonight. G got the water, to the heating zone that won't shut off, turned off. We are still waiting for a service call. All the furnaces in my town must be giving up in unison. Since I still have a functioning boiler, I need to wait till everyone else has heat. Okay with me. Puppy ate a rawhide chew stick, drank water and didn't vomit.
I think, Mama-san, the perception fat that people are happy and jolly and pleasing to be with is a misperception. That just because you are overweight, you have to be pleasing to people, as a distraction from the weight, "if I'm nice, they won't pay attention to it". Now, I may not be living with you, but I don't get the impression that you are crankier. Just that you seem to be spending more time being you without all the extra bells and whistles of overweightness instead of what you thought people wanted you to be (mostly pleasing)when you were overweight. Am I making any sense? Of course people who've known you the longest are going to miss the "fat" you because fat was the buffer between you. You don't have that buffer anymore. And all the things that K was complaining about you saying/doing/thinking, are all things you've always said/done/thought, you just don't have that jolly fat filter anymore so they think you are being thin and bitter because of their "fat misperceptions".
ReplyDeleteAnd were you really happy with all that weight on you? You need to take time to get acquainted with the person you are now. It's time for you to drop your misperceptions as well.
And maybe K isn't happy in her life and having you be overweight was something she could count on and if one of your closest friends can change drastically, what does that say to her about herself? I know watching you change made me re-evaluate my overweight/unhappiness.
Sorry, meant to say "perception that fat people are happy and jolly..."
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